The Enneagram and Me.

This post could be about 1,000 years long. Why? Because the Enneagram is just. So. GOOD. 

I was fortunate enough to be introduced to the Enneagram when I was about 18. After taking a test from a workbook to determine my type, I began to read about myself in a depth that I’d never read before. Suddenly, a lot of hidden pieces of my personality were right in front of me in black and white, some of which weren’t particularly flattering. 

But let’s back up for a second. What is the Enneagram? 

The basics:

The Enneagram (pronounced “any-ah-gram”) is a thousands-of-years-old tool that’s been used by spiritual healers, gurus, and leaders for centuries. The modern version as we know it has been around since the 70’s, but the teachings behind that method are drawn from ancient traditions and have been synthesized to create what we now know as “The Enneagram.” Using it builds self-awareness, deep introspective knowledge, improves relationships, and can even act as a form of therapy (it certainly has for me!). 

It’s gained a ton of popularity - like, a ton - in the last few years because of meme culture and Instagram accounts like @enneagramandcoffee (who lives in Asheville, wouldn’t you know!), among others. People casually identify with a type and may even type themselves according to things they see on social media. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but the real work begins when you take a test written by Enneagram experts. 

There are nine personality types within the Enneagram. The number of a type has nothing to do with the order of development - in other words, a Type 1 is not superior to a Type 7, or vice versa. Each number contains within it descriptions of the deep ins and outs of what makes a person tick: our motivations, our fears, our best and worst selves. And the types relate to one another in lots of different and fascinating ways. 

One thing you’ll often hear people talk about when they're discussing Enneagram types is “wings.” Someone might say, “I’m a Type One, wing 2.” A lot of times it’s written as “1w2.” A “wing” simply means that of the two types on either side of your number, you identify more strongly with one than the other. It’s just a way to add some complexity to your type, because no one fits every single tenet of a single type and no tenets of any other type. A really common misconception is that a “wing” is the type you score second highest in - for example, if someone took the test and scored highest as a 6, and second-highest as a 2, they might say they’re a 6w2. That’s an incorrect usage of the term, because a wing can only be attached to your primary type. Think about it like a bird: if you’re a Type 9, your wings are on either side, so you can either be a 9w1 or a 9w8, but not a 9w4. 

I know, it’s a lot. 

BUT - it’s important stuff, because the more you understand about how it works, the better you can apply it to life, and the more profound conclusions you’ll get out of it. I promise! 

It may seem like gobbledygook, woo woo, astrological bullshit to some of you. And I get that - I think I’d probably feel that way on a first pass, myself. But I’ll tell you that my husband, the ultimate skeptic and data-driven geek, is very into the Enneagram because he knows what I know: this is the real deal. 

Okay, so let’s get personal. 

My life as an 8: 

It’s so funny that even years into this thing, I still get nervous about admitting I’m an 8. If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, you know that 8’s have an association with anger and confrontation, which are things that make me wince to imagine you might associate with me. You can read more about Type 8’s here so we’ll all be on the same page. 

SO. 

I’m an 8w9, which essentially means my version of an 8 is a bit less intense and confrontational than most. I don’t really consider myself a confrontational person by nature, but I also think the root of the description is true for me: I don’t allow myself to be pushed around, and I have a deeply flowing sense of justice - both for myself, those I love, and those who can’t defend themselves. One of the things you learn about when you delve into the Enneagram is the concept of “triads,” and that each type falls into one of three: the Feelings/Heart Triad (Types 2, 3, 4), the Anger/Gut Triad (Types 8, 9, 1), and Thinking/Head Triad (Types 5, 6, 7). 8 sits firmly in the Anger Triad, which just means that we tend to default to anger. If something unexpected happens, rather than feeling sad or anxious, we’re more likely to get angry. And boy, is that true for me. 

If someone cuts me off in traffic? Angry. If someone changes a dinner plan that I’d made pains to arrange my schedule around? Angry. If someone is late? Angry. Not necessarily long-lasting, plotting your death anger, but like...a flash of white hot “How dare you?” anger. I know many of you might be thinking, “Well yeah - those are situations that would make anyone angry.” But in reality, many people would experience sadness (“Why doesn’t this person respect me?”) or anxiety (“I’ll never be worthy of love,”) as an initial response. It’s so interesting how differently we all process. 

Being that the other name for my triad is the Gut Triad, I’m also a person who makes quick, gut-based decisions on things. As with most traits, sometimes that’s a great quality, and sometimes it means I’m a stubborn ass who is hard to be married to. Jordan is a Type 3 (3w4, for anyone who wants to know!), and he is much slower to make a decision than I am - again, sometimes great and sometimes it makes me want to punch him in the head. But when we work together best is when we each “stay in our lane” and respect the other’s process, rather than trying to force the other over to our side. 

Here are a few examples of how this quality shows up for me: 

In good ways! When I was pregnant with Mac, I made the decision right up front that I didn’t need to seek out every single person or book’s input on how to have/raise a baby. I wanted to honor and trust my own instincts as a mom. I chose one sleep training program, one “how to” book about pregnancy, and two young moms to really invest in. Doing that allowed me to let other people’s unsolicited advice or feedback just roll off my back, because I knew that I had what I needed to know - and that all the things I didn’t know, I could ask my trusted advisors! When Mac was born, I took the reigns of sleep training him and had no problem playing “bad cop” on the nights when he had to cry it out because I knew, ultimately, it was for his own good. It’s easy for me to compartmentalize unpleasant things if I know that doing so will produce fruit for me. 8’s are typically very pragmatic that way - we lead with kind of a no-nonsense stride.

