Sex Island: Part II

So I read this thing the other day about how Vanessa sucks and is mean to everyone, and all I could think was: 

The Case of the Missing Orgasm: Part II

• Nick and Raven wake up in a tiny snowglobe. 

• "This girl's about to be screwed up forever." - My husband. 
• How great would it be if Vanessa and Rachel were just in those other huts waiting on him??

• ...did we just watch an orgasm montage?? 

PART II: Snow Angel

• Where's Waldo, you guys?

• Nailed it.
• So I guess this is the episode where Rachel goes home? 
• Seriously though, I really hope he doesn't sleep with her then send her home. I know that's always what happens on this date, but Rachel is too good to do this. 
• Rachel, adorably, cannot cross country ski. 

• They go to a reindeer petting zoo and I'm super jealous because this looks awesome. 

• After the reindeer experience, they head inside for some hot beverages and dance around telling each other they love each other. 

• A rogue, unmanned reindeer carries Nick and Rachel away in a sleigh. 

• That reindeer is all, "Makin' my way downtown..." 

• CROP TOP IN THE SNOW come on now girl. You know I'm on your side but that is just ri-damn-diculous. 
• Then the cutest moment I've ever seen happens:

• HOW is it possible that he didn't pick her?? That's THE SWEETEST moment ever. 
• Like the only way that this doesn't turn out perfectly is if she Kim Basinger's him in the fantasy suite. 

• Of. COURSE. she has on the most presh onesie I've ever seen in my life and isn't wakin' up in underwear like some 2-bit skank. 
• Damn right you will make her breakfast. She is OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, you peasant. 
• If it's Rachel who goes tonight, this is gonna hurt. But it can't be. It can't be, right? 

PART III - Canadian Bacon. 

• Now that's romantic. 
• Polar plunge, blah blah blah, seen it a million times... 
• Me and this baby sloth are so bored you guys.

• In the hot tub, Nick and Vanessa use the word "traditional" over and over.

• Nick asks Vanessa if there are things she isn't willing to compromise on and she says lunch with her family every Sunday. In Montreal. So THAT'S gonna be an expensive plane ticket. 
• Just saying Rachel and Raven got the short end of the sticks being shoved in those tiny houses while Vanessa got a full-on insulated teepee.

• They talk about how similar they are, about Canada, about America, about stubbornness, and then she says: 

• "I've been looking for someone who makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world that exists except for his two other girlfriends." 
• Also, didn't she already say, "I love you?" Am I crazy? Why is this confession a big deal? Wasn't she like the first one to say it? 
• This date's making my eyes bleed, but I just saw this photo of Dolphinshark and it made everything okay. 

• They eventually make it to the fantasy suite and and are basically a tangled jumble of ribbed sweaters: 

• And the next morning...

• OH MY GOSH SKANK DOGGY DOG. HOLY COWWWWWWWW. 
• I mean keep in mind, people, producers came into this house and said, "Can we put you guys underneath a blanket naked?" And she was like, "Yeah, cool." Gross. Pass.

PART IV: Rose ceremony.

• At least we're finally ending an episode of this show with a rose ceremony like GOD INTENDED.
• Okay y'all, hot take: I think that Hoxie's going home tonight. I know we know who wins, but I think ABC will still manage to make Rachel and Vanessa a dramatic finale. 
• Because WHY would she go home?? 

• I could start a new blog called, "Nick Viall crying." 

• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOW.
• WOW. 
• WOW. 
• WOWWWWWWWWW. 

• Okay so this clearly means that producers manipulated him into making this choice so that Rachel could be the first Black Bachelorette. That may sound callous to you, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that things like this happen on this show on the REG. 
• Good grief she is poised. 
• Never in my wildest did I think I'd see the day where perfect Rachel got sent home for the sake of Hoxie and Canada. 
• ...then again, this is the most completely twisted TV show. 
• Okay so my guess is this is how this went: Harrison and other producers pulled Nick and Rachel into a room and said, 
  "Listen. If you guys know right now with 100% certainty that you are perfect for each other, then fine. But if you have any doubts, Rachel, we'd like to offer you a contract as The Bachelorette on the spot. So it's your call."
• That's the only reason that breakup was so amicable and didn't result in Rachel being completely side-swiped and confused.
• In closing, this show is brain poison and we all deserve to be dumber for watching it. 
• WE LOVE YOU RACHEL. See you on The Bachelorette. 

