Fetch or Wretch? Met Gala 2018

I know, I know, I haven’t posted in forever and also this is gonna be a drive-by commentary of both speed and hatefulness BUT I couldn’t let last night co un-remarked on. The event? The annual Met Ball. The theme? “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination.” The looks? Well, we’ll decide, won’t we?  

HIT IT! 

 FETCH: 

Blake Lively

I almost never like what Blake Lively wears. She famously doesn’t employ a stylist and curates all her own red carpet looks, which means that she also famously whiffs it like 75% of the time with fit, choice, all of the above. But this? I’m here for it. Remember that the Met Ball is a hot bed of WTF-ery, so we’re gonna give extra kudos to the people who both step out on a limb AND manage to be on-theme and fashionable. And I think homegirl has done all three. 

 Janelle Monae

I feel like this year’s theme was made with Janelle in mind. Always in black and white, she is serving us a sartorial black and white cookie with some medieval chain-mail-and-halo-themed headgear. Fit is impeccable, face is so gorgeous, and even her nails match. GO ON. 

 Lena Waithe 

Initially, one might look at this major departure from the theme and think, “....what??” But if you take a second to process that Lena Waithe, an openly gay actor, writer, and producer, is giving an intentional middle finger to the theme, it’s pretty darn killer. It seems like this is Waithe’s way of acknowledging that the Catholic Church doesn’t have favorable views on the LGBT community, and instead of jumping in with a theme that doesn’t celebrate her, she had a fashion MOMENT with a not-so-subtle message. What I love about it is that she chose to make her statement beautiful and high-fashion, when she could’ve just blown it off and made it ugly. Love, love, love. 

 Kate Bosworth

This was one of my favorite looks of the night. I think this is STUNNING. So gorgeous, so ethereal. Lots of people did a spin on the “heavenly” part of of the theme, but I think Kate Bosworth did it best. And she even managed to incorporate the Catholic part of the theme by wearing what’s essentially a really freakin’ fabulous habit. How do you solve a problem like Maria? 

 Jennifer Lopez

I mean, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHEN IS SHE EVER GOING TO AGE?! Do we think she 

a) sold her soul to the devil
b) injects the blood of baby goats into her face, or
c) is pulled/waxed/lubed/squeezed to perfection by a team of highly trained gays? 

I don’t even care what it is. I don’t even care if she’s a robot wearing a person suit. I love her. Forever.  

Chadwick Boseman 

Wakanda for-MFing-ever. 

Zoe Kravitz 

TBH, when I saw this last night, I thought, “Meh. Boring.” But then I realized she’s doing the “bodies” part of “Heavenly Bodies.” And I was like, “Oh.” And then I was like, “If I had a body like Zoe Kravitz, I think I’d wear a dress held together by a couple’a limp ribbons all of the time.” Because DAMN. 

Ariana Grande 

Call me crazy, but I loved this. The bow is a little nod to Madonna (who was the entertainment this year because #ofcourseshewas), and the dress is kooky and well-fitted and just the generally pretty. 

 Rihanna

The Pope is probably jealous of this. 

Frances McDormand 

This is just some straight-up crazy shit and I’m here for it. I have no idea how it has anything to do with the theme and I just couldn’t care any less. I once met Frances McDormand in a J Crew and she is a lovely person. I’m here for it. Go get ‘em, Franny. 

Madonna 

I mean, she kind of invented this, no? So yeah. She’s “fetch” no matter what she’s wearing. Which, in this case, at least covers her body. Remember ass-gate a few years ago? No? Google it. Or, better yet, don’t. Love the crown because she really is royalty when it comes to religion and pop culture.

Migos 

DEAD. WHO ARE THESE GUYS?! I am so wildly out of the pop culture loop when it comes to new music/cool music so I don’t have a clue who these people are (outside of last weekend’s SNL parody), but I am so obsessed with every single thing. Rings Jackets Shoes Sunglasses Hair Tailoring Shoes Jewelry EVERYTHING. 

 Lilly Collins

White girl weird-ass-ness. Nun gone wrong. And is she carrying prayer beads?? Either way. Yes all around.  

 Priyanka Chopra

That color makes me want to jump into a pool of blood red velvet and just wallow around in it. The headpiece is also beyond. There has to be a name for the chain mail thing knights wore under their helmets that all these girls are doing a riff on, but I’m too lazy to look it up. Lemme know if you know. Any medieval studies majors out there? Is that a thing? 

