The Bachelorette - Finale

Let me say a couple of things riiiiiiight up front: 

1. ABC, for some reason, doesn't release the finale of these shows online for a full 24 hours. So this will be a relatively screen-grab-free post because there's nothing for me to grab. Except scraps of clips that I could find. Sorry about that. Blame Chris Harrison. 

2. I think this is the worst season of either franchise (The Bachelor or The Bachelorette) that I have ever seen. JoJo's lack of ability to captivate an audience caused the producers to have to make Chad, an otherwise eye-roll inducing contestant who was eliminated rather early on, the star of the show. 

3. If they don't pay Luke Pell literally anything he wants to secure him as The Bachelor, that is lunacy. That's the only possible way this could be salvaged. 

4. If, by some roll of the dice, the following scenario happens, then I will be forced to resign as a member of Planet Earth and need to be immediately rocketed onto an alien planet and be left there. Scenario: 

Robby wins
Jordan loses
Jordan becomes the next Bachelor. 

I mean it. I will pull out my eyeballs out if Chris Harrison puts me through having to listen to Robby pretend he's not a homosexual man during After The Final Rose OR makes me suffer through JORDAN as The Bachelor next season. 

You guys, I might quit if that happens. I'm no quitter, but even I have limits. 

And it doesn't even matter because this is what's gonna happen tonight. Ready? 

JoJo spends time "thinking" on lots of "balconies" and "beach walks" and in front of lots of "mirrors." 
JoJo has doubts. 
The guys meet JoJo's family. 
The GUYS have doubts. (Just kidding. But they should.) 
JoJo cries a lot. 
JoJo spends more time with the guys. 
JoJo cries some more. 
Chris Harrison keeps asking the audience how they feel.
JoJo worries that she "won't be able to make this choice." 
The guys pick rings. 
Robby painstakingly gets down on one knee and is helped back up by JoJo. And then gets dumped.
Jordan guy shows up. 
JoJo cries. Gets engaged. Proceeds to be gross at After The Final Rose. 

Great. Recapped. Can we all go home now? 

...oh, all right. 

PART ONE - JOJO SPENDS TIME THINKING. 

• Lauren Bushnell is TEENY TINY. Wow. Much thinner than she was when she was on the show. 
• Bachelor in Paradise, y'all. SEE?? A Chad reference right out of the freakin' gate. I'm telling you - he turned into the star of this season.
• "Someone get him a meat tray." - Chris Harrison. 
• ...they're "getting to the bottom" of Jordan's very deep and personal family issues?? Damn, ABC. I forgot how soulless you are. I wonder how many times Chris Harrison is going to say "Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers" before the night is over. 
• "I started with 26 guys and weeded it down to two," JoJo explains to her skeptical family members. Every parent's dream. 
• So there is this show called Real Housewives of Miami, and there is a mother/daughter (Marysol and Mama Elsa) on that show who, combined, look just like JoJo's mom. 

• I know. I'm not wrong about this.
• Jordan wore a T-SHIRT to meet the parents?? What the hell is wrong with these people. Seriously, that is completely gross and dumb. I would send anyone who didn't meet my parents in a collared shirt back to the car/dumpster where they BELONG.
• The flowers he brought are pretty, though. 
• Hey, just for the record, "I make fun of him, he makes fun of me," shouldn't really be your selling point about your new relationship.
• ...I'm sorry. What?? He brought them random hats for everyone put on at the table?? What is happening? Did I drop acid and forget?? 
• He's coming off as a slimeball. Very cocky and too comfortable in this sitting. He should be deferential and respectful. 
• Mama Elsa sees it. 
• SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND?! Did you really just say that? You've known her for 9 weeks. 
• "I think you guys are too much alike," Mama Elsa says. Read: "He's a douche and so are you."
• This is the first respectable thing he's done - not asking for permission from her dad to propose because it's ridiculous to ask something like that given that there are two guys she's banging at the same time. 
• The PROBLEM is that this is a normal human reaction, not a "The Bachelor" reaction. You gotta play the game, Jordan. 
• What do we think? Either she gets engaged to Jordan and they break up in 6 months, or they DON'T get engaged, leave the show as "boyfriend and girlfriend" and are together for 3 months. Anyone placing bets?
• The fact that I just saw sweet little Caila on a Bachelor in Paradise preview killssssss me. Jordan Scott (my husband) is very disappointed. She was his favorite. 

PART II - Robby's stupid ass. 

• At least Robby wore a collared shirt. 
• DIdn't he break up with his girlfriend like two seconds ago? How is he ready to be engaged? 
• The parents ask if he loves their daughter. He responds with "That's a loaded question." He meant it to be synonymous with "foregone conclusion.'  ...that's not what "loaded question" means. 
• Those brothers. 

"Hey man, does this guy seem gay to you?" 
"Dude, I wasn't gonna say anything, but totally..."

• Mama Elsa HATES Jordan.
• "My favorite thing about Robby is how he makes me feel when I'm with him." - JoJo. 
  Y'all, do you think she hears herself???? Her favorite thing about Robby is HER.
• I told y'all. Didn't I tell you??? The reason she's with Robby is because she feels secure and safe. 
• "I don't want her broken heart to be an issue of discussion at our table." - Mama Elsa
  Read: "I don't want to have to hear my daughter bitch about this show anymore."

• I love that he's asking both parents. I don't love him, but I love that. 
• Did the parents just all each other "Mom" and "Dad??" 

• The dad is eating out of the palm of his hand. 

