DNR - JTI.

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear female celebrities on the red carpet, 
I understand the whole #askhermore thing. I don't think you should be relegated to answering questions about how you juggle raising your children while having a career, when the male celebs who are also parents get to talk about how they got into character or who they think will be President. 

BUT. 

You have been given scores of outfits from which to choose by the most elite designers in the world. You are wearing thousands and thousands of dollars' worth: gown, jewels, shoes, hair and makeup styling. The question, "Who are you wearing?" is not offensive unless it's the only thing you're asked. So answer it, and stop being a brat. You are a walking advertisement for a design house and you're living every girl's dream. DNR - JTI. 

Dear author of Suri's Burn Book, 
Please post more often. It's so amazing when you do. I want like a daily, maybe even hourly, post. Just think about it. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Apple TV remote,
YOU ARE SO SMALL AND EASY TO LOSE. PLEASE GET BIGGER. I CAN'T EVER FIND YOU AND I WANT TO. ("But Mary Catherine, you can download an app on your phone to control it!" NO I CAN'T BECAUSE MY PHONE'S SOFTWARE IS TOO OLD AND I WON'T LET APPLE EAT MY STORAGE WITH A NEW OPERATING SYSTEM IN ORDER MAKE ME BUY A BETTER IPHONE. 

Sorry I yelled. I got carried away. DNR - JTI.

Dear Adam Scott,
I don't know why I don't like you. It's hard for me to watch you on shows like Parks and Rec, because I find your brand of comedy to be "constantly exasperated condescension" and it wears me out. You are kind of a human marsupial and I just don't know what to do with you. I think your character in Step Brothers is probably who you actually are in real life. Sorry. DNR - JTI.

Dear Cast of "House of Cards," 
Not every Southern person has the same accent. I don't understand why every Southern character on your show (and you have a lot) sounds like someone from Savannah in the 1940's. So tell all the colleagues of "Frank and Clayuh Undahwood" to give it a rest or watch a YouTube tutorial. DNR - JTI. Also, War Eagle.

Dear Kate McKinnon,
My husband has an enormous crush on you. Every time you come on the screen, he's mesmerized. Thank you for being a lesbian so I don't have to worry that he's going to leave me for you, because otherwise that would be a concern. You are hysterical and one of the best cast members of all time. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Ben Higgins, 
You know the right girl to pick. You know that BroJo is not going to be a good long-term choice. You know you don't love her. You know it's The Bee. If you don't pick The Bee, we're all gonna be disappointed in you. My bracket is already ruined, so at least do us this one solid. Don't forget to shave your face before the big proposal scene, ya big ol' nerd. DNR - JTI.

Dear daylight savings time,
You suck. DNR - JTI. 

DNR - JTI: Other People's Submissions

As usual, credit for this idea goes to the fab Mollie Erickson. 

Last night, one of my best friends sent me a message with a Do Not Respond - Just Take It from her day, which inspired me to solicit them from my family and whoever was at the top of my text message pile. 

The results were pretty entertaining. We'll start with the one that inspired them all. 

From Ginny Tyler Meadows: 

Dear Lady at Belk in the pantyhose section, 
Thank you for keeping me from buying the ankle-bunching hose you claimed would embarrass my grandmother at church on Sunday. My budget of as close to $10 as possible seemed tricky, but you understand that my struggle is real. Your teaching me how to test the multitude of hose colors by sticking my hand in the samples kept me from looking like I was having a race identity problem as I interview for pharmacy residencies. I appreciate hearing about your niece who may be in college somewhere in Alabama studying something like pharmacy, but I really do need to be going. Yes, I am pretending not to hear you asking about my potential salary and why I'm not working for CVS. Hopefully, I will not rip these and have to come back. DNR - JTI. 

From April McAnnally:

Dear Joanna Gaines,
I know you love your family ('cause who wouldn't - they are precious) and you think Chip is darling ('cause he is) and you are living your dream on HGTV, but seriously. Now you have a furniture line, custom paint colors, a Magnolia Store, and a book coming out. You also have perfectly shiny hair cascading down your back at all times. Could ya just slow down? You're making the rest of us feel bad. DNR - JTI. 