 Zendaya

There were several attempts at a Joan of Arc  (one of which we’ll get to in a second in our Wretch coverage), but this was easily the best. Every stitch of this is mesmerizing. Such a cool take on actual armor (rather than a nod to armor) while still being glamorous and high-fashion. I want to wear this. This made my top 3. 

 Cardi B, I guess? 

Y’all, confession: I have never been more confused by a celebrity than I am by this person. I have no idea what she sings. I have no idea what her primary language is. I have no concept of how old or young she is. I could Google it, but I don’t want to. I kind of like being in the dark. This is something that would only work at the Met Ball, and while it’s definitely a fashion moment, I’m also feeling bad for the pregnant girl wearing ankle straps so tight she’ll have marks later. So she kind of got a pity Fetch. 

 Mindy Kaling

Maybe it is more “royal wedding” than Catholic-inspired, and maybe the bodice is squeezing her shoulder and underarms in an unflattering way, but I thought she slayed in this. 

Sarah Jessica Parker 

Because I said so, okay? That’s why. Let’s just put out thumbs over her face because the makeup is...not great...and focus on the fact that she is a full-on nativity scene on her head.  

And now let’s get to the real reason we’re all gathered today... 

WRETCH.  

*cracks knuckles*  

 Hailee Steinfeld

I’m not even checking as to whether I spelled her name correctly. I should’ve called her sexy pouty overly-contoured Blair Waldorf Kardashian and been done with it. This is SO BASSSSSICCCCCCCC IT HURTS.

Katy Perry 

I know that I’m in a super small minority in hating this, but I do. Obviously the wings are everything, but the dress and boots combo look like a tacky karaoke night outfit at some 22 year old’s bachelorette party in Dallas. I want an empire waisted gown in a pastel with some kind of subtle-yet-fabulous head-wear. She just always seems to be one degree from perfect. 

Greta Gerwig 

I kind of love/hate this, but hate it just a little bit more than I love it. It’s ballsy and it’s obviously on-theme, but it’s SO voluminous that she just gets lost in there. Could’ve done with more tailoring and could’ve done with more face. She looks like the nun version of Violet Beauregard post-blueberry. 

 Claire Danes

HATE. 

IT. 

What even IS this??? Valentine’s Day in 1999?? This looks like something someone got kicked off Project Runway for making. Was there a time limit? Did her original dress fall apart and a seamstress had to cook something up using three bolts of different-colored satin while blindfolded? And what the hell is up with that “bracelet??” I’m using quotations because it’s generous to call a bangle from Michael’s with a peacock feather and a long tassel strapped to it a “bracelet.” Claire, go look in the mirror and make your crying face. FAIL. 

 Didn’t Bother to Look Up Who This Is

This dress looks like a Catholic mom gave her 4-year-old a sticker book on a road trip and this is what she came up with. Also the full-bloom roses on her head are giving me Phadra Parks at her boughetto baby shower in RHOA Season 3. Please tell me you get that reference. Bye, wig. 

 Ashley Graham, I Think? 

Oh were you looking for prom? It’s down the hall to the left. Sorry, this is the Met Gala red carpet. You must be confused. Bad news, though. Even at prom, this is gonna be a snooze. 

Amal Clooney

I know, I know, I’m going to hell for daring to critique Amal. But y’all, I just CAN’T anymore with the pants and giant ball gown half-skirts. It’s PLAYED OUT. The giant seam on the train is just too hotel bedspread for me and I really don’t get how this is on theme. She’s also one of the hosts for the evening, so I extra don’t like it. It’s dramatic, but it’s bad. Don’t look at it under a black light. 

And now, for the wretchest of them all... 

 SHAILENE WOODLEY OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT!

TRUE STORY: When I was trying to save this photo, it crashed my computer. Also a true story: The camera wouldn’t even focus on this bad bad badness. Seriously, look. It focused on BackTat McFlashcrotch instead. This is TERRIBLY fitted through the shoulders and bust and looks like she’s left room for storage in there if necessary. The high pony and bangs are painful. It legit looks like the villain in Pocahontas. What was that guy’s name? You know, with the pug who was friends with Meeko? ...anyway the point is she looks like a British man and not even a well-dressed one. You know she walked in, saw Zendaya doing the same thing but so much better, and wanted to flee immediately. Poor Shailene or However You Spell It. Your wretchness wounds me. Now gimme one’a them cheeseburgers you’re hiding in that top.  

Okay, folks! That does it for me! I’ll see myself out and hope that the Lord continues to smile on me after I’ve been really mean to these strangers. Feeling guilty, a little. But hey - the them was Catholicism-based, right? So I guess a little lingering guilt is perfectly appropriate.