• Why does Robby seem sympathetic to me right now?? 
• OH SHIT DAD!
• HE JUST TOLD ROBBY JOJO LOVES HIM. Spoiler alert, dude. 
• Awwwww, the dad's crying. That just got me. 
• Damn you HARRISON YOU BASTARD. I don't like to cry at this show. It's like crying when you're ironically watching Nicholas Sparks. Never have I ever had a lower opinion of myself than crying during The Vow. 
•  My girlfriend just texted me that this is set in Phuket. Come on. Too many jokes. 
• I mean these parents are like, "We don't approve of this show, but, phuket. Let's go with Robby." 
• So JoJo had a VISCERAL reaction to the news that Jordan didn't ask her dad to marry her. Uh, wonder who she's gonna pick? 

• Mama Elsa suggests that maybe she feels sorry for Robby and that's why she is attached to him. HAHAHAHAHAHA
• JoJo loves Jordan but Jordan doesn't love her and she knows it. 
• You know why you are so confused, Joje? Because you don't ACTUALLY love either guy. That's like me saying I'm confused aboutdoing algebra homework or be slowly suffocated to death. I'm not confused, I don't want to do either. 

PART III - EXERCISES IN FUTILITY, AKA Robby's Date

• JoJo goes on a thoughtful beach walk! Man I'm killing the game. 
• "Propose to Jo." Who's Jo, Robert?? Are you talking about your girlfriend Joelle? The names. I can't. 
• "Joe" is probably Robby's boyfriend. 
• That boob shot. So gratuitous. Somebody was filming that. Isn't that crazy to think about? The perv who was like, "Oh yeah - NICE." And editing that. And inevitably making a GIF of them bouncing. 

• Dude you are just coming on WAY too strong. 
• Y'all. THIS STORY HE'S TELLING HER about their life together where she burns the meatloaf. 
• This is actually physically painful to listen to. This is THE CHEESIEST THING EVER and so weird and gross and she's so clearly freaked out by it. 

• IT DOESN'T GO BETTER WITH PIZZA. Full bodied white wine goes with pizza. Sauvignon blanc isn't full bodied, you GOON. Just SHUT UP ROBBY AND GO HOME.
• Since we're on this subject, it doesn't go with meatloaf either. Why did you even buy white wine to begin with?? You're having MEATLOAF. Ugh. I can't. 
• Do you think he re-combed and blow dried his hair for this scene? Because it's completely perfect and they just got out of the water. 
• Stop straddling him while you make out, please. 
• "Before I propose to Jo." WHO IS JO.
• Robby, Please kindly go throw yourself in a fire. 
• Look, I'm just going to speak for all straight women here: Guys who are desperate and needy, or worse, too available, are undesirable. 
• "There's one more surprise to come," said Robby. "I'm gay. Meet Joe."
• Basically what she's saying is, "I feel important and special when I'm with Robby. I know he'll spoil me forever. I'll never have to wonder who loves who more. It doesn't matter that I don't feel the same way because he'll never stop loving me no matter what." 
• Mmmhmm. I went there. Consider yourself READ like the newest Harry Potter book, Joelle. 
• Teasing this "intense conversation" about "Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers" is getting to be a LEETLE much, Chris Harrison. This is worse than last year when you kept showing Ben Higgins' hometown preacher as though he and Lauren would get married on live TV. 

Chris Harrison: "Are you guys ready for this shit to be over??" *Crowd cheers* 

PART IV - JORDAN SUCKS

• It really is worth getting far on this show just for the stamps on your passport. They got to see some cool parts of Thailand this -- 
• WHY ARE THEY GOING IN THERE
• CAVE KAYAKING 
• WHAT
• I am claustrophobic just LOOKING at them. What if the cave collapses and they're pinned and they drown!?!?!? (Is that irrational? Imagine being married to me.) 
• Jordan Scott, my husband, just walked through and said, "Of course the guy doesn't care about her. He is still his number one priority."
  
  This has been Drive By Commentary with Jordan Scott. 
• JoJo then starts peppering Jordan with really subtle questions like, "What did you and my dad talk about?" 
• "You know how important my family meant to me." ...is she wasted? 
• Oh. She's drunk. Seriously. 
• He didn't ask your dad because he doesn't actually love you. That's the answer. 
• I think her family really did freak him out. 
• "I thought it was important to you to ask my dad, and you know it was important to me..."
• Put two and two together, girl. 
• "How does it make you feel to know that that moment is gone forever?"  
• ...why is it gone forever? That's what phones are for.
• And on top of that, this show will literally helicopter anyone anywhere you want. 
• Can't he do it later?! 
• Why are they talking about it as though that was the only chance Jordan and and he blew it? I don't understand the logic of this conversation at all. 
• Know why?
• Because THERE ISN'T ANY LOGIC. Because Jordan is 1,000% not into this relationship in a meaningful way. 
• He is so full of shit. Any guy who bites his lip in the middle of the conversation is a guy who knows that women are looking at him and he's trying to be sexy. Not cute. It's not a good look. 
• "If it takes me having some faith to prove to her that I care," = if that takes me putting aside my giant doubts about this relationship, proposing anyway, then finding a way to blame JoJo.

• Wait. 
• ARE THEY GONNA MAKE CHAD THE BACHELOR
• OH MY GOSH
• IS THAT WHY THEY'VE BEEN PIMPING HIM
• DID I JUST CRACK THE CASE
• Oh wait, nevermind. He's on Bachelor in Paradise. But I haven't ruled it out. NEVER underestimate Chris Harrison. 