Exclusive Behind the Scenes Photos of Rachel as The Bachelorette

RED ALERT, RED ALERT, CHECK IT. 

Okay so my really great friend Tammie Beassie Banko (who I will refer to as TBB from now on as it is swaggier and also what I actually call her) is a law student at SMU in Texas. 

I would like to include a transcript of our texts from a few days ago, as that will really be the better way to tell this story. I will also be redacting my horrible trucker mouth because in my real life I am a disgusting sailor. 

TBB realized that Rachel was on campus whilst she was in class. Here is what followed: 

It turns out that Rachel was filming her intro reel on campus. And finally, TBB was able to escape. THEN I got these gems: 

Anyway this was basically the best day ever. HAPPY WEEKEND! 

Week 9: SEX ISLAND.

This episode was deemed "Sex Island" by my husband last year when he asked me what the premise of the particular series of dates is. 

"Oh," I replied. "This is the episode where the Bachelor/Bachelorette gets to sleep with all the remaining cast members." 

"...what??" 

"Yeah." 

"So it's basically just like...an island of sex? Sex Island?" 

"Yep." 

"...this is a terrible TV show." 

Part Last Week.

• Clearly he knew this was happening. This is such a stupid facade. 

• Get it, you guys?? Because this is going to be The Most Dramatic Conversation In Bachelor History. 

• Oh just kidding it's going to be pretty uninteresting and not that deep.
• Can someone explain to me why Andi is acting like she's such hot shit? Like she's doing a lot of "look how adorable I am" nose-wrinkling/eyebrow-raising/growly-voice-talking. 
• Andi, this is mean, but you are not a big deal. You weren't a very popular Bachelorette and you picked a cro magnon with four brain cells to rub together. 

• Meanwhile all the other girls line up and wait in the arctic temps. 

• I'm about to tell you suckers something RIGHT NOW - Rachel better not get dragged to Sex Island and then dumped. 
• He better dump her right now if he's gonna do it. 
• SO I think we have two outcomes here: Hoxie goes home or Rachel goes home.
• Back to this insipid dribble:

• HOW IS THIS AN OKAY CONVERSATION TO HAVE?! 
• I hope that whoever he picked in the end is watching this episode and whacking him over the head with a magazine for discussing their sexual relationship with HIS EX GIRLFRIEND ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. 
• Blah blah blah Andi basically says, "You're entitled to boink whoever you want, don't hold back, do your thing," and concludes with: 

• ...

• Finally Andi leaves and Nick goes to the rose ceremony. 

• RAVEN GETS IN?? 
• CANNOT BELIEVE Hoxie got a rose first. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! 

• RACHEL TOO????  HOLY WOW what is happening
• Who's going home?!?! 
• Wait
• No.
• NO.
• CORN
• NO
• NO CORN
• NO CORN PLEASE STAY

• I'm devastated
• I can't go on 

• Please notice Raven and Rachel hugging and Vanessa...not hugging. Because Vanessa is the WORST. 
• Nick walks Corinne out with a heart-wrenching conversation: 

• Corn gets into the limo and talks about how she's done "kissing up" to men and from now on, she's just gonna let the mens come to her. 
• And then closes with this perfect line: 

• And, just as mysteriously as she arrived, she was gone. 
• You were my girl, Corn. I'll never forget you. 

PART I: The Case of the Missing Orgasm

• "Raven's so great, Raven's right for me, blah blah blah." I am honestly shocked that she's made it this far. NEVER would've pegged it. 

• Can we all just turn this off and go to Finland?? This place looks magical. 

• They chat about hometowns, about reindeer, about snow, or something...I'm not really listening at this point because I'm still mourning Corn. #courning 

• I'm going to just roll right through that one, Nick. 
• What's shocking to me about Hoxie still being here is not just that Nick still likes her, but that I like her. A lot. 

• But for real, she's adorable. 
• I honestly can't believe how candid she's being about all of this stuff. 

• Did you really need to make her spell it out, Nick?? 
• Okay we're all nervous. Good deal. NEXT.

