Women Tell All.

Oh, Women Tell All. You are a usually a throw-away show designed to fill time so that we have to wait one week longer for a finale. You are usually mildly entertaining, if not very interesting. The best thing to come out of a WTA was this: 

...in case you're new to the franchise, that was Shawn "B." Snapchatting last year's Women Tell All, where he saw Kaitlyn for the first time. They're now engaged. So, you know, miracles do happen. 

In terms of loose ends or loose canons, we've got: 

  1. Everybody hates Olivia,
  2. Jubilee's departure,
  3. The twins are kind of evil and will say anything, 
  4. Olivia coming after Amanda being a "teen mom," 
  5. Leah trying to make Lauren "The Bee" B. seem like...a b., 
  6. Caila being rumored to be the next Bachelorette. 

Two bits of housekeeping before we begin. First, a word about that last bullet: IT'S ABOUT TIME. I won't say it again because this Refinery 29 piece said it best, but it is high time that a non-white person serve as the star of one of these things. 

Secondly, there's a theory that Ben only told JoJo he loved her because the production made him. The theory is: producers were pissed and shocked that Ben told Lauren B. that he loves her, and because it was so obvious that Lauren B. is going to be THE girl at the end, the peeps over at The Bachelor were all, "Yeah, no. You're gonna need to tell another one you love her to keep it interesting." For more on that, read this article where it is very convincingly explained. 

Okay. So, here we go. Come along, children, to this wild and twisted ride. 

  • Y'all, Chris Harrison loves his freaking job. 
  • How long do you think we have to wait until Chris Harrison is The Bachelor? Hopefully not much longer. Sweet little divorcée Chris Harrison (one must always use both his names) needs love. 
  • Ben and Chris Harrison go crash a bunch of Bachelor parties and make all the women luv him. 
This kills me. Standing in an actual sea of women. 

This kills me. Standing in an actual sea of women. 

  • So the women come out, everybody gets cheers, but Amanda and Caila obvi get more cheers than anyone. 
  • Can I just ask, wouldn't you be SO embarrassed to be one of the girls who got sent home early?? If I went home Weeks 1-3, I would just sit quietly at the Women Tell All and hope no one noticed I was there. 
  • We hear about how hot Ben is to start. You guys, Ben is super sweet and chivalrous, he's a wonderful person, but "sexy" isn't one of the first words I'd use to describe him. 
  • Chris Harrison plays the video of all the women backstabbing each other, and we have to watch the women watch themselves. First thing that jumps out to me is the MASSIVE amount of contouring Olivia has done on her nose. 
  • There is a chicken on this show because #ofcoursethereis. I think her name is Sheila? And Sheila is SO over it. 
Me, too, Chicken. Me, too. 

Me, too, Chicken. Me, too. 

  • They start grilling Leah about going after The Bee, but I'm so uninterested in that because it's a) boring and b) clearly a producer-manipulated storyline. 
  • However, THEN they start going after my girl Jubs., 
  • Jubilee said that none of these girls voiced their complaints directly to her (which I buy) until Amber literally strong-armed her into a confrontation. 
  • Amber and Jami, who are both bi-racial, make a claim that Jubilee said she'd be the first "full black woman" to go the distance on this show. That was kind of a gasp-out-loud moment.
  • I don't have an opinion about Jami (besides that her name is lacking an "e"), but I really don't care for Amber as evidenced in my previous posts.  
  • Jubilee gets kind of emosh over being called out, and Chris Harrison gives her a chance to respond. She owns that she probably did say that, but that she meant it jokingly (It sounds like it was part of a discussion about people being the "token this" or "token that"), that she didn't mean for it to be offensive, but that she gets it and apologized. Like a champ. #teamjubilee
  • Meanwhile, Leah goes ahead and SHOWS HER ASS by yelling at Jami and Amber to "get over" being racially offended. Nobody called for you, Leah. Stay in your lane, honey. Also YOU'RE BEING REALLY INSENSITIVE and your #whiteprivelege is showing. 
jane.gif
  • All is resolved on that matter, then Jubilee gets called down to the hot seat. Oh, Lord. I'm nervous. 
  • This is so classic Chris Harrison. "Ben was taking those steps. Ben was falling for you. I want to talk to you about that. But first, let's watch along as you get your heart broken. Take a look." Chris Harrison, you are a sneaky sunofabitch. 
Laughing at people's pain since 2002.

Laughing at people's pain since 2002.

HOT SEAT: JUBILEE.

  • So we watch this sad recap of Jubilee's story. I won't re-cap how I felt about her departure, but if you want to read it, it's right here. 
  • Jubilee tells Chris Harrison how she's a chronic "overthinker," which caused her to kind of self-destruct. (Although I still maintain that she didn't do much wrong, but that's fine.) 
  • She also tells Chris Harrison that she just made Sergeant in the Army because she is a legit badass. I love her. I think she's beautiful and has come through so much and I am just so firmly on her team. 
She owns me. 