PART V - Ring Pickin'

• Could he possibly say "Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers" one more time?! 
• YES WE GOT TO SEE ROBBY STYLING HIS HAIR oh my gosh this has all been worth it. 
• It's like Donald Trump's hair - mysterious. Yes. Love. 
• Every single Neil Lane ring is a square or princess cut diamond in a diamond halo with baguettes. It's just like HEY THIS IS A RING FROM THE BACHELOR
• Let's take a walk down memory lane: 

• IT'S THE SAME RING EVERY TIME, PEOPLE. 
• Of course Jordan is calling the dad.
• Of course. 
• As though that was even a question. 
• I bet they paid him not to ask him during their time together and create a plot by waiting to do it because this show is so boring. 
• WAIT -- JOE IS HER DAD'S NAME??
• Hahahahahahahahaha
• So THAT'S Robby's boyf. 
• Robby and Joe. Forever. 

• So, of course, Jordan got the blessing and so he's gonna go get a ring too.
• Why is everyone calling her Joelle?? 
• He's writing her a letter. He has 4th grader handwriting. 
• Wow - Jordan picked the only non-halo ring that Neil Lane has ever made. 
• Good for you, Jordan. Good for you. This is the second thing I've been proud of you for this episode. 
• So we watched her putting her shoes on, but she's now walking outside and is shoe-free. Huh. 
• Now JoJo is having a meltdown about who to choose in the confessional. 
• She's patting her tears dry with the back of her hand. 
• You keep getting the tears and missing the snot, girl. Get the snot. 
• Why does Robby have a woman's hair tie around his wrist all the times? 
• Y'all, it's Jordan. It's so obvious, I feel like. 
• ...the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders are in the audience?? Help me. I don't get it. 
• Okay, people. Here we go. 

PART VI: SOMEONE GETS DUMPED

• Whoever is out of this limo first is the loser. 
• Gonna be Robby.
• CALLED IT
• NAILED IT
• Oh man
• He has no idea what he's walking into. 
• But girl, you can't marry a guy who wears those shoes with those socks. 
• She should seriously just shoot him in the face right now. That would be less painful. 
• DON'T LET HIM MAKE THE SPEECH. 
• DON'T LET HIM MAKE THE SPEECH. 
• DON'T LET HIM. 
• MAKE. 
• THE SPEECH. 
• WHAT ARE YOU DOING. 
• YOU'RE LETTING HIM MAKE THE SPEECH. 
• She could be stopping him at any point.
• This is dirty and terrible. 
• This is truly awful. 
• The good part about all this is that Robby doesn't actually love her either - he JUST broke up with someone. Come on. He's not in love. He's in love with her boobs. 
• For her to keep saying "You don't get how badly I wanted it to be you," is horrible. Does she not understand how bad that sounds? 
• That's like saying this: "No matter how hard I tried, Robby, and I TRIED, okay?? I REALLY TRIED. But I can't make myself want to marry you. BUT I REALLY WANTED TO." 

• So she put on those shoes in her room just for the shot? Then took them off immediately? 'Cause girl, you barefoot. 
• Also, you sunburned. 
• "I gotta go." - Robby.  
• Dramatic ridiculousness. Get in the car. Muss your hair. Fix your shoes. Come out of the closet. Carry on. 

PART VII: Someone gets picked. 

• ormally it would be a deal-breaker to have JUST broken up with someone on the day you get engaged. Like, "Yeah I'll marry you but just FYI I also may have told someone else I'm in love with them today. Just in the spirit of full disclosure. But YES I'LL MARRY YOU!! " 
• Unbotton your jacket Jordan you dweeb.
• They deserve each other
• Gross 
• GROSS 
• I mean this KIND OF feels genuine and everything but I still hate it on principle because both these people are obsessed with themselves. 
• HER SHOES ARE BACK ON
• SHOES BACK ON
• So she put her shoes back on for the guy whose proposal she accepted.
• Good to know. If the shoes ain't on, it ain't happening. 
• This is the fifth time someone has said GREENBAYPACKERSQUARTERBACKAARONRODGERS END IT SOMEONE END IT 

After The Final Rose

• Somehow Robby's teeth got even whiter. 
• The rosette and the tie, y'all. I actually cannot even say how much I hate this. 

• "In developing the feelings I had for Joe..." - Robby 
• Robby doesn't understand what "Loaded question" means. It doesn't mean "foregone conclusion." It doesn't mean "goes without saying." It means "tricky to answer," or "trap." 

• You've got questions, Robert? No, I'VE got a question - who told you to wear that rosette and tie together? 
• This dress is much better than her dress with Ben which I still maintain looks like the Lorax looking through the shutter. 

• "And I know you were on the same level with me."
• ...she wasn't on the same level. You were going to propose and she was going to say no. 