• Let's all go find this guy she dated and beat him to death. 

• DON'T BRING YOUR DAD INTO THIS, DAMMIT! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

• She's so nervous to tell him this - Hoxie, you rascal. You're makin' me love you. 

• Well that was extremely genuine and precious and now Hoxie is my front-runner. Because I loathe Vanessa And obvi Rachel doesn't win. 
• Fantasy suite card comes out and Raven has two reminders: 

• But seriously, how is this actually being discussed on TV, you guys?? How. How. How. HOW. How. Somebody tell me. 
• Remember how I said we should all go find the ex-boyfriend and beat him to death? Well...I think she just took care of it. That guy ain't gettin' NO dates.
• And that's where we leave things. 
• Oh, nope. Wait. I lied. THIS is where we leave things: 

Next week we find out what happens with Raven (I predict the euphemism "fireworks" will be used at least twice) and whether or not Nick is the dirtbag who sleeps with Rachel and then cuts her. 

This was a stupid one-hour episode. I hate you, Chris Harrison.

And also the Women Tell All. Which is basically going to just be a Corinne v. Taylor showdown. And we all know whose team I'm on. 

Week 8: HOMETOWNS.

Okay y'all, a few burning questions before we kick off this episode: 

1. When the hell does Rachel go home??
2. How horrible/amazing is Corinne's family going to be? 
3. Will Nick have to go muddin' with Raven in Hoxie? 
4. ...who's the other one? I don't even remember. Oh yeah. Vanessa. Yawn. 

Let's get to gettin'. 

PART LAST WEEK

• Nick shows up with four roses to take the pressure off. 
• Meaning Rachel still sticks around. What are you doing, ABC??

• STOP CRYING. 

• This whole "casual rose ceremony" thing is cute and everything but more cute in a way that your 12 year old little brother takes a flower for every girl in his homeroom for Valentine's. He just looks so damn pleased with himself. 

• I wouldn't put it past him to just make up a rule that he also gets to take all these women to the Fantasy Suite.
• "And for you four beautiful women, I'd like to just go ahead and extend this rose to Sex Island. You're all getting to come to bed with me!!!"  

• Okay so my dream scenario is that Rachel and Corinne are going to be the final two, and Rachel goes home (obviously), and Corinne wins. PLEASE GOD let #corn win.

PART I:  Home sweet HOXIE. 

• Oh my gosh. Every bit of this is already solid gold. 

• So basically this'll be a really fun date but it's also going to be the date where Nick realizes he does not fit into this girl's life AT ALL. 
• Like, the whole "country girl" thing has been cute up to now and now it's going to be like, 

• He wore plaid to the country, you guys. Adorable. 
• Raven takes him to "climb some grain bins." Whatever that means. 
• Why are they dirty already?? 

• They look like photos of children in the Dust Bowl. 

• "WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOIN'??" - Every Southern cop ever. 
• So it turns out the cop is Raven's older brother. I like it. 
• Seriously though why are they so filthy?? 

• NO. 

• NO. 

• This isn't happening. 
• Wet t-shirt contest in the swamp. 
• Do you KNOW what lives in there?? 
• Are you even aware of the bacteria??? 

• I would be so so so pissed that he just put my hair in that freakin' gangrene water. No way, no how. 

• Then they got to meet Raven's fam.

• Gotta say, I don't see the resemblance. 
• They then proceed to have the sweetest moment I've ever seen on this show. 

• Welp now I'm sobbing. 
• DAMMIT HOXIE STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU. 
• Y'all honestly this is the best hometown ever. These folks sound exactly lke the folks I grew up with. The South is the best. 
• They shouldn't end up together, but I still love it. 
• Raven fails to say I love you (probably because her mama scared her about it earlier) and that's that. I can't really even see the rest of the date through my tears. Bye, Hoxie! We loved visiting! 

PART II: Texas Forever. 

• Well, let's deliver this stillborn. 
• I'm gonna hit the highlights because we obviously already know how this turns out. 

• Nick arrives in Texas wearing his Texas Costume (a collared, starched shirt instead of a plaid one).
• Rachel tells him she has a surprise for him and they go...

• Good question. Let's watch! 

