5 Ways I Know I'm Not 20 Anymore

Getting old is tough, kiddies. There are definitely some perks to being 27 rather than 22, but there are also some downsides.

Let's explore.

1. I wait excitedly for Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy to come on. 

As I've previously mentioned, Jordan and I don't have cable - we use Apple TV/Hulu/Netflix. But we did buy some rabbit ears to get basic cable, so now we can watch all the old people game shows that come on right after the 5 o'clock news. This has now become part of my evening ritual. 

You guys, Alex Trebek is SO MEAN to these people. Seriously, if you haven't watched Jeopardy in a while, I implore you to do so if only to watch Trebek passive aggressively ROAST these folks. It really is something special. Here's an excerpt from a recent episode when he really wouldn't give this poor soul Irene a break: 

After the Jeopardy! round:

Alex: And Irene trailing both of you…by a hefty margin.

Before Double Jeopardy!:

Alex: Despite those scores, it’s not out of reach for Irene.

Before Final Jeopardy!

Alex: Irene – this wasn’t your day, but we’ll start with you.

Damn, Trebek. 

2. When plans get canceled, I am elated. 

Now, don't get me wrong - sometimes I really want to see people and do things. And nobody likes being flaked on - that's not what I'm talking about. I am referring to those times when plans have been tentatively made for a particular day, and on that day, you wake up unsure of what's going to happen. Then you get THE TEXT: "Hey! ________ came up for me - can we do it another night?" 

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to my sweatpants and the couch. 

Because that's what's happening when plans get broken. And I love every second of it. When I was 20, I would've been super disappointed and/or angry that I was probably going to miss out on some hilarious great time. These days? Pass the Cape Cod Kettle Chips. Thanks.

3. The sun hates me. 

Oh, ancestors. Couldn't you have been ANYTHING but super, super white?? 

I vividly remember the moment when I saw the first lines on my face. I was doing Teach For America at the time. One of the things you have to perfect as a teacher is a non-verbal warning to a misbehaving student while not missing a step in the lesson you're teaching. Something like this: 

TFA pays for Botox, right? 

Anyway, I'd just gotten back into my car at the end of the day, and I pulled down my visor to check my lipstick in the mirror (I was going somewhere right after to meet some folks for a drink). My car was flooded with natural light, which, as you ladies know, leaves NO flaw unturned. 

It was like three tiny rivers had been running across my forehead for years and left the fossils on my face. TERRIBLE.

When I was 20, I fell asleep with my makeup on. Now, I exfoliate, use a retinoid, a moisturizer, a spot corrector (if necessary), Burt's Bees, and do a mask once a week. I will have no more lines than is absolutely necessary.

I used to be able to galavant all over the place and not worry about the sun giving me additional lines/wrinkles. In high school, I went to the TANNING BED. That's right. Tanning bed. Can't even believe that's still legal. 

Now, I am the person who will be tucked away in the shade at the beach, under an umbrella, with SPF 125. Why? Because my ancestors came from ScotIreEngland, Home of the Vampires. We don't do sun. I've accepted it. 

4. Tons of junk food ruins my life.

There were multiple occasions in college - no one really needs to know how many - that I got out of bed at 11 and went to Waffle House with my buddies. My standard order was: a double order of hashbrowns, double covered; egg and cheese sandwich on white; side of grits and a chocolate chip waffle. 

And I ate every bite.

Recently, Jordan and I went to Huntsville for a wedding. We ate McDonald's for breakfast on the way out of town, had Mexican food at Rosie's for lunch, then, after the reception, swung through McDonald's FOR A SECOND TIME to grab some late night. 

I felt like I had eaten bricks. And I felt like that for a week. 

The first night I met Jordan was at Birmingham-Southern's homecoming event. We met, talked for about 5 hours, and then I convinced him to go with me to grab everyone some late night food. We drove through Wendy's, where I ordered a sack of 7 or 8 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. When we got back to the fraternity house, only 6 were eaten. That left two. 

I ate both.

All this to say, I've prided myself for many years on having something of an iron stomach. My brother is blessed with the same condition. But now? Now, I'm old. I'm washed up. I can't anymore. It's hard, but for the most part, I've had to break up with eating constant junk. 

