Week 5

Jord's comment when he heard Chris Harrison say, "This week, on The Bachelorette," was, "Oh SHIT, this is already on??" 

Yep. 

Also, from here forward, Jordan Scott will be referred to as "Jordy," Jordan Rodgers will be referred to as Jordan. Mmk? Let's not get them confused. One I married, one I wanna kick in the side of the head. 

• Okay, so it seems this episode is going to focus on Jordan. And I don't have a problem with that, because Jordan finally needs to get blown up on this show. He is clearly a rat demon and impersonating a nice guy
  Think Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh. Not gonna lie, I didn't read it, but our 7th grade class had to make a board game out of that book as a final project and I'm just sayin' I got an A. #alabamapublicschool 

• JoJo trying to pronounce "Buenos Aires" with the rolled "r" is one of the whitest things I've ever seen. 
• In a cocktail dress in the middle of the day drinking a...coffee?? 

• Nope. No. Cocktail dress in the middle of the day drinking tea. Interesting.

• The fact that Robby has already told her he loves her is so insane. It's like Robby got one look at a pretty girl and basically turned into the emotional equivalent of Bruce from Matilda. He gobbled her right up. 

"Bruce! BRUCE! BRUCE! BRUCE!!!"

• What do you love about her, Robby? Her perfume? Her tight shiny dresses? Her shoe size? That she'll make out with you? I don't really know how you're in a position to love anything beyond a surface-level trait.
• Harrison comes in and drops a bomb:

• Do we think it'll be James Taylor?? I can see her doing that to him. He's too nice and sweet for her/this show. 

• Snake, you're better than wearing your camo pants out and about. You're a legit war veteran. Don't stoop to the level of rednecks in Alabama! 
• Also, I saw on Instagram earlier this week that Chris Harrison posted this charming photo of several of the guys shooting him the bird: 

• So, you know. If that changes your opinion of anyone. Also, I wonder what the "B" in "chrisbharrison" stands for. I bet it's "Bachelor." 

PART I: One-on-one.

• The date card arrives and Robby reads it while also revealing he TOTALLY has a girl's hair tie around his wrist. His hair is not long enough to need to use that. Y'all, what is this season.

• Wells finally gets the one-on-one and he admits he hasn't kissed her yet. Dude. I wouldn't have done that. I think he realized pretty quickly that it was a huge mistake. 

• The fact that thousands of us are watching 8 guys sit around and talk about how they casually make out with the same girl is the epitome of #america. 
• Y'ALL THIS IS SO AWKWARD!! Poor Wells!!! 

• Legit can't believe Snake straight up asked her if they were going to kiss. That right there is a REAL confident dude. 
• But also, the #girliestseasonever. 

• As much as I don't like Lil' Tyke Alex, I do love that he and Snake stood when JoJo left the room. All those other suckers stayed seated. 
• These two leave for their date and we get to see Wells' kneecaps. Can someone please explain the trend of men having holes in their jeans to me? 'Cause I DON'T GET IT. 

• Meanwhile, the other guys sit around and talk about how/whether Wells is gonna kiss their girlfriend. #normal
• #bringbackchad
• I kind of feel like Wells is going home tonight. 
• So they show up in this darkened room when suddenly glowing acrobats start appearing. This is pretty MFing unsettling. I think this is one of my nightmares and Chris Harrison incepted me and now I'm living it all over again.

• Nope. 
• Nope. 
• Nope.
• Okay but seriously what the hell is going on WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON this is Willy Wonka's boat ride isn't it, you bastards?? Only the scariest scene of any childhood movie EVER.
• Am I in someone's acid trip?? IS IT RAINING? IS IT SNOWING? IS A HURRICANE A'BLOWING?? 

• Wells, I think I speak on behalf of all straight men everywhere that you're a better man than most to have resisted having your first kiss with a girl in what is essentially a safe-space threesome. You're an American Hero. 
• So then they get to do some...performance art?? Where Wells gets shot? And JoJo casually just strolls by indifferently?? 