• "For closure purposes" should be the name of Robby's inevitable post-Bachelor biography. 
• Poor guy. She really is beating a dead horse about how much she loves Jordan and preferred him over Robby.  
• Of course Jordan is primping in the mirror before coming out. Of. Course. 
• Ashley I. and JoJo are wearing the same thing. 
• I love that Harrison is acknowledging that she's a shitty Bachelorette. 
• "You guys seem to have faced a lot of flack - people saying that you aren't genuine, that you are just in it for the publicity. 
• "Last year, when Ben and Lauren got engaged, people rallied around them. And people seem to be attacking you guys." 
• "I mean, just look at Ben! He was awesome! People LOVED he and Lauren. What do you think is wrong with you??"
• I wonder how it felt for Jordan to hear his "future wife's" family wholeheartedly pick Robby. Just thought about that. 
• There are already cracks in the foundation of this relationship. This is gonna go up in smoke in a matter of months. I'll say 9, but part of me thinks it'll be a year because they can't keep the ring unless they make it for a year. 
• This is completely Chris Harrison at his best. "Hey guys, look at all this shit people are saying about you. Look at this tabloid. Does it make you mad? Does it? Does it? Does it???" 
• Side note, this "Ben and Lauren" show is just insane. About as interesting as this: 

• Holy QUESTION EVASION. 
• Harrison asks him about Aaron and he gives a very weird and jumbled response. I'm sure some PR guy gave him a stock answer to use, but good grief, he botched it.

Transcript of Jordan's response to the Aaron question: 

"Anything with my family -- you know, JoJo's been a part of my family and any conversation we have about that. Moving forward, are with us and about us and we're excited about starting that journey with our families. And I'll be in Dallas closer to her family, so we're excited about that." 

• ...what??? 
• Wow he's pissed. 

Yikes. 

• Gah that was a reeeeeeeeal tense moment. Jordan did not love that. 
• In closing, Ben Higgins still can't SHAVE THAT FREAKING BEARD. 

Well people, another season has come and gone. I have to say...this season is not one I'm sad to see go. You can never tell at the beginning what kind of season it will be, but this one was profoundly boring, sloppy, badly produced and more superficial than usual. 

Now let's all watch Bachelor in Paradise together and relax at the fact that absolutely NO ONE, including the contestants, take that smut seriously. 

Until next season, I'm faithfully your Bachelor correspondent, 

Sex Island.

THE MEN TELL ALL. 

WAIT - this is Sex Island AKA Fantasy Suites?? 

HOW did I not know this was coming? Oh man, it's gonna be a good night. 

Okay wow I forgot about how dramatic this last episode was. Let me just say what we've all been thinking: JoJo has a set of priorities (hot, good kisser, hot, tall, good body, hot) and she's not really worried about long-term traits like "smart" or "decent." 

All that to say, I hope she doesn't pick Snake. I want Snake to escape this show. He's too good for it. And honestly, they never use the fourth-runner-up as The Bachelor, which would mean that if she doesn't move him forward tonight, he'd for SURE escape with his life. Unless Chris Harrison decides to pull a fast one and make him Bachelor. But it's still really going to bother me if she cuts him just because it will reflect her consistently bad judgment. RUN SNAKE RUN!! 

Okay. Let's see what happens: 

PART LEFTOVER: Last Week's Rose Ceremony: 

• The fact that he had to go back and make sure he said, "I love you," specifically...I'll just never get over it. As though the gesture at his hometown wasn't enough. 
• Wonder who's going to be in the bottom? I think Chase and Luke, then she'll pick Chase. Because I'm starting to learn that she will do the exact opposite of what I'd do. 
• Is anyone else just 1,000% confused about why Robby is still here?? He has the features of an old woman. 
• She picked Chase. 

• UNBELIEVABLE. 
• Unbelievable. 
• I know I called it, but I still can't believe it.
• Not that I was carrying around loads of respect for her anyway, but this choice was the most unintelligent one I've ever seen made in the history of this show. That's right, THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW. Luke is the clear front-runner and why she let him go is TOTALLY BEYOND ME. 
• This sealed the deal that Jordan is winning. It's so boring now. 
• Newsflash: if you're crying this hard, it might mean something about YOU MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE. 

• Good for you, Luke. Get out of there. Don't let her sit there and try to justify this. 
• STOP HUGGING HIM, YOU JUST DUMPED HIM.
• YOU ARE THE WORST.

• SHE NEVER COMMUNICATED THAT THIS WAS A PROBLEM. 
• She broke up with him because he didn't communicate to her and she NEVER communicated to him that he wasn't communicating. GET IT?? 

• Of course you did, honey. Because that's how normal people work. 
• Damn this is brutal. 
• This is a total bitch move. This is something that I really have a problem with. If you're breaking up with someone, don't sit around and cry and try to get them to make YOU feel better about it. Say what you need to say and leave them their dignity. 

• Cool story, JoJo. 
• Jordan (my husband, not Rodgers): "This whole 'sobbing in the airplane hangar' scene is really gonna make these other guys feel great." 
• Seriously any woman who would pick Robby over Luke (using his real name here)...I can't. 
• Also this is what you're missing, JoJo, you unbelievable moron. That's right. Snake is also a country singer. 

PART I - Robby. Ugh.

• - Literally any guy on this show could have said that exact quote and it would've been applicable. 
• Robby's thirstiness trying to get JoJo to say, "I love you" to him is really desperate. He's coming on WAY too strong. 
• Stop calling her "Joelle" like you're special. 

• Robby, your perception of yourself is:

• And really you're:

• You've noticed that the other two guys have your exact haircut, right? Not like a similar haircut. YOUR EXACT HAIRCUT. 
• You're one in a carousel of dudes she's hardcore making out with, stop feeling good about the relationship.
• "Wow, Mary Catherine, tell us how you really feel!" Yeah I haven't even BEGUN. 
• Can I also just say, at the risk of sounding sexist, that I've never seen any Bachelor or Bachelorette make out with the contestants as hardcore as JoJo has?? SO much tongue. SO much hand-action. 
• She's so freaked out that he's telling her he loves her so many times. She's trying to basically say, "This is so weird," but just with her eyes. 