For anyone who is still 20 and can do this without consequence or weight gain:  

5. Relationship games are a thing of the past.

Oh, relationship games. How much I loved you. How fun you were. 

You guys know what I'm talking about. The, "Will he text me back?" "Do you think he'll ask me out?" "I'm not going to respond for another thirty minutes so he doesn't think I'm too available." "Will you ask his friend to ask him if he's seeing anyone?" 

Yeah. 

I like to think Jordan and I are still keeping the mystery alive. There are definitely certain things that are still private - for example, we are not the couple that continues a conversation while one of us is using the bathroom by leaving the door open - BUT. There are lots of comforting things about being married that don't have anything to do with leaving the bathroom door open.

Here is a random sample of the riveting text exchanges that have happened in the last few weeks, which I think are as far away from "games" or even "interesting" as two people can get:

Or this: 

Or, how about this? 

Or how about this charming information? 

Actually can't believe I posted this one, but there ya go. 

Listen - marriage is the best. It is really, really nice to be done with the early 20's portion of my life, when I spent a lot of time wondering who I'd end up with, and instead, actually spend time BEING with that person. Jord is my teammate and I love every second of it (except the occasional day where we want to kill each other). This high-five-from-a-distance gets done a lot in our relationship: 

And it's just what 20-year-old MC dreamed about. 

Have such a happy weekend, friends! 

Puppy Palooza

I'm just gonna tell you now, this post comes with a medical warning: 

If you have a heart condition, proceed with caution. 'CAUSE YOUR HEART MIGHT EXPLODE. 

Yesterday, Tom Hanks and I went to visit Meredith and Ollie, the brand new baby 4 month old King Charles Cavalier. Meredith and Ollie live in Charlotte, so we try to get together as often as we can! 

Tom Hanks took Ollie his favorite toys, Kong's (what we call) "Tiny Balls," and hilarity ensued.

These puppies had a big day. 

First, they met:

Then, they went to lunch:  

They shared a water bowl: 

After lunch, it was play time back at Meredith's. 

Tom Hanks watched me play with Ollie in despair (this is taken over the top of TH's head): 

And after we left, it was naptime. Because they just got worn slap out, you guys! 

All around, a delightful visit in every single way. Tom Hanks has never been around a dog as teeny as Ollie, so that took a second of getting used to, but toward the end of the day, Tom Hanks was laying down and letting Ollie climb on his back. 

Next time, I would like to train Ollie to ride Tom Hanks around like a horse. Because that is seriously what their proportions are like right now - a doggie and a horsie. 

...apparently I talk like a baby when I'm looking at puppy pictures. I CAN'T HELP IT!! 

It is one of the great gifts of life to have incredible friends, and to have one so close in a state where neither of us has any family or friends is so huge. I am so grateful for Meredith, and if I had to speak for him, I think TH is also very grateful for Ollie. ...once he gets over his heartache that I was petting another dog. 

Happy Tuesday! 

My Favorite Song

There's a show on XM called My Favorite Song hosted by John Benjamin Hickey. I've been falling in love with it lately. On the show, the host has different celebrities fill out a questionnaire detailing their favorite song in different categories, like Favorite Sad Song or Favorite Workout Song, and then they come on the show to elaborate. During the interview, as each song is brought up, it's played over the airwaves. 

It's really great. It's so interesting to hear them talk about what songs they love and why - I've heard Sarah Jessica Parker, Tom Hiddleston, and Ellen Burstyn. It kind of reminds me of a very short, music-themed version of Inside the Actor's Studio, but without creepy James Lipton.

So this morning, I thought I'd share my list, according to the categories that John Benjamin Hickey asks his guests. I wish I was sitting down with each of you to hear yours! 

Favorite Workout Song

This is such a cheesy choice, because this song is kind of terrible, but this is the song that I listened to over and over while getting in shape for mine and Jordan's wedding. I always played this song at the very end of my run, when I was really exhausted, to give me that last burst of energy - every time I heard it, I would imagine everyone dancing at our reception and how exciting that would be! 

Favorite Rock and Roll Song

Because it's just fantastic. This song reminds of why the word "epic" is used to describe music. It makes you feel like you can fly a little bit. 