• The execs at ABC were 1000% on 'shrooms when they came up with this idea

"OH HEY MAN LETS' LIGHT UP PEOPLE IN NEON AND HAVE THEM SWIM IN A SUSPENSION POOL!" 
"YEAH AND LET'S MAKE SURE THE SWIMMERS ARE ALL TOPLESS!" 
"YEAH AND THEN LET'S PUT THEM ON A TREADMILL AND SHOOT AT THEM!!!!!!!!!"
"...dude, Alan. Too Far. LET'S DO IT!"

Back at the hotel...

• The girls - sorry, GUYS - talk about whether they think Wells will come home. Jordan, the consummate gentleman, says he thinks he ain't comin' back. 
• But I can barely hear him because his beard is so patchy that it's making my ears bleed. 

• Hahahahahaha all three of the guys who look really alike and have the same haircut are next to each other. You can't write this, people. This is gold. Short on the sides sides, long on top. 

Back on the date...

• We watch the slowest, most painstakingly awkward buildup to a first kiss while these two roll around half-naked in the water together. Jesus H. Christ on a cracker this is taking SO LONG and is SO HARD TO WATCH.

• I'm gonna go ahead and say that all of Well's confidence, and also his balls, just shriveled right back up when she screamed, "WE DID IT!" 

• They go on their "dinner" date, and it's pretty obvious that while Wells has calmed down a lot, JoJo is just not into it. 

• He's not gonna get the rose. She's gonna tell him that SHE feels like she's just friends with Wells. Poor lil' guy. They almost killed you in the fireman challenge and now she's gonna axe you. 

Back at the hotel...

• Hmm. 2x1 between a guy whose named I can't remember, so I'm calling him "Who?" and JTT. I think Who?'s name is Chase. 

Back on the date where no one eats...

• Wow. And she did dump him. 'Bye Wells. Go be a normal person and don't even go on a show like this again.
• Class act on the way out. And even did the subtle tear wipe-away. 

• What kind of guy says something that sweet after being dumped on national television?
• Jordy "These guys are such douchebags. Poor Wells." Agree, honey. Agree. 
• I'm sorry, we're supposed to feel emotional watching JoJo talk about her love life over footage of her standing alone in a performance art rainstorm? 'Cause I don't. 

• #RIPWELLS

PART II: Group date.  

• So I heard Chad interviewed this morning on an XM radio show (yes, that Chad) and he was asked who he thinks is the best looking guy besides him, and he said Snake. I think I agree. Very good looking, despite his snakiness.

• JAMES TAYLOR you're actually self-aware! None of these guys are! YOU are the BEST guy!! Don't lose hope. 

• Especially since this goon is your competition. What a loser. 

• Cool hat, Jordan. 
• They do a little goal shooting contest to see who can kiss JoJo. 
• Good. I'm glad Jordan missed it. 
• YESSSSS JAMES TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID IT!!!! AHHHHHHH THAT'S SO AWESOME!! 
• Jordy thinks that James Taylor will be the next Bachelor since they'll need someone wholesome and sweet after this season. 

After party:

• Mmmm, I bet I know. 

• he has her hand between his legs?!?!? GOODNESS GRACIOUS.
• Y'all I don't know about you, but when I had been on exactly one date with Jordan, I didn't sit with my hand in his lap. 
• She is literally licking and touching her lips constantly. She wants to have sex right here on this bench. 
• Not listening to a single word he is saying. Just waiting to make out. 

• Snake just bought himself a ticket to Sex Island. 
• Longest kissing montage E V E R. 

Back at the hotel...

• Who? Is mean. I really don't like him. He also has a douche beard, so, you know, figures. I'm sure she'll keep Who? because he's mean and edgy and, like all the other nice guys, JTTKrasinski will be sent home.

Back at the party where this makeout scene is STILL HAPPENING...

• If she doesn't end up with Luke, any guy who she picks who sees that makeout scene with Luke is probably gonna be out the door. 