• Hahahahahahahahaha
• Later, they visit the house, where Rachel's family proves to be exactly as perfect as we thought they'd be. 

• Okay so this begs the question...WHY does Rachel go home?? She has to make it to the final two and get sent home. Has to. Because why else would she go?? 

PART III: #CORN

• Women who run up to their boyfriends and do the leg wrap gross me. Sorry. They do. I know I've done it before but even the memory of it grosses me. 
• "So today I'm gonna show Nick exactly how expensive it would be be married to me." 
• Although I guess technically this money is hers? 
• We are then treated to a montage of Corn shopping that I honestly couldn't be more delighted by: 

• Followed by a montage of Nick shopping that made me want to throw up. 

• Except for the part where Corinne is the sugar daddy in this scenario. I do love that. 

• *needle scratch*
• HOW MUCH???

• Mmkay let's just cut to Raquel. 

• This whole "Raquel is our servant" thing is not the cutest. 
• At least she's eating with them? I guess? ...I don't know. It's odd. I feel weird about it. 
• "AND NOW, THE OLIVES!!!"

• Nick exercises horrible table manners by sticking his forefinger in the bowl as he passes it. Nobody wants your finger germs, Nick.
• Dad Corn takes Corn for a talk....

• ...on her bed.
• He then shares a 15-year-old single malt scotch with Nick, but adds a couple of ice cubes. You know, to make the scotch worse!

• Nick gets Raquel's blessing and all is well. 

• #corn win.

PART IV: Canada

• ABC chose to spend a full half of the episode here, but I will not be. I'm treating Vanessa fairly. Because THAT'S WHO WE DO THINGS IN AMERICA, ya maple leaf. 
• Nick's Canada costume: white t-shirt and a sweater. 

• Vanessa takes Nick to meet her students and the interaction starts off as very touching: 

• ...and then gets really strange, as she has her adult special needs students make a scrapbook of she and her boyfriend making out in bathing suits. 

• By the way, the reciprocal of getting a scrapbook is GIVING a scrapbook. Not having them make another scrapbook. 
• Not loving this. I feel like these sweet folks are getting pimped out for the sake of reality TV. 

• I'm telling you. Didn't I tell you? Vanessa is not the one. 
• The only way this date gets interesting to me is if Justin Trudeau shows up 

• Yes, please, Justin. 
• Then we go to the houses where things get even weirder.
• I will illustrate how I think each conversation went with a closing GIF.

• The sister:

• Then, the torture continues with her dad's side of the family which is, if possible, less warm and even weirder. 
• Although we do get treated to this DELICIOUS moment: 

• Oh, sorry. That last GIF is actually MY reaction. Not how the conversation went. 
• The conversation went more like this: 

PART V: The 4-minute "deliberation" before this episode is over.

• ...apparently Andi shows up. 
• She won't be doing anything but giving him advice. Especially since she's boinking Chris Harrison (probably). This smells like a desperate publicity stunt from someone whose book got reviews like this one: 

Ouch. 

'Til next week, Bachelor Nation. You know what's coming. 

SEX ISLAND. 

Week 7.

• Hoxie is might sound unintelligent but she's sharp, and I appreciate the fact that she's representing strong-accented Southern people well. 

• Nick and Harrison have a conversation on a beach...with about 300 other tourists, hahahahahaha ABC you're stupid. Don't try to convince me this is a nice resort.
• Can I just ask right now why any of these girls are sticking around to let Nick decide whether he can scrape himself together to keep dating them?
• Nick and his shorts come in to reassure everyone that he will, in fact, fight through the pain and continue to date seven beautiful women. 
• What a martyr. 

Nick, basically. 

PART I: One-on-one.

• None of these bitches had ever heard of Bimini before this. 

• WOW Danielle is tall. How have I not noticed that?
• In a curveball, Vanessa gets a second one-on-one.

• Vanessa throws some expert-level shade by rubbing her second one-on-one in in front of Corinne. And this is why (hot take alert) I am not Team Vanessa. 
• I am Team Rachel.
• (Well really, I'm Team Rachel Please Run Away This Show Will Destroy Your Soul, although it looks like that's DEFINITELY not happening, but you know what I mean.) 
• Rachel and Corinne are friends, you guys. That says something good about Corinne, right? 
• I don't even care. I love Corinne. 
• On their date, Nick starts with a bunch of REALLY confusing stuff: 

• ...