From Katie Glenn:  

Dear People who Talk About Millennials and How Terrible We Are,
Literally every generation ever has always thought the subsequent generations were shit. Even Socrates talked about the generation following his. You're exhausting us and your points are generally terrible. DNR - JTI. 

From Parker McAnnally: 

Dear Birds Outside My House at 3 AM, 
Please stop yelling. That streetlight is not the sun. I will shake you out of your tree if you continue in your ways. We can peacefully coexist, but not if you sing me your song in the middle of the night. I'll see you in the morning when it's time for you to be loud. DNR - JTI.

From Sid McAnnally: 

Dear Lady Grantham,
I love my wife, and to prove it, I've worn my teeth down through years of your cow-eyed, stage whispered, "Oh, Robert's" and "Poor Edith's." Enough. Please accept my goodbye in advance of your March departure. DNR - JTI. 

From Victoria Harr: 

Dear Backseat Drivers,
No, I do not want to know 42 facts about hydroplaning, the impact high beams have on traffic signs, and the exact speed I should go when there are emergency personnel on the shoulder. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Quietly. DNR - JTI. 

A couple of my own: 

Dear Misting Spray in the Produce Section,
I love everything about you. I love when the thunder sound comes on to warn us that the mist is imminent. Other shoppers may decide to come back later, but I will always stick around. I love watching that water spray float through the air and onto my vegetables, giving them the air of "fresh from the farm." It feels like a ride at Disney World that I didn't even have to pay for. I think you're magical. Don't ever change. DNR - JTI.

Dear Approx. 10-year-old Boy in Said Produce Section Loudly Singing the Praises of Spinach,
I find you to be totally charming. The way your regular t-shirt completely overwhelms your skinny frame is completely endearing. I overheard you say that you "have a hard time with iceberg lettuce," and I get that. Spinach is much easier to eat. Also, thank you for loudly explaining to your mom that grocery stores often try to rip us off by placing the higher-priced items at eye-level. I hope that you always stay this delightfully nerdy, and that no one makes you feel like you should be anything else. You're my new favorite part of the grocery, even over the produce misters. DNR - JTI.

...and one more from my sweet dad: 

Dear Mary Catherine's Readers,
Can you believe this? Bachelor in one breath, insightful spiritual observation the next? In one person? I've been watching it for 27 years and I still don't have it figured out. And you should meet her mother. And brother. It took me too long to realize, the best play is: DNR - JTI.  

DNR - JTI: Pop Culture Edition.

If you've been following the blog for a few weeks now, you read this post where I explain the concept of "Do Not Respond - Just Take It." If you haven't been following the blog, I'm pretty sure you'll figure it out anyway. 

There's been so much in the pop culture world this past week that I need to rant about.

As always, all credit is due the brilliant Mollie Erickson whose idea I am shamelessly hijacking. 

Dear Kanye West, 
You must be how God feels about all of us. Just when God thinks it's finally safe to have faith in humanity again, we do something ridiculous and screw it up. You are not Picasso. You are not The Apostle Paul. You are not a genius. I have such unkind things to say about you, but I'll sum it up with PLEASE STOP TALKING. Every time you open your mouth, things get worse. I could cite a million examples, but it would take too long. Also, please, PLEASE stop designing clothes. We all know you're just ripping off the Derelicte campaign from Zoolander. DNR - JTI.  

Dear Taylor Swift, 
Honey, stop acknowledging Kanye West. Have you heard the parable of the frog and the scorpion? Mmmk, well let me sum it up for you: the frog ends up dead at the bottom of the pond pumped full of scorpion venom. I hope you've stopped giving him chances. The surest way to disappoint him and make him irrelevant is to stop acknowledging him. No one takes him seriously anyway. You're too good for that, girl. Hey, congrats on Album of the Year! DNR - JTI. 

Dear Stepdad Gary From "EW!" With Jimmy Fallon,
You are one of my favorite characters ever. You make me laugh every time. But especially in this week's episode. Thanks for being so lame and so funny. Can you teach me that popcorn song? DNR - JTI. 