Favorite Love Song

Had to include both versions. Both these women are so iconic, SO incredible - changed music in their own rights. This may seem like a clichéd choice, but it's only because these songs have become so popular since they were released. Go back and listen to these songs as though you've never heard them before and just sink into having your heart melted. This song is transcendent, every single time. 

Favorite Happy Song

This is one of those songs that, for whatever reason, is stuck in my head almost every single morning that I wake up. Half of it is probably because my dad used to sing this around the house growing up, and the other half is because it says, "Gotta get up, gotta get goin'," in the first lyric. Either way, this is an easy choice for me - this upbeat cover by one of my all-time favorite, if not terribly well-known, artists is just about as happy as it gets. It reminds me of growing up with parents who made sure Parker and I were well-versed in all kinds of music, not just (almost never, actually) Top 40's. 

Favorite Song From High School

Oh MAN. The first four bars of this song take. me. BACK. This song technically came out when I was in middle school, but it represents high school for me in so many ways. My friend Jennifer and I called this our "pick me up song," and every time it came on, we'd dance around like lunatics. This also opened up a deep obsession with Jimmy Eat World for me that lasted about 5 years - their subsequent records, Futures and Chase This Light were just so freakin' major within the four walls of my white '94 Ford Explorer. This song is high school wrapped up in a bow. 

Favorite Song to Dance To

May seem like an unusual choice, but this song is the first song I learned to how to do a line dance to at Camp Sumatanga, which was a HUGE part of my adolescence. Every time I hear this song, no matter where I am, even if I'm sitting down, I do all the moves from the line dance that I learned when I was 13. 

Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski ski ski ski TREE! 

Favorite Sad Song

Really, I could go all day on Favorite Sad Songs because I am #emo. No, but really, I could - so many of my favorite songs ARE sad songs. I think it's because when an artist writes a sad song, they mean it so hard - it just grabs you by the guts and won't let you go. 

Live Oak is one of the most haunting songs I've ever heard, and Jason Isbell, being the other-worldly lyricist he is, slays me with the line, "There's a man who walks beside her, he is who I used to be - and I wonder if she sees him and confuses him with me. And I wonder who she's pining for on nights I'm not around - could it be the man who did the things I'm living down?" 

Come. ON. 

Ghost in this House is not only one of my favorite sad songs to listen to, but also to sing. It's technically very challenging, though musically simple, and the lyrics to that song paint such a vivid picture of what it means to be lonely without love. 

Favorite Duet

Frankly, just get out of here if you don't like this song.

Something about David Bowie dying recently makes this even more of a FREAKING MIRACLE to listen to. You guys, if there's no other song you play from this entire post, make it this one. Please, make it this one. If this doesn't just tear you apart, you're already dead. 

And for an added treat, here's the isolated vocal from this song, if you've never heard it. Prepare for your brain to be absolutely motherf*cking melted. (Excuse the language, kind of. It's warranted.) 

These two voices, totally a capella, JUST FREAKIN' KILLING IT.

Favorite Guilty Pleasure Song

May or may not know all the words to this. To be honest, the entire album Big Willie Style is my guilty pleasure. It's so freakin' good. I can't help it. So many family car jam sessions rapping to this song. I think learning all the female backup vocals to Will Smith's songs is when I realized I could kind of sing. 

"Cause we see things that you need not see; we be places that you need not be." 

Favorite Christmas Song

All-time favorite Christmas song. And written by a Birmingham-Southern College graduate, to boot. Beautiful in every single way. 

Favorite Live Song

Yeah, okay so here's the story on this one. Freddie Mercury died in fall of 1991, and this was a tribute concert for AIDS awareness organized in his honor that took place in spring 1992. Nobody thought that George Michael, of WHAM! fame, could take on the extremely difficult vocal of this song, but he took it on. 

And he CRUSHED IT. 

Watch this video and prepare to be covered in goosebumps when literally thousands of people clap along to a tribute for a man whose mark on music was indelible. 

Favorite Show Tune

It's a no-brainer. 

The number of times I have sung this song in my car, in the shower, in my bedroom as an 8-year-old in a newsboy cap using the posts on my four-poster bed as streetlights to lean on - I cannot count them. Seriously, hundreds and hundreds of times. This song is such a gut-punch. Before I even knew what it meant to be heartbroken, I knew how to sing this song backwards and forwards. Lea Salonga = my girl for life. 