She owns me. 

HOT SEAT: LACE.

  • Yawn. 
  • Drunk Lace gets her recap played back of what a drunk ass she was and how drunk she was and drunk. 
  • Chris Harrison is so Chris Harrison. "Sweetie, honey, baby...you think it was the music? You're cute." 
  • Lace admits that being on this show brought out a lout of things in her that she doesn't like, and that she's working on loving herself, but that she's "not there yet." 
  • So, naturally, Chris Harrison asks her if she wants to be on ANOTHER reality dating show, and she says yes. Because that's a normal reaction. 
  • THEN A TOTALLY RANDOM MAN POPS OUT OF THE AUDIENCE WHO HAS LACE'S FACE TATTOOED ON HIS BODY. 
  • That is a real sentence, you guys. This is real. That happened. 
  • Chicken and a tattoo. 
  • Chris Harrison loves his job. 
  • See ya on BIP, Lace. 

HOT SEAT: OLIVIA.

  • I can't focus on anything she's saying because of the nose-contouring.
SO. MUCH. CONTOURING.

SO. MUCH. CONTOURING.

  • So basically everyone comes at Olivia with the fire of a thousand hells.
  • But don't worry, Leah is here with another Opinion Nobody Asked For (although this time she is definitely right because the twins and Amber were HEINOUS to Olivia). 
  • Jennifer zings her with the "talk smart things" disaster of a comment she made to Ben: 
  • Ugh the Twins just keep going and going like the worst Energizer battery of all time. This is about to sound really anti-feminist, but listening to unintelligent women screech at each other might be one of my least favorite sounds, as featured in this GIF from the classic film Jaws.
  • Speaking of Jaws, I would for sure rather be doing this than listening to Emily and Haley yap about whatever will get them the most screen time: 
Spoiler alert, I guess. But I mean, if you haven't seen Jaws at this point...I don't know what to do with you. 

Spoiler alert, I guess. But I mean, if you haven't seen Jaws at this point...I don't know what to do with you. 

  • Meanwhile, this chicken is stealing the show. 
  • Olivia tries to pawn that she was severely bullied as a child, which, while it might be true, doesn't make up for the fact that she was pretty unkind and heartless a lot of this season. 
  • ...but her actions don't excuse the Wondertwins being horrible to her about her body, so, you know. Everybody wins. Everybody loses? We all lose? We're all losers for watching this? What?? 
  • CHRIIIIIIISSSSSS Harrison will say anything to make someone cry. 
  • AND SAY WHAT, OLIVIA? WHAT SPECIFICALLY DO THEY SAY TO YOU TO UPSET YOU?? 
  • Anyway, blah blah blah Olivia apologizes to Amanda and everything's fine and she leaves and is handed the ultimate insult by NOT invited to BIP. So there. 

HOT SEAT: CAILA.

  • HOW did I forget to mention Ben An Officer And A Gentleman-ing Caila out of her dad's warehouse when it happened?? 
So adorable. 

So adorable. 

  • Caila continues to be the complete class act that she is by answering Chris Harrison's questions without getting her hands dirty. 
  • Ugh CAILA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You are a precious, beautiful fairy princess and if you aren't offered The Bachelorette I'll burn this place to the ground. But I also hope you don't take it because you're too good for this show. 
  • Nothing else controversial happens this segment, just Caila being her wonderful confection of a self.

HOT SEAT: BEN. 

  • Ben shows up having still not shaved his face for national television, per usual. 
  • Although I'm starting to suspect that he's one of those guys who shaves and 10 minutes later has a 5 o'clock shadow. Look at this picture. They HAVE to. I've never once seen him look that clean-shaven. 
PHOTOSHOP YOU DEMON

PHOTOSHOP YOU DEMON

  •  But they should just leave it in because it bothers people like me. Stop photoshopping out Ben's weirdly fast-growing facial hair. LET HIM BE A CHIA PET. 
Teddy Bear, Puppy, Kitten, Ram, Bull, Tree, BEN HIGGINS. 

Teddy Bear, Puppy, Kitten, Ram, Bull, Tree, BEN HIGGINS. 

  • Chris Harrison opens by allowing Ben to address Caila. 
She's contractually obligated to, but okay, sure. 

She's contractually obligated to, but okay, sure. 

  • Caila basically asks him if she confused him too much, and he said...something that didn't really answer the question, but that's okay, because they're just not made for each other and Caila needs to go marry someone else. 
  • Then LEAH, Queen of Unsolicited Comments, pipes up. 
...come on. Please stop. We don't care about your storyline.

...come on. Please stop. We don't care about your storyline.

  • Jubilee CALLS. HIM. OUT. She basically says that she watched all season while Ben continued to work at relationships where the women were "pulling away," and when it came to her, he bailed instead. 
  • I think his answer is a good one - that he'd tried, and he felt like he couldn't get through to her. 
  • They end on good terms by Jubilee explaining that she felt blamed for their lack of connection, and Ben reassuring her that it was just a wrong fit - both of their "faults," equally. 
  • Good. Good for Ben and good for JuJuBee. 