• Your dad snuck a note into the pocket of your jeans???? 
• That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard. 
• That entails a dad sneakily slipping a sheet of paper into his adult son's BACK POCKET so stealthily that the son has no idea. 
• Oh, Jordan (husband not Rodgers) said maybe Robby wasn't wearing the jeans at the time and his dad just tucked the note into his suitcase.
• ...oh. 
• Well that changes things. 
• Anyway regardless, let's just all agree that that note was not written by Robby's dad.
• Robby wrote that letter himself. Or a producer did.  
• Can we also talk about that if a person is the Bachelor or Bachelorette, and they appear on a season as a contestant, then star on the next season, there are four people that we KNOW they've slept with? 
• #america

• This is everything we need to know about why Robby is still here: because he has been vocal (to the point of being redundant and/or extremely creepy) about his feelings for her. She knows he's a sure thing. 

• "I AM IN LOVE WITH ROBBY?!?!?!" 
• Okay girl. Listen. I'm gonna tell it to you straight: If you picked Robby over Luke to take to Sex Island, you need to get yourself checked out. By someone with a medical degree. 
• Of course it's "easy to imagine waking up to Robby" when you're in a resort hotel with room service. Know what happens when you're married? You start out being a great wife and getting up at 5 to make your husband's breakfast and then turn into a deadbeat who sleeps in. Sorry from me, Jordan Scott. Sorry from JoJo, winner of this show Jordan Rodgers. 
• I feel like a youth minister saying this, but the reason she has strong feelings for all these guys is just because she wants to bang them. Girlfriend is #inlust right now. 
• Also, no shade, Thailand, but this fantasy suite isn't very fantasy-esque. 

PART II - Jordan.

• Yep, that's exactly what I wear on a hike. 

• Could they not have told Jordan to wear a most substantial hiking shoe than knockoff Toms? 
• Fun fact: whenever people say "journey" on this show, that's because the producers have asked them to replace the word "show" with "journey." 
• If she kisses that guy in this temple, or if they make it some kind of montage about how badly they want to kiss each other, but can't, I'm going to stab my couch. 

• "Meeting my family was the last box to check. Because my family is the one that matters. Because I'm Jordan Rodgers. Oh, right, you have a family, too -- sorry." 
• The common thread in all of the guys who are left is that they are very full of themselves. Oh, and that they have exactly the same haircut. 
• Honestly she should sleep with these guys immediately upon seeing them for the date, then spend the rest of the time talking. It's like she can't function properly when there's sexual tension. Get rid of it and move on. 
• "The biggest moment is talking to the dad." - A guy who has clearly never proposed or talked about proposing. 'Cause I think most men would agree that the biggest moment is WHEN YOU PROPOSE.

• Sorry, what does Jordan do for a living? He's not a QB anymore, so why is his travel schedule a problem? What does he do, sell vacuum cleaners on the road? 
• This is how I know she's not really that serious about Robby - when Robby keeps telling her he loves her, she just says thank you and grins. With Jordan, she presses him. Robby is just a safety choice.

• Is anyone else asleep at this point? 
• Serious question: do you think the reason they don't have these guys living together from here forward is because they don't tell the guys what order they're going in? Like, I bet these guys wouldn't agree to being "second" or "third" on the sex list. 
• Is it too far to say that she is the worst Bachelorette in recent history? I'm just SO uninvested in her happiness and think her judgment is about as rock solid as this election cycle. That is to say it is NOT SOLID AT ALL. 
• Wait. 
• I'm sorry.
• ...haven't we heard her say this EXACT line already? 
• And this EXACT scene?!?! 
• Allow me to deliver a side-by-side play-by-play: 

• THIS IS THE SAME FREAKING SETUP FOR BOTH DATES. Did they think we wouldn't notice?? Oh, we noticed. We NOTICED. 
• Is it obvious yet how little ABC cares about this season? Because if it isn't, it should be. 
• I quit. 

PART III - Chase.

• That's because it's not possible. Loving three people at once is not a thing. 
• Also whatcha wearin', Joje? 
• Honest to God can't believe the haircuts. It really is just comedy gold. 
• Yeah I bet those Thai fisherman loved these two white assholes showing up and kissing their fish.

• #disrespectful
• I'm also like not even being shy about my dislike for her at this point. 

• Monkeys and fishermen, saltwater and fish. 
• He's got a cute little charm going on this episode. I have also NEVER heard him talk this much. Was he part mute before hometowns?? 
• She does a lot of hair-grabbing in her makeouts. Maybe that's what I think is so pornographic about her. 
• I can't believe I'm saying this, but Chase, the most boring guy here, is my new favorite. 

• Then this weirdo shit happens. 

• "I came by to visit and just check in with you before you do this other guy." 
• Robby officially just ventured into stalker territory. It just happened. I watched. So did you. It's a subtle change, people, but watch her face: 

• She is just not feelin' it. 
• "Country clubs and coloring books." Oh good GRIEF this guy is so cheesy. *chanting* Throw him back! Throw him back! 
• "I love Jordan and I love Robby and I can see myself falling in love with Chase." 
• ...do you think she knows that "love" and "boinked" mean different things? 
• That's called "oxytocin." That's science, Joelle. Not "chemistry."