My dream role in my next life when I'm a Broadway star. 

Favorite Song From a Movie

Did you want to cry this morning? You're welcome. 

Once I had a birthday party where we watched Stepmom and all sobbed our eyeballs out. Since then, it's been a song that my friends and I love and play when we're with each other. A symbol of the kind of closeness that doesn't mind distance or years - permanent, intimate, joyful, wonderfulness that only exists in friendships. 

"If you ever need a helping hand, I'll be there on the double, just as fast as I can." 

...why am I crying?! 

Wedding Song

Jordan and I had the good fortune of meeting our wedding band weeks before we got married, because they played at someone else's wedding. We asked them what their favorite songs to play for first dances were, and this was the first one they said. We told them we'd never heard it, so they said they'd play it for us during the second half of the reception and point at us so we'd know it was the song they mentioned. 

An hour later, we were back on the dance floor, and the lead singer pointed at us while the band started playing this song. Jordan grabbed my hand and we started dancing, and (of course) I started crying, knowing this was definitely going to be our wedding song. Four months later, we danced our hearts out and loved every second of it. 

...although I guess you could also say this was a wedding song, too. 

Easter Candy: Ranked.

If you celebrate Easter, and you're like me, the most exciting part of Easter (besides our risen Lord, duh) is the candy. More specifically, the chocolate. When I was younger, chocolate and Cokes (or what Yankees call "sodas") used to be what I gave up for Lent every year, so taking that first bite of a chocolate doughnut on Easter morning was SERIOUSLY delicious. 

Jordan and I spent our first Easter away from our families this year, but distance didn't stop my mom from mailing the ultimate care package Easter basket complete with every candy known to man, plus an Easter treat for Tom Hanks. 

Also including Silly String. Which Jordan used to attack me. All night. 
 

Yes, I am drinking clearance champagne for no reason. Yes, I am already eating my Easter candy. Don't judge me. 

Some candy is good, but some candy is iconic. Let's discuss. 

Let me be clear: when I say "Easter candy," I don't mean regular candy that has been marketed for Easter, like Reese's cups in pastel colors of M&M's in a carrot-shaped bag. I'm talking about the classics -- the stuff that only comes out around Easter time. 

6. Reese's Peanut Butter Egg

This product ranks last on my list because it is just too rich for my blood. I don't know what's happened to me as I've gotten older, but biting into one of these things now makes me feel like all the roots of my teeth have dissolved - it's SO sugary. They're delicious and peanut buttery, but only for one bite. I can't finish one of these to save my life. Call it old age, but this ranks last on my list. 

5. Cadbury Eggs

The truth is, these rank a lot higher in terms of quality and taste, but I'm putting them down here because they don't get eaten as frequently as the other candies. Like the Reese's PB Egg, biting into a Cadbury Egg is similar to shooting sugar straight into your eyeball. Cadbury Eggs are maybe the classic Easter candy, but I can only eat a whole one if I am extremely committed. 

...I'm now realizing that this list is based on how much of said candy I can cram into my mouth and not die, rather than the quality of the candy itself. #america

4. Whoppers Robin's Eggs

You have to figure that Cadbury Mini Eggs came out first, and Hershey, not wanting to be outdone, produced a special version of Whoppers with a candy coating. These little eggies are extremely eat-able, but the flavor is not quite as good as others on this list. The candy coating leaves a little something to be desired, though the crunch of the Whopper inside is pretty delightful.

This candy is probably also the easiest way to chip a tooth, because every so often you pop one into your mouth bite down, and nothing happens. They're solid as rocks. So, you know, proceed with caution. But definitely proceed. 

3. Dove Dark Chocolate Bunny

Dark chocolate is my very favorite, and this bunny is a big crowd-pleaser in my house. Though it's simple - no fillings, no hidden surprises - this Easter treat satisfies every single time. Personally, I like to enjoy this bunny bit by bit in the weeks after Easter by keeping it in a Ziploc bag and breaking (okay, biting) off a little mouthful after-dinner as my treat. I mean, it's dark chocolate, right? It's semi-healthy, even if it is bunny-shaped. Sorry, little bunny, that I bit off your head. You served your country proud. 