We're going to a commercial break and Chris Harrison is freakin' me out with this "very important question" for Ben...

  • Okay we're back. Why is my heart racing? 
  • UGH first we have to hear from Olivia I don't care blah blah blah moving on. 
  • Precious Amanda is still precious. 
The chicken is still with us.

The chicken is still with us.

  • COME ON WITH THIS HUGE QUESTION CHRIS HARRISON. 
  • ...are you kidding me? Which one twin is which?? Go jump in a fire. 
  • NEVER TRUST CHRIS HARRISON. Why do I always forget this?? 
  • Apparently the preview for the finale is really great, so I'm very excited and I'm just going to rapid fire some thoughts as watch this together.

Okay they're in a beautiful location obviously both women are telling him they love him again and UGH he definitely only loves The Bee poor JoJo she's going to get her heart broken so intensely. HE KEEPS SAYING I LOVE YOU this is so unprecedented. He does not love JoJo STOP SAYING IT. Ben's parents are confused about why he loves two women they're like, "Yeah that's not real." His mom called it disturbing YAAAAAS. Oh no the music changed why is everything bad. The Bee is crying! DON'T MAKE THE BEE CRY! Ugh does he tell them that he loves the other person?? "I need something from you??" "I'm sitting here on a bathroom floor...I LOVE YOU?!" Oh my gosh THIS IS SO DRAMATIC HE TELLS JOJO HE LOVES THE BEE oh my gosh. He's cryin' over the ring omg omg OMG. 

Okay. Phew. 

So real quick before we go - my theory is that the person he calls on the phone is his mom. He doesn't call a girl. He calls his mommy to tell her who he's gonna propose to. 

OKAY so see ya next week HOLY CRAP. Recap will be up on Tuesday morning.

 

 

Week 9: Sex Island.

Let's recap the most insane thing on TV: one guy sleeps with three women and somehow totally gets away with it. 

Also, if you haven't read this, you should. 

Let's get started. 

Ben begins this episode by recapping where he stands with all three women. 

1. Caila. 

Pros: Beautiful. Cons: Too smiley.
My thoughts: Caila is one of the women he picks at the end of this episode. I could maybe see her being sent home and JoJo being kept, but I don't know. That's not what my gut says.

2. Lauren.  

Pros: As close as he's ever gotten to "love at first sight." Cons: Wonders if it's too good to be true, hasn't heard her "true feelings" yet. 
My thoughts: Lauren B. is going to win the show. I want him to pick Caila, but it looks pretty clear at this point. 

3. JoJo.

That's right. Let's all remember that JoJo is the unicorn head girl. 

That's right. Let's all remember that JoJo is the unicorn head girl. 

Pros: He feels "more himself" and "more comfortable" around JoJo than anyone else. Cons: Her family is batshit crazy. 
My thoughts: He's more himself around JoJo because she's "BroJo" - she's the BFF, not the girl you marry. I think she's going home this week. 

Let's rumble. 

PART I - CAILA. 

  • I feel the need to start this recap by saying that my dad is morally opposed to this episode (and this entire show) and, at a wedding we all went to this weekend, I had to hear about how completely ridiculous the premise of Fantasy Suites are...from my dad. AND HE'S RIGHT. 
  • Caila and Ben get paddled around on this bamboo float and make awkward small talk about the amenities. ABC underscores this scene with weird music because they want to make sure we know it's awkward. 
  • They stop at a jerk chicken store in the middle of the jungle. And eat chicken. And drink from coconuts. 
  • Caila tells Ben she's feeling weird and Ben tries to calm her down. But let's all remember (if you read the article I linked earlier) that she should be nervous to say "I love you," because they've known each other for LESS THAN 6 WEEKS at this point. 
  • ...looks like they get over it. 
  • Caila drops the "L" word and then we have to listen to Caila talk about...breath...a lot. ?
...huh. Breath talk. 

...huh. Breath talk. 

  • Also, I always forget about this being the episode that we are subjected to SO MUCH TONGUE YECCCCHHH.

CAILA STOP YOUR TOYMAKER DAD IS WATCHING

  • Ben is relieved that Caila was just being weird because she was nervous, and then they receive a date card that "Chris Harrison" "wrote" inviting them to stay in the Sex Island suite. 
  • These women are masters of compartmentalization, because they know as they read this card aloud that their boyfriend is gonna share this EXACT moment with two other people. 
  • BOW CHICKA WOW WOW....
  • ABC is SUPER SUBTLE about foreshadowing their explosive evening with fireworks. I'm rolling my eyes over here, people.  
  • The next morning, we all get treated to the fact that Caila does in fact #wakeuplikethis #flawless.
  • They are giddy and smiley and happy and then Ben bounces to go on his next two sex dates. 
  • Interesting note that we do NOT see him tell Caila he loves her, but we know he says it to two women this week. Doesn't mean he won't say it at some point, but still interesting. 