In bad ways! Any time I make a decision about something, I have a really hard time hearing other people’s feedback about it because I’m so convinced it’s the right thing (even when it’s not). This comes up most frequently with furniture or interior design. If I’ve made a choice about where something should go and have gone to the trouble to move it and style it, it both wounds and enrages me to have Jordan come in and say, “Do you really like that there?” Even in the most benign comments, the ugly streak of “UM YES I DO AND I AM RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING SO SUCK IT,” is always bubbling just below the surface. Unless you’re very close to me, you wouldn’t know this trait existed, but in my most intimate and comfortable relationships, it rears its head!

Over the years, Jordan has lovingly developed a state of mind he calls “Mary Catherine-Level Confidence” to describe any time that I claim I’m 100% sure about something, only to find out that I’m dreadfully wrong or misguided. His favorite example of this was when there was a mysterious buzz coming from somewhere in our house. We couldn’t place it, but I’d decided that it was coming from the speaker where our doorbell rang. (Did I know this for sure? No. No, I did not.) I told Jordan I was “1,000% sure it’s coming from there.” He, of course, checked, and...it wasn’t. For him, 1,000% sure would entail having already gone to the electrical board, switched things on/off, found the buzz by process of elimination, etc. For me,1,000% sure meant, “Yeah, I feel like this is right.” Because a lot of the time, that works out pretty well - so that bad habit is reinforced! 

Female 8’s are a particularly unique type on the Enneagram spectrum, because the qualities of an 8 on paper are most likely associated with male energy. I mean, the four words used to sum up an 8 on The Enneagram Institute’s website are “self-confident, decisive, willful,” and “confrontational.” That doesn’t sound like how we culturally describe women, as a rule. And that can make life tricky - over the years, I have found myself comfortable in groups of men sometimes more so than groups of women because my foul mouth and occasional crass-ness can ruffle the feathers of some female comrades. In groups of women, I often find myself subconsciously “testing the waters” by dropping a few subtle swear words into the conversation to see who is offended and who doesn’t care. The “don’t cares” are typically more my speed. 

I, along with many 8’s, am a “suffer-no-fools” sort of person, and have a really hard time with passive aggression, indecision, whining, hypochondria, and exaggeration about how bad something is. Most of those things present as very disingenuous to me, which makes me immediately suspect that someone is not trustworthy, and therefore not someone I can safely be around or open up to.

Of course, this is not to say that I myself am not emotional. I’m very tender-hearted and sensitive to other people's emotions and pain. Empathy is one of my strongest soft skills, and it’s one of the major reasons why I’ve cultivated this blog to be a space where everyone, regardless of political or religious ilk, can feel welcome. But the strong empathetic quality is a double-edged sword: over-done, it can mean that I take on other people’s feelings, which is why compartmentalizing is so important for me. Done just right, it means I’m emotional and expressive, but still can maintain a healthy boundary. 

The bottom line of all that is that 8’s are, in our hearts, very tender, sensitive, and deeply vulnerable people. The tougher exterior is constructed so that our soft little under bellies aren’t wounded by every passerby. Me seeing who can “handle” me socially (by swearing, for example) is a cursory way for me to figure out who is likely to be a real, deep friend. 

In my most meaningful relationships, I think (I hope!) most of my very close friends would describe me as loyal, loving, and very supportive through thick and thin. Those I consider to be “my people” have my undying support. I try to really prioritize showing up for people and letting them know they can count on me, and I hope that they feel it! :) 

One of the biggest things I struggle with in life is the concept of control. Control is big for 8’s, because, on a basic level, if we can control our environments, that means we will never be hurt. (Of course that’s not true, but we’re great at convincing ourselves that it is!) Releasing control in any given situation is always an act of will for me - whether that’s trusting someone else to make plans for a group outing, allowing Mac to stay up beyond the parameters of a nap for a special occasion, etc. But those moments of surrender are also so important and healthy; the older I get, the more I’m learning to embrace them!

So I feel like I’ve revealed a lot of deeply unflattering things about myself in this type - here are some things I love about being an 8: 

  • I think I’m a good leader, and really enjoy rallying a team or creating bonds among people who might otherwise have nothing in common. 

  • A commitment to social justice has always been and will always be of paramount important for me; I love seeing the needs of traditionally disenfranchised people being met, and I love when the underdog wins.

  • I like to think I have a “can-do” attitude, as The Enneagram Institute describes, and that I don’t balk in the face of a challenge. I like to think that I can handle most things that come my way (which, as I said earlier, can be problematic but can also be good!). 

What I’ve learned: 

The Enneagram has taught me SO MUCH. One of my favorite things about using it as a tool is that you get information about yourself at your best and at your worst - it’s a dynamic device. You can tell when you’ve slipped into a less healthy version of yourself because those traits are clearly identified, and you can tell when you’re soaring because that’s laid out, too! 

My lessons will be specific to me, of course, but I hope the gravity of what they mean to my life helps illuminate just how great using The Enneagram can be. I’ve learned: 

  • To open, soften, and release control. I talked about this a little above, but the biggest takeaway for me has been that just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should - and that, in many cases, I actually cannot do that thing (or don’t know the answer, or can’t control it, etc.). It is actually a great relief to not be in charge, and the more I embrace that, the happier I am.