2. Peeps

Fun fact: when I was growing up, for some reason, I thought Peeps were something that only my family knew about. I have no idea why, but I remember being absolutely shocked when I saw some Peeps in my friend's lunchbox the week after school. Totally outraged. How dare you, Peeps?? I thought we had something special. 

Another fun fact: Jordan Scott, my husband, had NEVER EATEN A PEEP before this Easter. WHAT?!?! WHO EVEN ARE YOU?? I made him eat one that was chocolate dipped, and he could only handle one bite before he surrendered. #lightweight 

Peeps don't rank high on everyone's list, but that's okay. Me and Peeps? We have something special. It's the perfect bite of marshmallowy deliciousness and pure sugar. Because at heart, I am 400 pounds.

1. Cadbury Mini Eggs

Favorite Easter candy OF ALL TIME. Hands down, no question, game over, the best. The chocolate inside theses little guys is so delicious, the shell is so perfectly flavored and is also kind of weirdly chalky, which makes you feel like you aren't just mainlining pure sugar, the crunch is so satisfying - I could eat (and have eaten) dozens of these eggs in a row. It's the thing I always save for last in my Easter basket so I can enjoy them as slowly as possible. They really are just the perfect, quintessential Easter candy in my book. 

What did I leave out? What are your family's Easter traditions? 

DNR- JTI.

Do Not Respond, Just Take It. 

Dear Twitter,
I come to hang out with you to see all my friends and celebrities I wish were my friends be quippy and brilliant in fewer than 140 characters. I do NOT come to you to have that feed interrupted by the trailer for the newest scary movie Lights Out. Do not show me this. I am now scared and alone in my house. This is unfair. Stay in your lane. 

Dear Jordan,
Thank you for your morbid curiosity that led you to also watch this trailer, but one of us has got to be the one who says "no" to these things. Thank you for narrating what's happening in the trailer as it unfolds so that it's less scary for us both: "Oh. So, okay. So they're gonna turn the lights out and then that thing is gonna be there. Aaaaand there it is. Light on, no thing. Lights out, the thing. Okay. I get it. And now it'll probably get closer to the camera. Yep, yep, it's closer. Okay. That's fine. I was expecting that. Okay." I love you so much and you are the best. 

Dear YouTube Suggestions Section,
The fact that in your suggestions was not only the trailer for this movie, after we clicked on it, after we saw it on Twitter, but also the SHORT FILM THIS MOVIE WAS INSPIRED BY, is not cool. Because OBVIOUSLY we're gonna click on that, too. I have not screamed out loud at a movie or trailer in...maybe ever, actually. But the end of that short film? Screamed. Blew Jordan's eardrums out. Scarred for life. Your fault. Pay for my therapy. 

Dear Children/Villains/Ghouls in Lights Out,
How will you ever recover from having been so scary?? Do you have that moment where you think someone is sneaking up behind you and then feel guilty because you personally have caused that moment for millions of viewers? I hope you lose sleep over this. I hope you accidentally catch your reflection in the mirror and it scares you because you remember how scary you were in that movie one time. I hope there's some kind of support group that Linda Blair founded for you people. 

Dear Random Lamp in my Living Room,
I'm sorry I almost attacked you last night because I thought your shadow was some sort of paranormal presence, even though I don't believe in that stuff. ...mostly. Blame all of the aforementioned sources of angst for that. Don't hate me. Love you. 

Dear Alarm System,
Thank you for providing me with the comfort of knowing that anyone who would ever try to break into our house would not only be immediately apprehended, but also immediately deafened by the sound you produce when you are set off. Thank you for making sure we don't die of carbon monoxide poisoning or a fire or flood. Could you also include a feature for ghost detection? I think it would sell big. Think about it. 

Dear The Office,
Have you ever heard of a thundershirt? You know, those compression jackets you put on dogs to calm them down when there's a bad storm? That's what you do for me. Especially after seeing something scary. I can always count on you, The Office. You're the third person in my marriage. Well, fourth. Me, Jordan, Jordan's beard, and you. Gonna need you later tonight when I turn the lights off and get scared again. 