PART II: LAUREN "THE BEE" B.

  • YA THINK?!?!?!?!!?! 
  • Their date is helping baby sea turtles make it to the ocean! I have actually done this before and it is incredibly adorable. 
  • I recently read some research about why, when humans encounter things that are too cute to handle, we have the impulse to pinch them or smush them or eat them (think about how many times you've seen someone hold a baby and say, "I could just eat you up!") and it's because we literally can't handle all the cuteness, so we want to destroy the thing that is making us so emotionally overloaded. 
  • So basically what I'm saying is I want to destroy Lauren B. 
  • Y'all, bump this show, I want a show about watching baby sea turtles. 
  • Lauren and Ben talk about how they basically think the other person is too wonderful to be real, gag. So much mushy talk. Although it is further solidifying the fact that I think he's gonna pick her. 
  • Evening date. As Lauren contemplates sharing with Ben that she loves him, Lauren and Ben go see a band. They're singing a song I've never heard whose lyrics are "I'm in love with you," over and over. SUPER SUBTLE PART TWO. 
  • Lauren, once again, decides not to tell him. 
  • The Fantasy Suite card arrives and Lauren is ready to ROLL. 
  • HEY DID YOU GUYS KNOW THEY'RE AT SANDALS?!!? 
  • Lauren finally works up the courage to tell him she loves him, admitting that she's felt this way for "a long time" (or in human measurements, less than 5 weeks). 
  • Ben's reaction is YET ANOTHER clue that #mybracket #isover because he's gonna pick The Bee and not Caila. 
  • CURVEBALL, you guys. I don't know if I've ever seen a season where The Bachelor actually tells the girls he loves them prior to the finale episode. And CERTAINLY not a moment like this: 
  • Yeah, okay. So let's just skip to the finale episode because #mybracket hurts at this point. 

SEX EVIDENCE. 

  • WAIT. WAIT. This is the second time that the preview showed Ben saying "I love you," to someone and it's to Lauren again. 
  • So it's possible that he doesn't say it to two people, even if he does feel it. This is the second time in the preview for Sex Island that ABC showed him saying it, and they made it seem like it was to two separate people, BUT NO. Same person. Curveball #2. 
  • Ben's gonna pick The Bee, but he has one more burner date with BroJo to complete.

PART III - BROJO. 

  • I'm honestly so uninvested in their relationship. I mean, JoJo is a genuinely nice person (with a crazy family dynamic - pretty sure her dad is who mobsters send their corpses to for disposal -- or maybe I've just been watching too much Breaking Bad), but they're just not in the same place in terms of closeness. Or at least it doesn't feel like that to me. 
  • I really do think he just wants to take her to Pleasuretown, and I think they'll make it there. 
  • They make out under a waterfall and JoJo spills the beans. 
  • Yawn. 
  • WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
  • WHAT?!?!?!?!?! 
  • I'M GOING TO GET MORE COFFEE I CAN'T HANDLE THIS MY LIFE IS OVER 
  • I CAN'T I CAN'T 
  • I really can't. 
  • Now I have to sit here and watch #mybracket go up in smoke. 
  • Y'all I really just can't. 
  • Ugh I GUESS her reaction was really precious (it was). 
  • These are the most genuine relationships I have ever seen on this show, which comes from the fact that Ben is a pretty incredible guy. 
  • BUT. 
  • Y'all, how would you feel if you were one of these girls and watched this whole season back and saw your boyfriend tell another woman he loved her within 24 hours of telling you?! AFTER HE HAD SEX WITH ALL THREE OF YOU?! 
  • ...stop trying to rationalize this show, Mary Catherine. 
  • This is one of my English major pet peeves. The phrase is not "Let's cheers to ______." The phrase is "Let's TOAST to _______." "Cheers!" is what you say when you're clinking glasses. Don't be a redneck and make this mistake.
  • Ben and BroJo talk about how her family is an obstacle, but that they'll get over it, blah blah blah I'm bored. 
  • The coolest part of this whole date is that she caught the cork when it blew out of the champagne bottle. 
  • Of course ya did, Broje. 
  • They're real happy and feelin' real good about themselves and their relationship. 

PART IV: CAILA MARCHES TO HER DEATH.

  • This is actually physically painful. 
  • This is awful. This is making my stomach hurt. I really hope he didn't sleep with this poor girl. But of course he did.
  • If you didn't know this was a breakup, you'd never know it by her face. 
  • She GETS OUT OF THE LIMO, YAAAAAS CAILA. 
  • You can tell that she wants to ask if he slept with the other women, too. But she can't bring herself to do it. 
  • God bless her, she's too smart for this show.
  • Anyone who's going to say, "Well she should've shown this side to Ben! She should've opened up more!" can GO SOMEWHERE. She did open up! She said "I love you," before those other two chicks. 
  • Is this the phone call he makes at the proposal?? If there even IS a phone call. ABC. I'm lookin' at you. 
  • ...why are we even having a rose ceremony? 
  • Ben, let me tell you a little something. You don't have two "true loves." When you have a "true love," it's one person. And it's that person forever, singularly, end of story. 