  • That it’s okay to be myself. I spent years navigating the waters of “She’s a little much,” from elementary school until a few years ago. I think, on some level, I feared my big personality because it might make people think I was attention-crazy, or selfish, or obnoxious, or not very smart. I’ve settled into a groove now of allowing my “big-ness” to come through in the ways I both choose and embrace, and celebrating that might mean I can accomplish a lot if I put my mind to it! 

  • That softness does not equal weakness. It’s easy for 8’s to confuse quietness, indecision, or emotionality for weakness - and that’s just plain wrong. SO many people who embody characteristics that are most subtle are the strongest among us!

  • How useful the Enneagram is as a tool to understand others! My marriage has been enriched so much by the Enneagram because Jordan and I have both read and studied each other’s types. When we’re most frustrated with each other, we can look to what is truly causing the offending behavior and understand it rather than dismiss or get angry with it. That’s all thanks to what the Enneagram has brought to our lives in terms of grasping each other’s deepest fears, vulnerabilities, and the ways in which we can best love and partner with the other. I have also forced all of my best friends to take the test and am so grateful for how much better I have a handle on who they are and what makes them tick. 

I thought I’d end with several questions my Instagram followers posed about the Enneagram, along with a couple I’ve gotten over the years.

Enneagram FAQ: 

How can I find out my type? There are lots of quizzes online, but my recommendation is to fork over the $12 and take the real test, which can be found here. 

What if I’m stuck between two types? Do some investigating! You can read about each type in depth on the website. A good rule of thumb is that reading about your own type will often cause you to feel a little embarrassment or self-consciousness, almost like someone is reading your diary - if you feel like they’re calling you out, chances are, that’s your type! 

Okay, I know my type - where can I learn more? There are so many amazing books and resources out there - my only caution would be to make sure you are choosing sources written by experts, and not by random Instagram accounts (for the record, @enneagramandcoffee is a certified Enneagram guru and knows her stuff!). The Wisdom of the Enneagram is basically a textbook - worth every penny and is something I’ve had on my nightstand for the last decade. The Road Back to You is also wonderful. Those are my two favorites. 

Is The Enneagram a religion? No! It’s just a tool to know and better yourself. I’m United Methodist and I love how the Enneagram complements the teachings of Jesus. It’s often used alongside or in tandem with lots of different religious teachings.

Is this like astrology? Or Myers Briggs? Kind of, but not really.

Astrology’s whole basis (per my very limited understanding) is that when you’re born, the stars align and produce some sort of result that’s based on factors outside your control. The Enneagram also posits that you’re born a particular type, but it’s got a lot more to do with the factors that make you you, rather than what happened to be going on in the cosmos at the time of your birth. 

Myers Briggs and other personality tests are also really great tools, but what I love about the Enneagram is how dynamic it is. Rather than just a diagnosis, the Enneagram gives you a roadmap. 

Is The Enneagram Satanist? ...um, no. Believe it or not this a real question that several people submitted to my Instagram questions box prior to writing this post. My guess is that people are confusing the shape of the Enneagram with a pentagram, which is a Satanist symbol? I honestly have no idea where this came from, but it’s a hard no. 

Is one type better than another? Like I said above, the numbers assigned to the type should be seen as just numbers, not ranks. There is no type that is more evolved or better than any other type - everyone is equal, and everyone is different. 

What about types in relationship with each other - is there such a thing as a mis-match? No! All types are compatible in both friendship and relationship. Although there will be some types that bring out better and worse qualities in each other, there’s no such thing as a “bad” pairing. 

Does your type ever change? Nope. You are who you are. 

Happy self-discovery!

Second Baby, Second Trimester

Well helllooooooo, DOLLY! 

Man oh MAN, has it been a while. My last post was shared sometime in…the fall?! Oy. That’s not a good look. 

I’m comforting myself in the fact that the reason I’d taken a break was a good one: I was a miserable, first trimester pregnant person. The other big change in our house was that in September, Mac started pre-school (really, more of a “Mother’s Day Out”), and while that’s left me with 3 mornings a week to myself, it’s oddly thrown off my writing routine. For a while, I was using those mornings to come home and lie down on the couch to wallow in discomfort. 

Are you sensing a theme? This pregnancy has been different! 

If you’ve been hanging around this blog for a while, you know that my first pregnancy was a BREEZE (you can read more about that here and here!). The Lord saw fit to humble me this time, though, and so I spent the first trimester plagued with all the most cliched and unsavory symptoms, from bloating and lack of...regularity, shall we say?...to migraines, bad skin to nausea. And the mood swings. And the CRYING.

Poor. 

Jordan. 

But now, blessedly, we are out of those woods - actually, almost all the way to third trimester! So I thought it’d be fun to document a little of what has been going on. 

How far along? I’m 26 weeks as of Sunday the 19th, due in late April! 

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Are you finding out the gender? We already know! But we’re keeping it to ourselves. :) We chose not to know with Mac, so we thought we’d have one of each kind of experience. It’s been so fun to have this little secret. We’ll share both gender and the name we’ve chosen when the baby is here! 

That’s Jordan’s man thumb, not mine. Just needed to make that clear.

That’s Jordan’s man thumb, not mine. Just needed to make that clear.

Total weight gain and body changes: Your girl has a LOT to say about this. 