• I may not like Nessy, but that body is slammin'. DAYUM.

• Few things bother me more than when girls show up in cocktail dresses and guys show up in daggum T-SHIRTS. 
• Vanessa drops the L bomb. 
• And he responds by...making a really long, strange speech.

• Vanessa isn't supercharged about the whole interaction. 
• It's like his goal is to speak in relationship code to her. 
• I would say that did not go well. 

PART II: GROUP DATE. 

• Oh, honey. You bringing Nick to Hoxie is the last time you'll see him. He'll roll in wearing a v-neck and pre-ripped jeans, and the people of Hoxie will be all,

• ABC treats us to some gratuitous sunscreen slathering. 

• Then Hoxie treats us to yet another colorful threat of violence.

• Seriously though, this seems pretty dangerous. They're just swimming in open water with sharks while wearing flippers?? Hope no one nicked themselves in the shower this morning...

I need to take a moment during this date to make some predictions. 

• Jordan and I decided that Kristina might win this show. If not her, then Vanessa.
• And, apparently, Rachel will be The Bachelorette, so she'll go home this week.
• Corinne and Hoxie are going home this week.

Okay. Back to your regularly scheduled bitchery.

• OH MAN that's what his hair looks like wet?!?! Deal breaker.
• Later on the date, he sits down with Kristina. 

• Wait. He's crying AGAIN?? It's getting to be a bit much. 
• To be clear, Nick is crying about having to choose among six hot, smart women to a person who has literally eaten lipstick because her family had no food in the cabinets. 

Meanwhile, back at the tropical cabana...

• Danielle goes Exorcist over the date card.
• Seriously though, what's the appeal? Have we just not been allowed to see her personality?
• Cause I'm asleep, Danielle. I'M ASLEEP. 
  
  Back on the date...
   
• WHAAAAAAT????? WOW. 

• Oh, well, of course. Now that I've stopped to think about it, It all makes sense now. Hoxie is going to be a ridiculous ratings machine because it will be full of hill people. Of course she got the rose. 

PART III: One-on-one. 

• I guess my major complaint about her is that everything out of her mouth is in the voice and language of a cute 8-year old. 

• This season, on the most dramatic and racist date yet, we're supposed to be charmed by white people Nick and Danielle playing basketball with non-white children.  
• Conversation between these two grinds to a halt, unsurprisingly.

• Oh RIGHT I forgot she has a dead fiance. 
• "The last time I was in love with someone, they died." 

• Oh don't worry Danielle. He's not gonna die, he's just gonna humiliate you on national television. 
• Oh please cry again., Nick. Definitely show us how hard this is for YOU. 

• Good for her for having the balls to just say what every girl has always thought.
• Poor thing. 

PART IV: Corinne's Platinum Vagine

• I love ya girl, but that was the best you could do with your hair? 

• This is already my favorite part of the episode.

• Oh. My. Gosh. 
• Corinne, I love you. #teamcorn

• I can't believe I'm saying this, but it looks like Nick has actually learned some lessons on this show. So he pumps the brakes until the episode when, you know, they actually are allowed to have sex for millions of viewers. 
• Corinne leaves, upset, and we discover she absolutely canNOT walk in heels. 

• She also bypasses the sliding glass doors in favor of the push door. 
• She's a fascinating creature. 

PART V: One-one-one. 

• Okay so if Rachel is announcing she's The Bachelorette tonight, she has to leave the show tonight. The variable is HOW she's going to leave. Right? Am I crazy?

• Oh my gosh she is an angel from heaven and literally always looks perfect. 
• I really want to have that skirt please. 

• Oh I'm sure they're just WILD about the television crew. 
• Blah blah blah, they have a perfect date but I can't get invested because it's already come out that Rachel is the Bachelorette.
• Okay so if Hoxie gets a hometown date, that probably means Corinne does too. Because you KNOW Chris Harrison wants us to meet Raquel. 

• Nick surprises everyone with a tearful goodbye, but not to Rachel...

• ...to Kristina. 
• I feel like someone predicted this last episode...