PART V - UNNECESSARY ROSE CEREMONY.

  • Well, he does. 
  • Why does this feel like an engagement ceremony and not a rose ceremony? 
  • Once again, YA THINK?!?!?! 
  • I don't know what to do or think or say or feel or how to even process this emotionally all I know is CAILA FOR BACHELORETTE.

See you guys next week for Women Tell All. I'm basically in shambles right now and I have to go convince my very anxious dog that everything is okay and I'm just upset about a TV show. It's okay, Tom Hanks. Don't worry. 

Week 8.

I was told last night that Twitter was blowing up because of this episode. I'm watching it (early) this morning, and I. Can't. WAIT. 

Bur first, last week's podcast with Jordan. Spoiler: he had lots to say about the McDonald's date. 

Now. LET'S GET CRACKIN'.

AMANDA: LAGUNA BEACH. 

  • We start by watching Ben and Amanda run toward each other a la Bo Derek. 
GIFs from the 70's are not great quality.

GIFs from the 70's are not great quality.

  • Amanda has two little girls who are completely adorable. Maybe they'll turn into hellions later, but watching her see them for the first time in weeks is pretty precious. 
I'm gonna bet this is not the only time he'll cry this episode.

I'm gonna bet this is not the only time he'll cry this episode.

  • You guys, this is really sweet. He is being so precious with these babies. Like, he's chasing them around on the beach! And making sandcastles with them! 
  • If I'm Amanda, I think I just spontaneously got pregnant watching this sweet scene. 
  • Uh oh...the reality sets in during the car ride that parenting is not all adorable beach scenes with a hot young mom. 
  • This family seems like they've got a solid grasp on reality. I like these people. Cautious, but kind and welcoming. 
  • "Your kids need you to be happy, and to see that you have your own life too - that makes them happy." Amanda's mom is a smarty.
  • There's honestly just nothing to snark about in this family. They're all decent people who love their daughter and want the best for her. 
  • What's going to be really tough about this is that Ben is going to be disappointing an entire family, not just a woman. 
  • I REALLY hope that if he has even a shred of doubt about Amanda, that he'll cut her this week. Keeping her until Sex Island when she's got these two precious girls would just not be okay. 

How could she NOT be after watching this man care for her children? UGH this is about to get complicated.

  • Ben. Don't do this girl wrong. Send her home this week if you're going to send her home at all. 

LAUREN "THE BEE" B., PORTLAND.

  • First off, curveball that Lauren B. is from Portland. Portland is widely known to be one of the kookiest towns in America (and I live in Asheville, Weirdo Capital of the South, so I know what I'm talking about). 
  • Like, where are Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein? 
  • Also, I'm going into this date liking Lauren B., but I'm also starting to find her perfection a little grating. I need a little personality or some edge, some humor...something. She's so adorable that it's almost off putting. 
  • But I also feel like she's Ben's easy frontrunner. 
DON'T LIE NO ONE EATS ON THIS SHOW.

DON'T LIE NO ONE EATS ON THIS SHOW.

  • Wait...could it be?? Was a bite taken?! 
Look at that cheese string. That is quality. 

Look at that cheese string. That is quality. 

  • Lauren B. wins my final rose for eating on The Bachelor. I have such a low bar. 
  • They then wander around/make out in a library, which I'm preeeeeeetty sure Lauren pronounces as "lie-bear-y." 
  • ...I take my final rose back. 
  • Okay, this family is adorable. But the OBVIOUS winner in my book is Tessa, the true matriarch. 
  • Lauren's sister Mollie is really pretty. 
  • Hot Sister Mollie "grills" Ben about his intentions at which point he starts crying because LAUREN B. IS GOING TO WIN THIS SHOW DAMN IT MY BRACKET IS RUINED. 
Not even trying to hide that he's totally going to pick Lauren B. at the end. 

Not even trying to hide that he's totally going to pick Lauren B. at the end. 

  • Then Mollie talks to Lauren B. and she starts crying, too. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 7.02.11 AM.png
  • New theory: Mollie is pinching people really hard during these conversations. 
  • Ben talks to Lauren B.'s dad and they have a kind of weird conversation about how Ben is "coping." I don't know what he's talking about, but sure. 
  • Then we get Lauren B. and dad's conversation. REALLY like this dad. 
  • Based on those cautionings from her dad, Lauren B. decides not to tell Ben that she loves him, so he rides off into the night unsure of his feelin -- oh wait he obviously loves her and is going to propose to her in four episodes. 
  • I'll toast them while I'm drowning my sorrows for losing #MYBRACKET which I can't even talk about. But you know what they'd say about this on Portlandia? 
Yeah. So good luck, kids. 

Yeah. So good luck, kids. 

CAILA - HUDSON. 