I’ve definitely 20+ pounds. I honestly have no idea. I don’t look at the scale at the doctor’s office because I don’t really believe in knowing unless there’s a problem. 

My body is completely different this go-round. With Mac, I carried all my baby bump in the front. This baby is spreading out and taking up all the real estate possible, so my entire torso, both width-wise and front-to-back is full. Of. BABY. My legs are much bigger, my face is much fuller, and that definitely poses a threat to my confidence on some days. 

HOWEVER,

I’ll tell you this: bodies are amazing things. Everyone is different, looks different, gains and loses weight at a different rate. It’s a tricky thing to talk about because it’s such a sensitive subject for women generally, since most of us already have self-image issues prior to carrying a human life. It’s especially interesting in this culture of the “postpartum snap-back,” which lifestyle bloggers seem endlessly fascinated with publicizing. And while I want to “You go, girl!” anyone’s self-confidence in posting photos of themselves in a crop top 11 weeks after giving birth, I also feel like it’s super important to talk about the fact that pregnancy is not a competition. It was not made for Instagram, it was made for procreation. There are lots of unglamorous parts of this ball game and the slower recovery many women have to feeling like themselves again. I was lucky to lose a lot of my baby weight breastfeeding, but I could be a completely different recovery this time around, and that’s okay! 

Alllll of that to say, 

I don’t hold any judgments about how much weight people gain during pregnancy, or how long it takes people to fit back into their pre-pregnancy pants. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter unless there’s a health concern. It’s nobody’s business but yours and your healthcare provider’s! Unless, of course, you want to put on a public blog how much you’ve gained. Like I clearly do. It’s not a contest. Live your life, eat your truth, gain your weight, or don’t. Whatever. 

This is pure #secondchild-ness because this is a…lovely shot. I mean really. Just quality. And yet, it’s one of the only even semi-full-length photos from the last SEVEN MONTHS that I have!

This is pure #secondchild-ness because this is a…lovely shot. I mean really. Just quality. And yet, it’s one of the only even semi-full-length photos from the last SEVEN MONTHS that I have!

Favorite moments of the pregnancy so far: Like I said, since we didn’t find out the gender with Mac, finding out and telling our families has been SO FUN. Getting Mac to understand that there’s a “little baby” in my belly as opposed to our “big boy” (him!) has been so sweet. I remember one specific moment when I was reading a book to Mac, who was sitting in my lap, and the new baby started kicking. So sweet! Although I will say - there’s not nearly as much time to document, enjoy, and rest when you have another child to chase after. 

Food cravings: First trimester, it was anything beige. Truly. I would eat bagels, potatoes, cereal out of the box...that was all that sounded good and all I could stomach! Now I’m eating ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, honey. I’ve never been a big meat-eater, so that’s still true, but if it’s in front of me? It won’t be for long. 

How we told our families: This time around, my favorite thing has been how casual everything has been. Don’t get me wrong - I live for a “big moment” and a surprise - but telling Jordan, my parents, and his parents was so fun, and part of why it was fun is because it was so simple. That’s also why I waited until much later to share on Instagram or Facebook - it was fun to have a secret to ourselves, just telling the people in our very close circle of friends or people we see every day. The old-fashioned way! 

Full disclosure: right after I found out, I experienced some feelings of grief. I felt a wave of sadness pass over me that my special time with just Mac was drawing to a close! That may seem unusual to read, but I wanted to share it just in case anyone else had experienced it. You’re not alone! Eventually, the more I talked about it and further along I got, I developed a lot of excitement. But it definitely took a few weeks to sink in because I love my boy and I had to do a little mourning of this “just the two of us” phase coming to a close.

Telling Jordan: I found out very unexpectedly, taking a “just to be safe” pregnancy test before I left for an all-girls trip to Chicago. I was shocked to discover that I was pregnant, which, as you can imagine, drastically changed the nature of that trip - ha! When Jordan got home that evening, he was walking around our backyard, dreaming up landscaping ideas. I told him he’d better make sure the fence was enclosed for Mac and his little brother or sister, who’d be arriving in the spring. He, like me, was dumbstruck, but SO happy. 

Telling our parents: While I was in Chicago, Jordan’s parents came up to visit and help with Mac, so Jordan told them then! This is a cute clip (just the audio) of them finding out - I made him record the audio and send it to me. 

 A week after we found out, we went to Bend, Oregon with my family for our annual family vacation. We told my parents at their house (where we spent the night before the trip) - Mom asked if I wanted a cocktail and I said, “I’d better not, since I’m pregnant.” It is one of the great joys of my life to watch my mother be both caught off guard and overwhelmed with excitement. Parker and Emily got told in the airport, boarding a plane! Cazzzzzual. I have no documentation of any of that because…well, airport. And #secondchild.

All in all, it’s been a crazy experience. The hormones, the yucky first trimester, and chasing after a 2-year-old have definitely made it a different ride than last time and have given me massive empathy for women whose pregnancies are all unpleasant or even largely unpleasant. But second trimester has me feeling GREAT, and if this keeps up, I’ll be a happy camper trotting into the hospital in April! 

Will probably share one more pre-birth update on the blog, just as a last gasp of this pregnancy. I didn’t really intend to write about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I loved having this platform to share. So why not? 

Yahoo, baby number two! 

The Truth About Vaccines.

Deep breath, and here we go!