Dear Pizza,
You have nothing to do with pop culture and everything to do with pop culture. Why do you have to be so delicious? Why do you have to be so bad for me? These are the things I contemplate while staring at the Domino's app on my phone, playing "Will I or won't I?" with myself. Every night. Can't you help me out and just disappear? If I have a spirit animal, I've always known it was Pizza Rat. DNR - JTI. 

Dear People who Post Photos of Abused Animals Online,
You make me reconsider having a Facebook account. I am too emotionally unstable to deal with seeing that kind of stuff. There should be a separate Facebook called "Disgracebook" where you can post all the inflammatory, upsetting stuff you want. But please - cut me and my very tender heart a break. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Leslie Jones,
My husband and I think you are hysterical. This highly inappropriate and highly hilarious speech had us both R O L L I N G on Valentine's Day when we caught up on SNL. Thanks for being the best. See you next week. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Mary Catherine,
This is officially your last social media post/tweet about Kanye. I'm cutting you off. He doesn't deserve it and you have better things to do with your time than go down the Google rabbit hole of offensive or insipid things Kanye has said/done this week. Spoiler alert: there are a million. DNR - JTI, girl. 

Do Not Respond - Just Take It

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

You've seen Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes, you've seen riffs on Thank You Notes, but today, please enjoy one of my favorite concepts: "Do Not Respond - Just Take It."

This was invented by Mollie Erickson, a smart and fabulous woman I know, and every time I read DNR - JTI's on her own blog, it makes me giggle and makes me think. 

The concept? Here are some thoughts. I don't want a response, but want to be able to say out loud. Wouldn't that be nice? 

Dear Bump on my Chin, 
I have been patient with you. I have not been violent with you. And now, it's time for you to go away. If you don't, I will be forced to take drastic measures and YOU DON'T WANNA GO THERE. DNR - JTI. 

Dear People who Complain about "the January Crowd" at their Gyms,
Remember when you were trying something for the first time that you felt vulnerable about, and no one complained or made fun of you? Right. Let's try to extend that grace to these sweet folks. Sorry you have to share your leg press machine. Maybe offer a word of encouragement instead of sneering and Snapchatting someone who can't use it very well. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Friends who Know More about Politics Than Me,
Thank you for your patience and your wisdom. I love learning from you and hearing the great thoughts in your brains. I regularly plagiarize you and sometimes don't give you credit, but you probably knew that already. You are wonderful and brilliant. DNR - JTI.

Dear Friends who Know Less about Politics Than I Do,
Thanks for making me feel like a genius. I'm just plagiarizing my friends who know more than me. I should just link you guys up. But I won't, because I'm selfish. DNR - JTI.

Dear Bears who Live in My Backyard,
I'm so fascinated by you and I'm kind of scared of you. Please stop slashing my garbage can to get to our delicious, rotting leftovers. I know I'm not supposed to, but I'll leave a to-go box after every meal by the back door if you'll just cut it out with the trash can. ...seriously. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Laundry, 
You are the WORST. I would rather clean toilets than do you. You are the multi-step chore from HELL. It's not enough to take clean the clothes to the washing machine. NOOOO. Now I have to move them to another appliance. Then I have to make sure I'm around when they're finished drying so the clothes won't wrinkle. THEN I have to fold them perfectly. THEN I have to put them away?! Are you kidding?? That's like 40 steps for one chore. This is why clean clothes sit in a basket in my room for a week, because you have EXHAUSTED ME, Laundry. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Mary Catherine,
Remember the first house you and Jordan lived in where you didn't have a washer and dryer? And how you had to take your laundry to your parents' house? And how you said once you had one of your own that you'd never complain about laundry again? Yeah. So, shut up. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Girl in her Twenties Who's Toying Around with Pursuing Her Dream,
You need to get after it. Life isn't that long and WHAT POSSIBLE THING is stopping you?? Make a goal. Work toward it. Stop piddling around on the Internet or dreaming about it. Just do it. You are the best and I believe in you, and I bet everyone else does, too. DNR - JTI.