  • You guys, I'm so nervous. I really want this to go well. 
  • Ugh I love her. She is so perfect, like a Barbie doll. And apparently Ben likes her, too. 
  • They smooch on a bench swing and talk about the day. Seriously though, what's cuter than this?? 
  • Next on the date, they sit down to design their dream house, because OF COURSE CAILA'S DAD IS A TOYMAKER. Because she is perfection. She's like walking cotton candy. She's like a human Dreamsicle.
  • Ben gets creepy about Caila at the toy factory and further proves he was not ever touched by a woman until like a year ago.
  • They design their dream house, then they go to the factory and build it. Which, once again, is freakin' adorable. 
  • At Caila's parents' house, the evening starts with this quote: 
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M DEAD. 
  • Caila's dad is getting a lot of little digs in at dinner. He's showing Ben who's boss. 
  • Oh, snap! Adult braces! Didn't see that coming. 
  • Caila's mom and Ben have a pretty standard convo, but Caila's dad asks hard questions and is serious about making sure his daughter is taken care of. And I love it. He's precious, but he's hardcore. 
  • Why did this episode make me cry? 
  • And despite that advice, she doesn't. And he leaves. 
  • WOOOOO this is complicated, y'all. COM.PLI.CA.TED. Avril Lavigne-style. 

JOJO - DALLAS. 

  • Okay, let's see where this ends up. Previews have made this look like a real doozy. 
  • JoJo arrives home to her apartment to find a beautiful bouquet of roses on her doorstep, accompanied by a letter. 
  • LETTER IS NOT FROM BEN. I REPEAT. LETTER. IS NOT. FROM BEN. 
CHAD?!?!

CHAD?!?!

  • Oh snap, JoJo starts to melt down. 
  • OMG this is so dramatic. JoJo is finishing up her phone call with 'CHAD' while Ben rolls up to her apt. 
  • Chad the ex-boyfriend is about to throw a real wrench in things. 
  • I mean, I guess she did the right thing by calling him to dump him officially? It's not her fault that she got flowers from CHAD, ew. 
  • I get that Ben and JoJo are close, but I really just feel like they're buddies. My official prediction is that JoJo goes home this week. 
  • But before she goes home, she has to go home. 
  • Okay, so we are for sure in Dallas. Looky at that house. 
  • Ben looks like a giant in this family. 
  • Goodness, everybody is SO TINY!!
  • They talk about whether Ben would move to Dallas and, I'm assuming, work for JoJo's dad. 
  • JoJo's mom looks like a much healthier version of Mama Elsa of Real Housewives of Miami fame. 
  • JoJo and Mama Elsa have real talk, where it becomes clear that Mama Elsa doesn't know how this show works. 
  • The brothers, for now at least, are just kind of telling the truth and not being bullies. 
  • True. 
  • Sure.
  • Oof. 
  • Mama Elsa comes to his defense. 
  • The thing was, as far as hometowns go, I've seen worse (see: Jade, Desiree, etc.), but this was definitely the least successful of the four. It just happens that the girls he's chosen up to this point have wonderful families, so JoJo's peeps being kind of turse and cold/protective seemed extra prickly. 

ROSE CEREMONY. 

  • So this whole week, I've known that either Amanda or JoJo is going home. Part of me feels like he'll send Amanda to keep her from further heartbreak because of her kids, but the other part feels like JoJo is out because of her family. 
  • Also, Lauren B. is a lot taller than I thought? 
  • I honestly think that this is the most quality group of four finalists I've ever seen on this show. It really is just pretty outstanding. All four of these women are kind, smart, beautiful people. 
  • Okay, Lauren B. gets a rose. 
  • CAILA GETS A ROSE MY BRACKET STILL HAS A CHANCE YOU GUYS. 
  • I think Amanda's going home. I changed my mind. I just have a funky feeling. 
  • Good for Ben. He had doubts about Amanda so he sent her home. PAINFUL to watch, but also...the gentlemanly thing to do. 
  • Could Amanda be the person we see him calling in the finale? The one who he says he sent home too soon?? 
  • True to form, she handles the breakup with nothing but class. 
  • Okay, so now Amanda and Becca will be contenders for Bachelorette. 
  • Ben, on the other hand, isn't taking it quite as well. 
  • I'm sorry to see Amanda go, but I'm thankful that she won't get further down this rabbit hole and get hurt. Bless her sweet heart. 

NEXT WEEK, ON SEX ISLAND...

  • Me, too, Mama Elsa. Me, too. 

See you next week, Bachelor Nation. 

Week 7.

It's barely 6 in the morning, and last night I had to look at this haircut. 

Let's just say I'm not in the most forgiving mood. 

Although Taylor did throw Kanyé some serious shade last night and I am here. For. THAT. Because that guy is beyond. 

ROUND 'EM UP. 

PART I: ONE-ON-ONE.

  • We begin by watching Ben disappoint his parents by reminding them that he's on this show. 
  • But seriously, his parents are adorable, no? 
  • The girls have an adorable leaf-fight while JoJo complains about not having had a 1x1. 