It started in early April when I was having a conversation with my husband, Jordan, and his parents about vaccines. Our son is about 18 months, and Jordan’s sister has a 6-month-old. We were discussing the measles outbreaks all over the country, and kept asking ourselves, “Why wouldn’t people just get vaccinated?

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Before we go on, I want to say two things plainly and up front.

The first is that I am not a doctor or medical professional of any kind. I am an English and Religious Studies major from a small, liberal arts college in Alabama. The information reflected in this post is a result of my own reading, conversations, and research as a lay person, seeking information and answers to be better informed in my conversations around this issue.

The second is that I am pro-vaccination. I was before diving into this topic for my blog, and my research has only caused me to double down on that stance. My child has received all the vaccines available to him at this age, and I do not agree with or support the choice not to vaccinate unless specifically advised not to do so by a pediatrician because of life-threatening risk factors.

When I originally began kicking the idea for this post around, it was over a month ago. I thought I’d spend two weeks on it, but one conversation has led to another, which has led to e-mails back and forth with award-winning epidemiologists, moms who’ve chosen not to vaccinate, and vaccine experts. I have read and listened to so much - so many hours of work writing, reading, and learning - but what I’ve been exposed to is ultimately a tiny drop in the bucket of the loads of information out there to consume.

To be totally candid, one of the reasons I’ve spent so long working on this post because I’ve been trying to strike exactly the right, reverent chord of stating my opinions and the opinions of medical professionals, while still respecting the women who were kind enough to help me understand the reasons they chose not to vaccinate their children. The doctors I interviewed implored me not to be overly sympathetic to the anti-vaccination movement; the women I spoke to who didn’t vaccinate urged me to make sure I was doing my own research. It has been overwhelming, and so the best I can do here is relay the facts, as plainly as possible, and with the context I feel is important in understanding them.

What this month+ of reading, research, podcasts, and trading e-mails with new friends and with doctors has reinforced to me is that this is a very complicated issue.

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In an effort to actually get a conclusive answer to my “Why not just get vaccinated?” question, I posed it to my Instagram followers. Because of some partnerships I’ve done, I have a few hundred followers I don’t know personally, and I knew I’d have a broad spectrum of young moms with differing opinions. I asked them to Direct Message me if they had chosen not to vaccinate their children. I expected one or two replies and wound up with a little over a dozen.

Two women in particular offered themselves as guides through the mindsets of parents who choose not to vaccinate their kids. I took them up on their offers, and wound up with loads of information they provided to me in the way of explaining their rationale. There were tables, articles, and counterarguments to popular scientific theories. They poured so much effort and compassion into helping me get a clear window into their minds.

As I delved into the resources they sent, it became clear that lots of it was hyper-specific and in-depth. I decided I needed someone who knew more about this than I did to help walk me through the various anti-vaccination arguments.

Through some friends, I was able to hook up with two epidemiologists, one of whom is an MD/PhD and the other of whom is a PhD. I won't mention them by name here to avoid any unwanted attention, but both women teach at major universities and have published very well-known papers, made discoveries, and are considered top-tier experts in their fields. For the sake of this post, we'll call them Dr. Brown and Dr. Jones. I synthesized the basic arguments from my new friends and sent them to Dr. Brown (MD/PhD) first, then Dr. Jones (PhD) a few weeks later. They were both kind enough to reply with articles, data points, and research of their own.

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When I polled Instagram that day, I’ll admit: I did so with a very particular preconception in mind. The only people I’d ever met or heard about in the “anti-vaxx” community seemed to be willfully ignoring important data. I didn’t have much sympathy or empathy for them because I felt they were putting people at large (and now my child specifically) at risk.

Since polling my Instagram followers a few weeks ago, I have learned so much. As is usually the case when I have a strong (if uninformed) opinion about a group of people, getting to know parents of unvaccinated kids personally has softened my heart enormously.

The truth is that these parents love their children. They are nurturing, kind people, two of whom went to great lengths to type out pages and pages of their rationale for not vaccinating. Putting a human face on something that was simply an “issue” before has helped me so much in beginning to understand how people arrive at the conclusion not to vaccinate. It’s easy to call a point of view ignorant when you don’t actually know anyone in that camp; I am very appreciative of the moms who took time out to respond to me. These women are college-educated - certainly not ignorant, as is a popular refrain from the pro-vaccination camp - and have made this choice with that they feel is the best possible information that they can find. It’s very important to me that this post offers a kinder view of people with this opinion. I don’t think they’re right, but in all the cases I’ve encountered, they’re also trying their dead-level best to protect their kids. Like every issue, just because I disagree with someone doesn’t mean I have to demonize them.

And we don’t agree. In fact, we almost categorically disagree. But I have relished the opportunities they each provided: a chance to have respectful, intelligent conversation across lines of difference, especially with fellow women.

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Having said all that, let’s dive into the data. I hope you’re ready to nerd out.

What are some of the major objections to having one’s child vaccinated?

  1. Mistrust of government.

  2. Mistrust of the medical community.

  3. Mistrust of Big Pharma.

  4. Fear of vaccine injury or overwhelming a child’s immune system.

  5. Fear of autism caused by vaccines.

  6. Lack of clarity about ingredients, AKA the “heavy metals” argument.

  7. Ethical issues over “aborted fetal cells” being included in vaccine content.

  8. Believing that natural is best, and that the body can fight off illnesses on its own.

  9. Belief in information dispensed by groups like Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s Children's Health Defense.