• Wait, she's not wearing that black dress to dinner? So she went back to her room and changed from her bikini, then into that black dress with a totally different hairstyle, then into her date outfit with hair down? So was not surprised at all that Robby was coming over. That was all planned. Okay. Got it. 
• I just really like Chase now. Why? That probably means he's going home. 

• Another guy who is too good for this show. Who knew? Who knew Robby was a curveball? 

• KNEW IT KNEW IT
• SHE'S GONNA DUMP HIM
• Because she is brainless
• Because she is awful
• She is going to keep the TWO WORST GUYS HERE
• Unreal. 
• It's amazing, like a machine - she sends home the classy, smart, stand-up guys and keeps the egomaniacal, slimy, simpletons. 
• This is the THIRD time someone has said, "I love you," and she's IMMEDIATELY dumped them. Lil' Tyke Alex, Snake, and now Chase. Each time she's claiming that when they said those words, she didn't feel what she should.
  
  You know what? One time, someone offered me a raw oyster. And I politely declined, because I don't have to eat that slimy, boogery shit to know I'M NOT GONNA LIKE IT. I didn't eat it, chew it up, then vomit it back onto the offerer. Similarly, JoJo, you shouldn't have to hear them tell you they love you to imagine that you probably don't reciprocate those feelings. 
• This poor guy has all these daddy issues and is all blocked up and he finally opens up and you SLAUGHTER him. 

• TELL 'ER, CHASE!! 
• GOOD FOR YOU!
• LAY IT OUT!!  
• I'm so glad she's getting it handed to her right now - she deserves this. This is unreasonable behavior from her. 
• Please stop crying, JoJo. I'm so over you. I'm speaking for America. We, collectively, are over you. 

ARE
YOU
KIDDING
ME

• She literally just told him that if she'd met him without knowing that there was something better out there, she could've been really happy settling for him. 
• She's done this twice THIS episode - delivered the boom, then made the guys comfort her.
• Y'all, is anyone else as riled up as I am? 
• He tried to stand up and say goodbye to her but she kept standing there sobbing so he had to walk away. 
• The more she talks, the worse it gets. It's like trying to explain why it stinks in a room. Stop saying you didn't toot. You tooted. The more you say it smells like a toot, the worse this gets for you. 
• Chase does something I haven't seen any other guy do: opens a beer and starts getting wasted. And I got nothin' but respect for ya, buddy. 

PART IV: Rose ceremony.

• Why are all of Jordan's clothes way too tight? Look at those pants. Too short and too tight. 

• Chase shows up, which I hate, because I really wanted the last shot of him to be him getting drunk in the van on the way home. 
• ALL I WANT in this life is a picture of these three guys, in the same color shirt, roughly the same height, with exactly the same haircut, all standing right next to each other. Please, ABC. Give it to me. 
• Once again, we get proof that she's trashing a lot of really quality guys. What kind of guy comes back to say that he's sorry for the way he acted when he was ruthlessly dumped on national TV? 

• Class. Freakin'. Act. 

• Well according to you, it's because you didn't have sex with him. Because those things are equivalent in your mind. 
• Somebody get this girl a Pedialyte. She's got to be so dehydrated from crying for two straight hours. 
• IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME HAIR, PEOPLE. I don't care if I'm repeating myself. They're repeating THEMselves. 

• Blah blah everyone gets a rose. I couldn't be rolling my eyes harder. 
• Best part about this entire episode was that monkey montage at the end. 
• Here's a GIF of Pizza Rat to cleanse our palettes. Because we deserve it.  

Monkeys and fisherman, saltwater and fish. 

See you next week, if I don't stab out my eyes before then. 

Week 7.

Oh, HOMETOWNS. 

There's not a single week on this show that I love more. Hometowns tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about a person. As someone who loves using my exactly 0 amount of professional training to analyze others, it's like a 2-hour marathon of pop psychology. Nothing beats it. 

Here's what I think we're going to discover in this episode: 

1. Jordan is sucky and so is his family. 
2. Robby is a bumpkin and that's why he's so over-groomed - he never had anyone teach him how. 
3. Chase is a totally boring chump and probably has a perfectly nice family 
4. Luke is going to continue to look super attractive, manly, and grounded, and pribbably has a great family. 

PART I - CHASE (aka "WHO?")

• Good. Let's get this date out of the way. 
• Of course it's in the snow. Everything about this date is WHITE.

• Wait - how did they just go from wearing heavy winter coats to NO coats at all?? ...is this a set?? Why aren't they cold? 

• Chase's Douche Beard. It needs its own Twitter account. 

• Men of Earth: if this blog has served no other purpose, let it serve the purpose now of teaching you that you NEVER shave your beard along your jawline. It's not cute. It's like wearing a sign that says, "I don't know how to take care of myself!" 
• Okay so Chase has a sad divorce story, blah blah blah.
• It's not that I'm unsympathetic, it's that this is just too normal for this show. In order to be successful, you have to have a GREAT family or a CRAZY family. No in-between. Half of America has the exact same backstory as Chase. 
• Sorry, HIS house or his PARENTS' house? Because this house is pimp if it's HIS house. 

• Always very interested in how men decorate their houses left to their own devices. Looks like Chase went with a Native American theme?

• Oh this is sick. They brought his dad back for a reunion with him and is appearing on this show? What? 

• I would NEVER touch a boyfriend in front of his parents the first time I met him. NEVER. That is the epitome of classless, in my opinion, to be physically affectionate the first time you meet a boyfriend's parents. This is so trashy. 