EAT THESE LEAVES BECCA hahahaha only joking...love you girl!

  • The girls settle into an the only AirBnB in Warsaw and Ben makes a super awkward sex joke about his parents. 
  • I'm glad he mentioned that, because I overheard them talking about how they really wanted to spy on Ben's parents. ...???
  • Ben gives Lauren B. the date card, drives her around town, and recycles his lines from 7th grade. 
  • Meanwhile JoJo the mermaid is feeling kinda bitter. 

I guess it's also possible this shirt says, "Herman," though it's less likely. 

  • Ben and Lauren "The Bee" B. go to a glorified Boys and Girls Club and play with a bunch of really cute little kids. 
  • Ronnie, the Half Court King, schools Ben in sinking a shot from half court, and his coach/mentor loses his mind.
  • Ronnie for Bachelor, y'all. I love that kid. 
  • Ben tells Lauren a surprise is coming, while continuing to touch her way too much. She looks like she's struggling to get away. 
  • Some sports guys show up that I'm sure are relevant to someone but I don't know who they are, so #hardpass. 
  • Ben comforts a crying kid in a scene that is actually very sweet. 

Or is he crying because Ben is talking to him? 

  • Back at the AirBnB, JoJo finally gets a 1x1 with Ben. 
  • Ben and Lauren B. traipse around charming downtown Warsaw in their matching outfits. 

Who do they think they are, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Thereoux? 

  • Lauren B. confronts Ben about listening to Leah stirring up garbage last week. 
  • ...I'm confused about why there's no rose on this date? Was that ever explained? 
  • They go to a dive bar in Warsaw and are actually completely adorable. 
  • And then this happens: 

Lauren B. is ruining my bracket by being the front-runner. 

  • Can we quickly talk about how Lauren B. always looks like she's about to cry?? She's like Beth Ellen Hansen in Harriet the Spy. Much like Harriet, "I wish someone would just kick her and get it over with."  (Harriet the Spy anyone? Anyone??) 

PART II: ONE-ON-ONE, AGAIN. 

  • Ben meets JoJo in Chicago and she jumps his bones. 
  • Calm the hell down, this isn't The Notebook. 
  • Y'all there are so many times on this show where they rent entire stadiums. What does it cost, like $50 to clear out an entire professional arena for a Bachelor date?? They do this like every season.
  • They walk across the field to find jerseys emblazoned with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins. 
  • Now, at this point I feel the need to say that I would be HIGHLY uncomfortable rockin' "Mrs. Higgins" on my back before there was a ring involved. You guys, that looks #crazy and #desperate. Once again, ABC = the devil. 
  • Now it's like guaranteed that JoJo isn't going to win, just so they can play this moment back at the After The Final Rose show and we can all wince at how awkward it is.  

...awkward. 

  • And he's calling her "Mrs. Higgins??" Oof. 
  • JoJo slams the ball into the outfield. 
  • I feel bad for JoJo. In a romantic comedy, she would be the "boyish female friend of the romantic male lead who eventually develops feelings for him she can't admit." 

...says every guy about their platonic, female best friend. 

  • They change for dinner, and Ben FINALLY DRINKS A MIXED DRINK instead of wine! 

Atta boy. Drink that bourbon rocks. 

  • Back at the house, the girls are all admitting that they're nervous they're going to get their hearts broken. ...on an elimination-style dating show. ...on national television. 
  • JoJo opens up to Ben about her insecurities. 
  • Healthy fear. Also, 
  • ...no, you guys. No. No. No. What would you do if your boyf called you that after 2 dates? You'd be all:  
  • But instead, "Joje" (Ben's word) is like: 
  • Hmm. Also, WHY are there no roses?! Whatever, JoJo's in. 

PART III: GROUP DATE. 

  • Caila, Amanda, and Becca head off like besties to compete for a guy's attention. 

Looking like they're starring in an ad for hepatitis.

  • Ben takes these chicks to a farm and makes them row around a lake by themselves. 

They're actually paddling in circles right now. 

  • Gah lee this is super awkward. They're tossing a kite around and paddling in circles. WTF? 
  • Ben announces that whoever gets the rose gets to continue hanging out with him, while the other two women are getting bounced. 
  • Based on the preview of her crying, do we think that Becca gets sent back? I'm betting Amanda gets that rose. 
  • My mom texted me last night to say that she's tired of listening to "Amanda's squeaky, Minnie Mouse voice." ...she's not wrong. 
  • Amanda continues to sell herself short. 
  • Honey, let met stop you there. You are a beautiful bombshell who's a size 2 after having children. You are kind and good-hearted. You are a catch, forever. The end. 
  • Becca, on the other hand, has a talent for retaining the exact same facial expression while delivering a speech to Ben about her feelings. 
  • ...at least she won't need Botox? 
  • I think she just freaked him out. I bet she's going home this week.  
  • Ben "steals" Caila for some snuggly make out time. 