  10. Concerns about vaccine shedding, herd immunity, and lack of adult vaccination.

What does the medical community say?

Mistrust of the government. It’s hard to argue against a feeling, but Dr. Peter Hotez (MD, PhD, and vaccine expert) made a great point in a podcast where I heard him interviewed: “You don’t have to trust the current administration or any of its policies to believe that vaccines are effective and important. Plenty of people who don’t work for the government promote the benefits of vaccines.” The doctors I spoke to for this post are not affiliated with the government. Although it’s possible that they’ve taken advantage of government grant programs I’m not aware of, they both work for private organizations. (Dr. Hotez also works for a private organization: Baylor College of Medicine.)

Mistrust of the medical community. Any parent of a new baby has grappled with the thousands of decisions, both large and small, that come as a part of caring for a newborn. If the first time you hear about vaccines and their benefits is in the first appointment with your 2-week-old when your #1, hyper-vigilant concern is keeping them from harm, the idea of injecting them with live viruses could seem daunting and frightening. I don’t share this concern, but I can empathize deeply. There often simply isn’t enough time in those first appointments to have the types of long, careful conversations needed to satiate the minds of fearful new parents.

Mistrust of Big Pharma. Another great quote here from Dr. Hotez: “One of the things that anti-vaxxers say to pro-vaccination advocates is that they’re being ‘propped up’ by Big Pharma.” For this reason, I specifically chose to listen to or speak with doctors or epidemiologists who have no association to the pharmaceutical industry to my knowledge. Like the government point above, these people aren’t being compensated by the pharmaceutical industry for advocating for vaccines. HOWEVER - it is 100% understandable that people would be suspicious of Big Pharma in the midst of the opioid crisis happening in this country. To those people, I’d say: It’s possible to condemn the over-peddling of painkillers while still acknowledging the benefits of vaccines.

Vaccine injury/adverse reactions. The term “vaccine injury” refers to extreme shoulder injury, encephalitis, and other serious consequences as defined by the National Vaccine Compensation Act. Soreness at the injection site and even a fever for up to 24 hours are perfectly normal as a vaccine stimulates your immune system.

Vaccine injury is extremely rare. According to the Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA), here are the numbers:

  • Between 2006 and 2017, 3.4 billion doses of vaccines were given in the United States.

  • Out of those 3.4 billion doses, 4,328 people brought cases of vaccine injury before the court and received compensation.

  • The HRSA is careful to say, though, that around 70% of those cases were not, in fact, paid out because the court concluded that vaccine injury had taken place. Rather, because the court and the client reached a settlement. (You’ll often hear the number of $4 billion being referenced as the amount of money that has been paid out by the vaccine court; this context is helpful in understanding that that number does not represent anything about the validity of the cases or verdicts.)

  • That means out of 3.4 billion doses, 1,299 led to vaccine courts compensating families.

Another important point to consider: it’s impossible to say how many of those cases were caused by an unidentified and underlying immune deficiency. Roughly, the odds are 1 in 1 million that you will experience vaccine injury. For context, the chances of being struck by lightning are 1 in 700,000. So - yes. There is a risk in getting vaccinated. But it’s very, very small. For further interesting reading, the New York Times just published a piece on this topic.

Overwhelming a child’s immune system. This was a really interesting and important set of facts that I came to understand. Babies are exposed to hundreds of antigens from the second they’re born, which means they’re perfectly capable of handling the immune response triggered by vaccine antigens. However, a child’s immune system is NOT strong enough to withstand an infectious disease, which is why they’re vaccinated so early for things like measles. For a deeper understanding of how scientists have combined vaccines to make them more effective and even safer, this article is a great read.

Fear of autism caused by vaccines. The idea that the MMR vaccine (or any other vaccine) causes autism has been definitively and roundly debunked. Andrew Wakefield, the former MD who alleged that there was a link between vaccines and autism, has been stripped of his medical license and the study he published has been discredited for a number of reasons (both scientific and ethical). Interestingly, Andrew Wakefield is also the person who directed and starred in the popular anti-vaxx documentary, Vaxxed. (The not-so-subtle subtext I’m trying to get across here is that Vaxxed was created by a man who’s had his medical license revoked, so the material in it is questionable.)

Lack of clarity about ingredients; concerns about “heavy metals” or aluminum. The most helpful piece I found here is this great article that breaks down exactly what’s in a vaccine and how vaccines are made. I won’t even try to paraphrase it here - she says it best.

For parents concerned about thimerosal, From Dr. Jones: “Some vaccines did contain thimerosal, a mercury salt, but that's like saying that table salt = chlorine gas. Basic chemistry demonstrates that compounds have different properties than the elements from which they come. And thimerosal was removed from childhood vaccines almost a generation ago. It is present in some multi-dose flu vaccines but one can ask for those to be thimerosal-free, and it has never been demonstrated to have caused any harm. Aluminum is not a heavy metal, and again, is in the form of salts and not metallic aluminum in vaccines.”

From Dr. Brown: “Aluminum is not a heavy metal. Aluminum is used in vaccines as an adjuvant – meaning a substance that is added to vaccines that stimulates a stronger immune response.  There is no aluminum in any live vaccines, including MMR. Aluminum is naturally present in the environment. There is normally a very small amount of aluminum in (the) human body.  The amount used in vaccines is so small that it does not make an impact on the total.”