• I'll tell you what, if my future children come home with somebody who's touching all over them the first time they meet me?? HELL no. I will keep a bonesaw in the Junk Drawer and they'll leave my house with stumps if they touch my children. 

• And LOUNGING?? What is the matter with this girl?! Sit up straight, Joelle. Respect your elders. 
• So you're telling me this guy, who hasn't visited with his own daddy in what seems like at least months if not years, is now telling said estranged parent that he's gonna marry this girl? After he and his dad have a conversation about the way his dad ruined his life? And he's only known this chick for like 8 weeks? 
• Right. 

• WHAT
• ARE YOU JOKING
• THE JUST KISSED IN FRONT OF HIS DAD
• WHAT THE ACTUAL
• THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE
• WHERE ARE MY SOUTHERN GIRLS ON THIS I AM OUTRAGED 

...I have to go get some ice cream. 

I'm back. That one really took a lot out of me, you guys. 

• When parents are not openly skeptical of this show, it makes me judge them. If your son or daughter brought home a contestant he met on a TV show and then told you they were probably gonna go ahead and just marry them, you'd freak out/be really judgmental.
• "I can tell you know how to have fun" = "I have seen this GIF of your mom." 

• Oh snap the sister is for sure judging. There you go. Somebody in this family needs to. 
• "Thank you for this experience." = "This show is stupid and so are you."

• Ugh I really like this mom in spite of myself. Damn it. 
• WHAT?! Holy shit. I like Chase. 

• I hate being wrong about people. 
• I better be right about Jordan freakin' Rodgers. 
• So Chase and Snake. Okay. Although I will say, I really disliked Chase for a while because he really was not nice to some of the guys. So I can't be totally off-base. 
• Anyway. 

*commercial break* 

• I just saw a preview for a movie in which Academy Award Winner Kevin Spacey is providing the voice in a movie about dad who turns into a cat. We really need a time-out as a species. 
• This meme says it all: 

ART II : Jordan (ugh).

• How many phone calls do you think it took for Jordan and JoJo to coordinate outfits? 

• It always amazes me how many of these guys still have parents who still live in the house they grew up in. I feel like that's PRETTY unusual?
• This campus looks like the campus of the high school in Easy A. Is it? 

• Okay it's not but it looks like it. 
• Of course this date is All About Jordan. Of course it is. For someone who doesn't want us to think he has an inferiority complex, this guy is doing a great job of acting like he has a lot to prove.
• His Spanish teacher clarified that, "He is one of my favorites" instead of, "He is my favorite." Telling. Telling. 

• Honestly, this guy is obsessed with himself. I knew I wasn't wrong about freakin' Jordan Rodgers. 
• Oh, please. Stop acting like we caught you off guard. You brought the cameras in here specifically for this reason. At least JoJo knows you're being kind of desperate. 

• Okay, so let's just talk about it: What happened with Aaron? This is the internet's theory is that Olivia Munn, girlfriend of Aaron Rodgers and famous actress, set Jordan up with his ex-girlfriend (and her close friend), Brittany. Brittany is the same ex-girlfriend who told JoJo a few episodes back that Jordan cheated on her. So it looks like there's some bad blood between not only Jordan and Brittany, but Jordan and Olivia/Aaron as a result. 
• ...I can't believe I know this information. Someone lobotomize me. 
• So right away, JoJo brings Aaron up: 

• ...virtually a guarantee it's going to come up anyway. 
• Truly can't believe she finds him attractive. I have no respect for this guy. 
• Stop trying to make Jordan Rodgers happen. He's never going to happen. 
• I predict a crazy mom. Anyone wanna take that bet? 
• Y'all. This story about Jordan Rodgers wanting to run away and the fact that his family didn't give a shit and literally TOLD him to run away is everything. you need. to know. about Jordan.

• Slash, the image of Jordan standing at the property line and looking dramatically over his shoulder is VERY: 

• Also, did anyone else hear this? His dad just dropped into conversation that Jordan kicked his teacher...

• So like, JoJo was definitely told by Jordan specifically NOT to address the Aaron situation and straight up did it anyway. 

• The brother and Jordan having the same haircut is so completely insane to me. 
• The decorating in this house and the other house are both extremely interesting. 
• I really think she's going to pick him, and I really think they deserve each other. 
• So...did anyone else get the vibe that the Rodgers are hardcore Christians? Because I did. 
• UPDATE: I've just found out that there's also a rumor floating around that the Rodgers have disowned Aaron because Aaron is gay. So, you know. There's that. 

PART III - Robby. 

• Robby is SO getting dropped this week. I haven't even seen a second of his date and I already know it. 
• This place looks like Clearwater, Florida, which is the home of Scientology, which should make us all very suspicious. 

• You're excited to see him because he's your gay best friend. 

• Okay so before I had a dog, I never cared about horses, but now every time I see a horse-drawn carriage, all I can think about is how those poor horses are probably overworked. We had a hard time in Charleston because on one hand it was our anniversary trip, but on the other hand, I felt the compelling need to stop and talk to each carriage driver about how the horses were treated. I was basically a dream date for Jordan. Thank God he was already married to me because he probably would've been like, "You're crazy, I'm out." 
• SHARKS!!

• ...oh. 
• He keeps talking about loving her in order to get her to say it back. Seriously. 
• The count is up to 4. He's said, "I love you," four times in this segment. Find your chill, Robert. 
• Why does she look like a totally different person in this scene? Invasion of the body snatchers. 