THAT. HAIR. THOUGH. 

  • Caila tells Ben that she doesn't really have a hometown, and that she's moss on a tree or something. 
  • Caila is too smart for this show. 
  • Time for the group date rose - Becca is super nervous, can you tell? 

...you can't? Weird. 

  • Amanda gets her second group date rose in a row, and a guaranteed hometown visit from Ben. Wow. 
  • ...um, harsh much? Damn, son. Coulda cushioned that blow a little more. 
  • Becca starts crying and SOMEHOW IS STILL MAKING THE SAME FACE. 

Kind of unreal, actually.

  • But I mean, I kind of get it. She basically begged him to share his feelings with her and he was like, "Cool, cool. Okay so AMANDA YOU WANNA HANG OUT??" 
  • Ben and Amanda GO. TO. MCDONALD'S. Y'ALL. 
  • WHAT IS HAPPENING. 
  • Y'ALL THIS IS MY DREAM DATE. 
  • Okay, quick story. One time I was at a New Year's Eve party and I was...overserved. At the end of the night, it was me and two girls who are 5'2'' and maybe 115 pounds soaking wet. We were contemplating grabbing some late-night/fourth meal. I suggested McDonald's to EVERYONE'S immediate disgust. Drunk Mary Catherine couldn't conceive of the fact that no one was on board, so I went around and individually, loudly polled the entire room. "Would you rather have no late-night meals ever again, or only be able to eat McDonald's when you wanted a fourth meal?" Every. Single. Person. replied, "Never eat late-night again," accompanied by an expression of pity. 

    Basically what I'm saying is that I was living the movie A League of Their Own, and the cute 5'2' girls were like, 
  • And I was Marla Hooch: 

Yeah. That's me. 

  • The moral of the story, people, is that girls who look like Amanda DON'T EAT AT MCDONALD'S. Girls like Marla and me? Hell yeah, we do. 
  • Ben "God Complex" Higgins weasels his way behind the counter at McDonald's: 

YES, BEN. WHATEVER YOU SAY, BEN.

  • They go to a weird carnival in the middle of town where COINCIDENTALLY Ben runs into the child actor who Ben "comforted" while he was "crying." 

HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOU, LITTLE BOY???

  • Ben screams on fair rides like...well, I'll let Leslie Jones say it for me: 
Thanks, Leslie. 

Thanks, Leslie. 

PART IV: ONE-ON-ONE. 

  • Although I hate to agree with Olivia, I do agree that Emily seems very immature compared to the other girls, though she isn't actually younger. 

...yeaaaaaahhhh.

  • Uh oh. So basically Ben doesn't want to do his own dirty work. He's gonna let his parents be the ones to tell him that Emily is wrong for him. 
  • Also I'm HORRIFIED that she's calling his parents by their first names. 
  • Y'all, she doesn't. Stop. Talking. 
  • You guys, this is painful. Bless her heart. 
  • Also, the only thing that Ben ever says about Emily is that he sees "a whole new side of Emily." He's literally said the same thing 4 times this episode. 
  • Okay so his mom cried telling Ben that Emily was immature. Meaning she's going home. 
  • Is he about to break up with her right now on the boat?? 
  • Oh SNAP. Oh my gosh. HARSH. HARSH HARSH HARSH. This is not an exaggeration, he told her how beautiful her eyes were and then dropped this: 
  • Even though I think this was the right move, I think it was cowardly that Ben took Emily to meet his parents and then dumped her. That's toying with a girl's emotions in a totally unfair way. There was NO REASON to bring his parents into it besides that he didn't have the stones to pull the trigger on his own. 
  • And he broke up with her AT GOLDEN HOUR, no less. Most beautiful breakup ever. 

PART V: ROSE CEREMONY. 

  • FINALLY we get to see what this "conversation with Chris Harrison on the steps" is about. 
  • Yipes. Okay, pause - we have three roses and four girls, plus Amanda who already has a rose.
  • I really think it's Becca, you guys. 
  • IF IT'S CAILA I'M GOING TO BE REALLY MAD BECAUSE #MYBRACKET.
  • YESSSSSSSSS THANK GOD. 
  • I will never understand why these girls allow the guys to hold their hands as they walk them to the car that drives them away. 
  • So Becca is definitely a contender for Bachelorette. We know that. 
  • We get a preview for next week that Ben puts Amanda's kids to bed and freaks out. 
  • And that JoJo (who OF COURSE grew up with brothers) has a family who hates Ben from the jump. 

UGH oh my gosh so much drama, but I'm happy with this Top 4, y'all. I'm really feeling good. 

'Til next week, ladies and germs. Harrison: out. 

Jordan Says, Episode 6.

We're back for another week, fueled by last night's Valentine's champagne and Jordan's desire to get this over with. 

This week we discuss: Why Ben touches these women so much, the pig group date, and how this show is more like going to the zoo than actually watching people fall in love. 

And aWAAAAaaaaaaaaayyyyyy we go!