From Dr. Hotez, when asked, “What’s in a vaccine?”: “Liquid, like saline or saltwater plus antigens.”

Ethical issues about aborted fetal cells being used:

From Dr. Brown: “No, there are no fetal cells in the vaccines. Viruses require human cells to grow in the lab, and some grow better in fetal cells. Also, fetal cells divide well, which means that they can be preserved long term to grow the vaccine virus – because every batch you make you need to make it the same way.  The original fetal cells which were used in vaccine development came from elective pregnancy terminations. These cells have resulted in medical products that have saved the lives of millions of people.”

From Dr. Jones: “Many viruses can only be grown in human cells, so fetal cells are the best way to grow these. The cells are removed during processing--think of it like the dirt in which we grow carrots or potatoes. Even religious bodies have demonstrated that they are fine with these types of cells, though of course would prefer an alternative (that does not currently exist).”

In response to information cited by RFK Jr. and Children’s Health Defense, particularly the data about “wild measles” being preferable to the MMR vaccine:

From Dr. Jones: “There is just no evidence to support what he claims. We know wild measles is associated with deaths in around 1-2 per 1000, encephalitis, pneumonia, and years of immune amnesia, not to mention the chance of SSPE which is universally fatal and horrific. Yes, there was a clinical trial that showed measles eliminated cancer in *one patient*--but they gave her a megadose of a *genetically-modified measles vaccine*, not the wild virus. There also is one epidemiological study that suggested fevers from measles is protective against later cancers but it's pretty poorly done and doesn't have other support (it has not been repeated or supported by other investigators).”

Vaccine shedding and questions about herd immunity.

The concept of vaccine shedding simply means that for a few days after a person receives a vaccine, they threaten to expose immunocompromised people around them to the diseases for which they were vaccinated. In the end, this concept is one that doesn’t hold water. This article was recommended to me by Dr. Jones and does a great job of addressing that concern, even including a tweet from Johns Hopkins stating specifically that it’s okay for recently vaccinated children to visit immunocompromised patients in their hospital.

Herd immunity is a simple enough concept: vaccinated people (or people who have naturally encountered and survived a germ or disease) protect immunocompromised people from contracting a particular disease. It’s important for exactly that reason - there are lots of people who are vulnerable. (think: children who are too young, chronically ill people, and people who can’t be vaccinated for a specific medical reason) and rely on the rest of us to vaccinate ourselves in order to protest them.

For herd immunity to be effective, a certain percentage of the population has to be vaccinated against or immune to a disease (and it’s different for every disease - measles, for example, requires 92-95% of the population to be immune to keep from spreading. An important note here is that an outbreak can still occur, but it can’t spread if effective herd immunity is in play.) Obviously, in many cases in the U.S., there’s low herd immunity because so many unvaccinated people have contracted measles. Here’s a great piece on Mental Floss that does a deep-dive into the hard math behind how herd immunity works, how diseases spread and at what rate, and why diseases seem to “favor” children.

The TLDR version of this is: vaccine shedding does not pose a threat to the immunocompromised; herd immunity effectively prevents immunocompromised people from contracting contagious and potentially fatal diseases.

My personal takeaways:

  • The anti-vaccination lobby is extremely powerful, and has done a truly remarkable job of making it a challenge to find clear, scientific data about vaccines online. I am now quite clear on why so many people have deeply held opinions that they feel are based in science, but are actually based on misinformation.

    1. The anti-vaccination lobby is also a bit of a mystery. I still have big questions: who’s backing it? Where is all the money coming from? What’s the ultimate goal?

  • There are some things that are black and white - easy to understand and digest. For example: vaccines do not cause autism. Full stop.

  • There are other pieces of the puzzle that take a lot of digging to understand. For example: the truth behind vaccine injury and whether the number $4 billion in payouts is accurate. It’s frustrating to me that this information is so misrepresented and has confused or misled so many people. It shouldn’t take hours of reading to figure out the truth.

  • I understand that time is always pressed at the doctor’s office, but I would love it if it was possible for vaccine education to begin as early as prenatal visits. The pressure parents feel at the pediatrician to just say, “Okay - whatever you think is best!” is heavy, especially for first-time parents. Having the space to talk through and ask any questions you might have is essential to eliminating misinformation and fear around vaccinations, and I think that’s a huge area for growth in our system. (A caveat here that I love our pediatrician, who always gives us time to ask questions. Shout out to Dr. Templeton!)

  • I understand why people are suspicious of Big Pharma. No need to elaborate. It just makes sense to me.

  • It is not only unkind, but unhelpful to assume that people who choose not to vaccinate are ignorant about risks, research, or data. At least in the conversations I’ve had, these parents are dutiful, involved, and extremely caring. If you’re curious or concerned, opening up a conversation can be helpful and informative for everyone.

Okay, folks. That’s it. I ask for your grace and understanding in reading and processing all this, welcome your questions, and am grateful for your time. Hopefully you’re leaving this post with a few more tools in your belt so that you can engage one another in conversation about this stuff. It’s been a fascinating journey for me.

Over and out.

I Love My Body; I Hate My Body.

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like for men who’ve literally never thought for a second about the food they’re eating. EVERY time I eat something, I’m thinking about it.  

Sometimes I’m thinking, “Well this is super unhealthy. But I deserve it. I’m stressed. I’m gonna pack myself full of food and not care a bit.”  