• Which is all I have because obviously I was W R O N G about everything else this episode, shit. 
• Vanessa is conspicuously absent from the "comforting Kristina" party.
• Kristina was so sweet. Her lil' cheese cube self. RIP Kristina. You deserve better. 

This episode was a slog, you guys. But hometowns are next week, and if anything has ever been entertaining, it's hometowns. 

See you in Hoxie, kids. 

Week 6.

Okay so last week's episode began with the battle of Corinne vs. Taylor. This week is also beginning that way. CAN TAYLOR LEAVE ALREADY? 

PART -I (Also known as last week's pre-rose ceremony): 

• Oh RIGHT I forgot that crazy ass Taylor let those swamp people rub oil on her and now we have to find out why. 

• Man she's walkin' with a purpose, huh? Looks like me when someone says, "Pizza!" 

• Taylor interrupts Corinne and Nick's meal and, like the weasel he is, Nick leaves his current date to go hang out with another girl.

• ...I don't think he's really concerned with whether you're taking this anymore, Taylor. Thankfully, the option for you to take or not to take this has  been removed from the table! 

• ...wait, that's it?? We STILL DON'T KNOW WHY SHE GOT RUBBED DOWN? She didn't even put a hex on him or anything?! 
• RIP Taylor. You were really annoying and now you're trying to make yourself a martyr to get rid of Corinne. 

PART I: Rose ceremony. 

• Harrison comes in and drops the bomb: NO COCKTAIL PARTY FOR YOU. 

• Dolphinshark knows she's headed home. 
• So: Josephine, Jasmine, and Jamie are gone, maybe? 

• VANESSA. WHO WEARS A BRA WITH A SPAGHETTI STRAP DRESS. 
• Good grief, someone please call the fashion police. 
• I'm so distracted by that flagrant bra that I'm not even paying attention. Okay who went home? 
• Josephine, Dolphinshark (NOOOOO!), and Jaime? 
• Wow Jasmine is STILL HERE. They have had exactly 0 meaningful conversations that we've gotten to see. WTF.
• At least Josephine can get back to her cats.
• It was beautiful while it lasted, Dolphinshark. We loved you the most. CUE THE SARAH MCLACHLAN. 

Masterfully done by Darren Kusmirek.

PART II - One-on-one. 

• Did these girls not get the memo from that last haunted house date?? DON'T WEAR JEANS AND WHITE TOPS. Everyone does that. 

• You fools look like you're in a girl band. 
• But Rachel, my queen, looks perfect. 
• Okay. Kristina gets the date. Interesting, interesting. 

• I think that Kristina interests Nick not because she's multifaceted, but actually he enjoys congratulating himself that he'd be interested in a multifaceted girl. I mean LOOK at how smug he is. 
• "She has a sister in Russia. Does that make me look cool or WHAT??" 

• WAIT. 
• STOP. 
• Is he wearing a Livestrong bracelet?!?! 

Meanwhile, back at the Marriott: 

• ABC, this is low, even for you. You plant a "nanny" to give Corinne even more storyline?? 

• Oh no she's really doing things for her. Oh no oh no. 
• WHY WOULD ABC THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE AN OLDER BLACK WOMAN SERVE A YOUNG SPOILED WHITE GIRL?! Have you no idea how this looks, you idiots?? 

• My husband literally took one look at this and said, "Oh, GOD. No WAY." 
• Dear ABC,
  This was very bad. You are stupid and, as usual, at least vaguely racist. This time it wasn't even vague.
  Sincerely, Everyone. 

Back on the date...

• Kristina tells Nick, no exaggeration, one of the most gut-wrenching stories I've ever heard. 
• Okay this Kristina stuff is absolutely the heaviest and most inspiring thing I've ever heard on this show. Holy HELL. 

• I was kind of crying through this whole thing. 

• Yes, would be. But you won't be, because you'll cut her loose in 2 weeks because she's too complicated for you. 
• RUN, KRISTINA. 

PART III - Group date. 

• Man they are really covering a lot of ground tonight! I'm here for it. 
• Okay y'all I have a hot take. 

• I don't like Vanessa. 

• I don't know!! I just don't care for her. She's a little too much. I think she'll reveal more of her hand and you'll agree with me eventually.
• This group date is just them all getting hammered. 