Dear Ghosts, 
I am a nice lady and I'll give you whatever you want in exchange for not scaring me. I'm a good baker. Interested? Let's negotiate. 

TV Shows: Stream, Skip, Stream.

Jordan and I love TV. 

Well...I love TV. Jordan loves me. SO, by the laws of logic, Jordan loves TV. 

...is that not how that works? Maybe that's why I'm not an attorney. 

Anyway, there's a LOT of TV out there, people. It's crazy, actually, how much there is to consume. And in this age of "on-demand" everything, it's so easy to waste hours and hours of our lives on bad TV. And I don't mean bad TV is bad and makes fun of itself, like The Bachelor -- I'm talking about TV that thinks it's good, but is really terrible. 

 So, if you trust my taste, let me take a little of the workload off your shoulders: 

Here's a "stream-skip-stream" - what you should watch, and what you should pass on. 

STREAM: 

American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson. 

I'll admit, I was pretty skeptical about this show. Ryan Murphy tends to start off a series with this incredible momentum, and then it kind of devolves into ridiculousness (see: Nip/Tuck, Glee, and American Horror Story seasons 1 through 1,000,000). 

But THIS. This is good. 

If you're around my age, then you probably don't remember the OJ Simpson trial in enormous detail, even if you do remember it. Watching this show is such an interesting take on something that happened in our lifetimes, and that involves people who are still alive today. Murphy has done an incredible job with the casting; while lots of the actors physically differ from the characters they play (Rob Kardashian, a shorter guy, is played by David Schwimmer who's very tall, while OJ, a giant, is played by the teeny Cuba Gooding, Jr.), the performances they give far outshine the obvious physical differences between them and their characters. 

It examines issues like racism and sexism in a fresh way, honoring those subjects without beating you over the head with preachy monologues. Apart from all that, though, it's just plain entertaining. All the major moments in the case - the Bronco chase, the gloves being tried on, Marcia Clark's massive makeover - all this is covered on the show. 

You can stream this show from FX's website with a cable login. 

SKIP: 

This season of House of Cards. 

Ugh. I give up. 

I'll be the first to tell you that Season 1 of House of Cards is one of the greatest recent seasons of any show I've seen. It's so thrilling and intelligent, well-written, well-acted, and if that's not enough, Robin Wright's constant shoe porn is enough of a reason to watch.

But, like many shows, this one couldn't hold onto its integrity for very long. 

Seasons 1 and 2 of House of Cards were gripping and realistic, but Season 3 definitely jumped the shark for me. 

I think my ultimate gripe about House of Cards is that it started as a quality show with a standard for itself, then turned into a soap opera while we weren't looking. Nothing against soap operas, but you can't claim to be one thing and then turn into something else while we aren't paying attention. And Season 5 is really too damn much. 

Without spoiling anything, I can tell you this: while this is the best performance Robin Wright has given in a few seasons, and the best storyline for, the plot line for Frank is so unbelievably absurd that the show, for me, became unwatchable. 

If you do choose to go for Season 5, go in with your expectations low. You'll be handed shocking scene after plot twist after OMG moment, but in the end, it doesn't really amount to much. 

STREAM: 

Fargo. 

No, not the movie. Although you should watch that, too. 

This show is an adaptation of the original 90's Fargo, and that takes place in the same universe. 

You guys, this show is REALLY GOOD. My dad and brother have been nagging Jordan and me about watching it for months, and we're really late to the party, since Season 2 has already come and gone. 

We just finished Season 1 and are truly hooked. Season 1 follows Lester Nygaard, played by Martin Freeman, and Lorne Malvo, played by the freaking bone-chilling Billy Bob Thornton, through their clandestine meeting and subsequent criminal entanglement. If you thought you were freaked out by Angelina showing up with Billy Bob's blood around her neck, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Subtly funny, sharp as a tack, and not for the faint of heart (there's definitely some intense violence), you will never be sorry that you sat down to watch this show. It the fine, quality TV that proves we're living in the Golden Age of Television. 

Hopefully, this will save you time, and turn you on to a couple of great shows if you haven't seen them already. Really wild about both the ones I recommended, and House of Cards? Well, we all gotta go sometime.