Sometimes I’m thinking, “This is super unhealthy. I kind of hate myself for eating it, but I’m too tired to care.”

Sometimes I’m thinking, “This is so healthy! Good for me! I am amazing and basically an Instagram fitness model!”  

But I am ALWAYS thinking. There is never a meal or a snack to which I don’t ascribe some sort of value judgment. 

This is not to say that I have an unhealthy relationship with food in any kind of catastrophic, life-altering way. It’s simply to say that I am female. And this is what we have been taught to do.  

When I was pregnant, I loved so much about the experience, chiefly how delightful it was to bare my big giant belly with PRIDE. A lot of pregnant women I know choose to wear loose, blousy tops or dresses, but not me. HELL no. Every chance I got, I was wearing something snug and form-fitting. It was both a treat and a relief to have a completely socially acceptable reason to be straight up overweight. It was a dream I’d had for years and boy, did it deliver. 

On the back end, after Mac was born, things were a little different.

The cute little boobs that I’d always been proud of looked quite different (AKA deflated and sad) after nursing a baby for 11 months. The strong legs that I’d cultivated through months of Pure Barre classes had a solid layer of fat from my hipbones to my ankles. And then there’s the obvious midsection trouble: flabbier, softer, and looser-skinned. My hair fell out and regrew, which means short tendrils sprouted from the corners of my hairline and the nape of my neck and have now grown into inches-long-but-still-not-long-enough chunks of weird hair that has to be tended to specifically or else it sticks out. OUT. Straight out of my head. 

It occurred to me during this season of body insecurity that I had never really had any body insecurity before.  

I mean, yes. Obviously I’d been self conscious growing up about certain things - my nose is big, the hair on my legs is so black and stipply and even when I’ve just shaved, you can see the little pores where it grows (like if any boy ever touched my legs I was secretly freaking out). But real body insecurity that’s based on being overweight or something I couldn’t control immediately - that was new.  

And it kind of rocked how I perceived myself. For the first few months of Mac’s life, I was doing my hair and makeup every day just to counterbalance the weight of my appearance. I didn’t hate myself, but for the first time in my life, I dreaded passing a mirror between the moment I got undressed and the moment I got in the shower.  

Now, things have settled a bit more. My legs are mostly back to where they used to be, through the wonder of genetics. I’ve lost the baby weight and am back in my pre-baby clothes. But I still struggle to feel “beautiful” unless certain boxes are checked: my hair is freshly colored, I have self-tanner on my face, I have undereye makeup on, and I’m under 145 pounds.  

You can add in your own list of things here that you don’t feel pretty without. We all have them.  

Jordan and I are going to Mexico tomorrow, and as I started dreading being in a two piece, I started thinking about how incredible the journey my body has been on actually is.  

I’ve grown a baby to term and endured the physiological trauma of labor and a C-section - one of the very few major, non-laparoscopic surgeries that is still routinely performed. I’ve made food for my new baby and gotten it to him for almost a full year. I gained a little over 50 pounds and lost it again. And this is just pregnancy stuff. 

I’ve endured two rounds of stitches to the left knee and a gnarly high ankle sprain. Wrist sprain. Busted lip so hard my tooth almost popped through. Pink scar on my left shoulder from a bike wreck in 7th grade. Exercise-induced asthma for the first 10 years of life. Caffeine, alcohol, repeat on countless weekends. No sleep. Stomach bugs. Junk food. No food. Too much food. 

Those aren’t traumas by any means, but they’re the things we all put our bodies through. Every day, our bodies serve us in ways that we completely take for granted. This is to say nothing of people who have chronic disease, illness, or pain. 

When I sat down to write this post, I couldn’t decide if I wanted it to be a “Who gives a shit about your stretch marks? You’re fabulous!” post, or an “Okay yeah, we can acknowledge our flaws. But life is about more than that!” post. I couldn’t really land on one or the other.

So here’s what I’ll say instead. When I board the plane tomorrow for our vacation, I’ll go through about 11 cycles of, “Okay - don’t look too bad! Way to go, me!” Followed by a spiral of “I really wish I’d worked out more before this vacation,” followed by, “I deserve to eat EVERYTHING AT THIS RESORT AND I PLAN TO, DAMMIT!” Pepper in some “Oh my gosh my, my thighs are sticking to this chair,” and “My legs will never be smooth,” and “Did I remember to shave my underarms this morning??”

But what I’m really hoping for is to quiet my mind and enjoy myself without being my own constant hall monitor of body talk. 

Maybe the important thing is to have a check on your thoughts and reign them in occasionally. Body mindfulness, maybe? I’m no authority on this subject, because I struggle with it in some capacity every day, like many women do. I don’t have wisdom to extol.

Except to say, at the risk of being trite, that our bodies are actually pretty incredible. And that if we’re doing things right, maybe we can move past a bit of the obsessive self-talk about food and body image and just live our lives. I guess I do have a point to this post, after all. It’s about presence. We only have one life, so maybe you oughta go live your best one in your shorts or your bathing suit or your tank top or your skin tight dress or your caftan or your suit - I’m going to, too. My body has worked so hard for me, so this upcoming week, I’m choosing to celebrate where I am and not fret over the things I find imperfect about myself, like the little bit of extra skin above my belly button that will never seem to go away. I’m channeling pregnant Mary Catherine on vacation for the next 5 days (and maybe beyond!).  ‘Cause that girl?  

She didn’t give a damn.  

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