• ...while you creepily stand in the bushes and watch?? 

• Sometimes I like to remember what these folks do in the real world: 

• HahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah ya were. And now? You're playin' drunk volleyball for a weasel.
• Also why is everyone's bathing suit so weird and complicated? Danielle's was woven by a spider and Corinne's has 85 extra straps. 

• Then, the most amazing thing happens.
• All the women start to melt down because they're drunk enough to objectively realize how stupid this. 

• I totally totally totally totally totally agree with you, Rachel. Why the hell are these grown women playing volleyball "for" him?? This was so indecent and antifeminist. 
• This was so ridiculous. Everyone's wasted, you forced them to play volleyball while you watched like the creepy next door neighbor, and now they're all realizing how dumb that was. 
• I love this so much. This was stupid and it just blew up in his face. 

Later, at the afterparty...

• First of all, let's just assume everyone had a nice long nap. Because #probably. You can't daydrink like that without consequences, people. 
• Rachel has fabulous clothes. I want to switch wardrobes with her. 
• She tells Nick that it was almost curtains for him today, and he's all, "But please don't go home, that would make me sad."

• "Which is why I'm having...gas pains." Is probably how that sentence ended. 
• Anyway, the real drama is that Jasmine has officially come unhinged and she is DONE WITH THIS. 
• Everybody wave goodbye as she spirals into her doom!

• Nick and Jasmine finally get some alone time together and she is primed. Ready. Jasmine did NOT have a nap earlier. 

• Uh oh. Here come the tears. 

• Oh, no.
• Oh, NO. We went from tears to her miming choking him not once but THRICE.
• Oh that was extremely hard to watch. 
• Gah is this whole episode supposed to make me feel so damn uncomfortable? Where is the frippery?? Where are the fun, stupid dates?! 
• Anyway, as I said earlier, bye Jasmine!

PART IV: Two-on-one. 

• One thing I'll say about Nick is that he is not kidding around. We've already lost four girls in one episode and it looks like we're at least due to lose one more. 
• Okay. Tits vs. Whits. 

• What is gonna happen??? I think Tits is definitely headed to Sex Island (AKA Fantasy Suites). 
• Tits is adorable and we don't know a single damn thing about Whitney. 
• That is some VERY intense contouring for a day at the beach. 

• He keeps rubbing her leg in this upsetting way:

• Here's how this conversation goes: 
  Him: How are you feeling? 
  Her: Fine I guess but this whole thing is super weird but I'm gonna pretend it isn't. 
  Him: *Pretends to listen while groping her leg*
  Her: So...yeah. 
  Him: Totally. 
  AND SCENE! 
• Then he goes to visit Tits' part of the island.

• She's talking, but he's thinking: 

• So after 5 minutes with Tits he's like, "Okay yeah bye Whitney." 

• ...but still Tits doesn't have a rose?? Weird. 
• Then Nick 'n' Tits have some din din. 

• ...what?? So you're love adjacent adjacent? 
• What's the matter with him? Does he feel like he wants to send her home? Because he's acting constipated.

• I mean it might as well have been as simple as that. 
• Him: What flavors of ice cream do you like? 
  Her: Vanilla. Butter pecan. 
  Him: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. 
  Her: What about you?
  Him: Superman with sprinkles BYE.

• He is absolutely a stone cold psycho for letting her get through this whole conversation and still OBVIOUSLY about to send her home. 
• This is terrible. 

• AT LEAST PUT THE ROSE DOWN WHILE YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH HER.
• ASSHAT
• Then he goes back looking for some comfort. 

• "I just really want to be honest with you guys and tell you that I'm basically fearful for every single relationship. I'm worried that it's going to work out with none of you. I don't know if I can keep doing this. Anyway, good talk." 
• Sorry your life is so tough, Nicholas. Maybe stop throwing away quality girls and act less like a sewer rat. 
• Although obviously #teamRachel forever, though I can't decide if that means I'd rather her win or I'd rather her escape with her life. 
• He knocked out a whole MESS of girls tonight: 

At least we have this to look forward to next week:

• In the meantime, please bow your heads for a moment of silence.
• 🎶 I will remember youuuuuuuu 🎶