•  ...dude. Seriously. Reel it in. 
• "I don't see how things could go wrong." Famous last words. 
• Um, did they hit the gift shop on the way home?? GEEZ.

• ait a minute - did he just call his own father "Coach Hayes??" 

• ...that's really weird. 
• Y'all JoJo is SO tiny. She doesn't even come up over the top of a chair! She's a miniature person!

• I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. These seem like perfectly nice, perfectly boring folks. I like the mom. The brothers have the cumulative IQ of exactly one stick of butter. 

• Do you think Robby MIGHT be prone to exaggeration? 
• Need to just update you. Didn't even know Jordan Scott was near this room. He just heard Robby say all that about not getting sleep and said while passing through the room, "Closers ALWAYS sleep well before the big game. That guy is shakin' in his boots. He's not gonna make it." 
• ..."Closers always sleep well??" Who ARE you?! Who am I married to? 
• Also we need to talk about these glasses: 

• Is it a wine glass? Is it a tumbler? 
• Okay so anyway Robby's mom is all, "I really like JoJo but by the way your reputation is basically being ruined," and he's all, "UGH MOM I CAN'T HANDLE THIS," and then JoJo's all like, "These were my worst fears!" and then Robby's all, "NO you have to believe me I LOVE YOU AND I'M NOT AT ALL PRONE TO EXAGGERATION!" 
• Some quick observations from these scenes, the plot of which I obviously do not care about: 
   
•  I love that Chad (yes, that Chad) is dating Robby's ex-girlfriend. HAHAHA it's so brilliant. I love Chad. 

Ruthless. 

•  You should win a million dollars on this show if you can work "I'm not here for the right reasons" into conversation naturally. I think it should be like the secret word on Watch What Happens Live! 
• Better yet: it's now a drinking game. Take a shot if it ever happens again. I can't find the screengrab, but he said it twice. 
• Random, but - I can never have serious conversations with ANYone at that level of facial closeness. Seriously, I have to be across the room (or at least the table) from someone to have a real talk. 

• Anyway, blah blah I'm asleep. She's not picking Robby let's move on. 

PART IV - Snake. AKA, the only acceptable choice. 

• So I'm gonna go ahead and put money down that she picks Jordan and that Snake is the next Bachelor. At least, let's hope that's what happens. Snake is QUITE attractive. 
• Mmk they look like they're going to a fraternity mixer themed "Squardance." 

• Jordan Scott just did some more drive-by commentary. He let me know that he, "Finds this guy untrustworthy." Okay, well, you don't know what you're talking about, so just keep walkin'. 
• Seriously, if she doesn't pick Snake (and she won't) then she is such a dumb dumb. 
• STOP KISSING IN FRONT OF THE PARENTS. 

• Seriously though who brought her up to act like this? 

• Oh yeah. Right. 
• Snake's sister is beautiful. 
• I love this dad. Such a sweetheart. Reminds me of a lot of great, sweet men I know. Snake, PLEASE run away. You're gonna get your heart broken. 
• Are you KIDDING ME THE SPEECH ABOUT HIM SERVING HIS COUNTRY AND CRYING?!?!?!?! OH MY GOSH

• This show is bullshit, but that was actually a completely precious and tender moment. Luke's family is fantastic. Y'all. Who do we know that can marry Snake?! He deserves someone who is not on a reality show. 
• Y'all, here is an extremely good looking war veteran who is also in touch with his sensitive side AND lives on a farm with a precious family. 
• ...this is a robot sent here from aliens. This isn't a real human man. 
• You know the producers are just crying tears of joy right now with two beautiful people in golden light on a ranch. This is like visual porn. 

• "I want us?" Are you kidding me?!? Are you KIDDING ME?!
• Okay this show is over. He just delivered the kill shot. He LED HER TO HIS HEART
  AMONG FLOWER PETALS
  AND PLAYED A LOVE SONG (and he actually played it, not the show)
  AND TOLD HER HE LOVED HER

• Their exit seemed rushed. Why isn't she falling all over him? Why isn't she so happy and just overwhelmed? If she dumps him after that I am going to burn down my own house. 

• IF I SEE ONE MORE TRAILER FOR LIGHTS OUT I SWEAR TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY SOMEONE IS GONNA GET SUED 

PART V - ROSE CEREMONY. 

• Jordan's stuit is, once again, too small. 

• That's right, Robert. Take a good hard around. You're going home. 
• I seriously feel like she had some kind of plastic surgery procedure between weeks of this show. Something looks different. 

• SAY GOODBYE TO LUKE
• WHAT 
• ARE YOU SAYING
• WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
• ARE YOU KIDDING ME
• ARE YOU MENTALLY ILL
• GO HOME
• YOU 
• ARE DRUNK
• Okay here comes Luke to talk to her.
• He's clarifying that he's IN love with her. 

• I'm sorry, was that not made perfectly clear by the HEART MADE OUT OF FLOWER PETALS?!?!?! 
• The fact that she wasn going to send him home because he had not verbalized the specific words, "I love you," is the dumbest thing I've ever heard and once again reinforces that she deserves to be with someone who is not Luke (aka someone who sucks). 
• This is gonna be a to be continued isn't it? 
• ISN'T IT?!

• DAMN YOU, CHRIS HARRISON!! 
• I hope JoJo has to sit in that exact position until next week. She deserves it after even CONSIDERING sending Snake home. 

This season, you guys. I can't decide who I dislike more - Jordan, Evan, or JoJo. 

'Til next week.