• TURN BACK, JAMES TAYLOR!
• RUN AWAY!
• DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF! 95% of people who talk smack about other contestants go home!! 
• Oh, gosh, he just started word vomiting. Oh, no. Somebody find him a gag. 

• She's touching his shoulder to shut him up because she knows he's nervous talking. But she also immediately reassured James Taylor, which tells us that she's also having doubts about Jordan. Which is good. Because he is a NIMH rat.
• So then of course JoJo pulls Jordan aside and tells him everything James Taylor just said, because why not. 
• She basically leads with, "James is awesome and I side with him and agree with him so before you even start let me just say I ALREADY DON'T BELIEVE YOU."

• Jordan reacts...not very well. But I mean, he probably can't get proper circulation to his brain in that woman's jacket he's wearing.
• Both their hands are on the other person's legs while they're fighting. What?? 
• So Jordan goes back into the group of guy and cold-shoulders/ices/pouts at them for a full minute. 
• I'm sorry he's SWILLING HIS WINE LIKE AN ACTUAL CARTOON VILLAIN????

• Hey, Jordan? I know you're trying to be super-intimidating right now and prove to everyone that you're a hardass, but you're wearing a ladies' coat and pointy grey suede boots. Don't try to flex on anybody when you're dressed like Inigo Montoya's gay brother. 

• Let me just say this right now: If I EVER saw my boyfriend acting like this on television, that would be the end of the relationship. The way Jordan's handling this would make me dump him the second I saw this footage. CHUMP. Such a chump. 
• Snake gets the rose because #hormones. 

PART III - Two-on-one.

• So there's gonna be a tango. Two guys. One girl. DRAMA. 
• This week on OBVIOUS METAPHORS. 

• These guys look so weak. They had to do that a billion times where they threw her into the other one's arms. They look like children. That's something I would've done in third grade. The number of screenshots here is not an exaggeration, that's ACTUALLY how many times they did this move.
  
  Quick story: Once I told my 3rd grade boyfriend that I was going to play this pretend scenario in which I walked along the brick wall at our elementary school playground. BUT the grass was lava. If I touched the grass, he'd have to come save me. I did it like 5 times so he would come "rescue me from the lava." He broke up with me later that year because he said my nose squeaked. AND THAT'S HOW THE COOKIE CRUMBLES. 
• At the after-party, JTTKrasinski gets emo. 

• Well that's a new one. 

• "When we're freakin' sittin' together." JTTKrasinski, you are a wordsmith. 
• In case anyone is unclear, a douche beard is when a guy shaves his beard along his jawline. And Who? has one. 
• Who? has no personality and what personality he does have is mean. This should be an easy choice for JoJo, kind of like that time Jordan told me I could either go with him to Home Depot or take a nap. 
• JoJo expresses concern to Who? about his 100% vanilla personality. 
• JoJo: "I'm worried you're reserved." 
  Who?: "...but I'm not --" 
  JoJo: "YOU'RE NOT?? OKAY!!!" 

• So of course, because she's JoJo, she gives assy Who? the rose. I am genuinely sad about this choice. 
• This is awful. JTTKrasinski deserved that rose 10x over.

• "GO FIND YOUR FOREVER?!?!?!?!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! SHE DUMPED THIS PRECIOUS ANGEL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
• POOR THING!!!!
• DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA IS THE BACKGROUND MUSIC?!?!?!??!?!

• This is honestly breaking my heart. 
• This song is adding insult to injury because it's stupid. Do you think the producers just Googled "Songs with the word 'Argentina' in it"? Because that's the only way this song makes any freaking sense. 
• #JTTKRASINSKIFORBACHELOR
• It's okay, JTTKrasinski. Don't you worry. You're MUCH too good for this show and YOU WILL FIND YOUR PAM.

Now I just wanna go watch The Office. 

PART IV - Rose ceremony. 

• I think it's either gonna be Alex or James Taylor going home, but I'm not sure that she'll send anyone home. 
• Jordan's suit is way too small. 

• Yada yada conversations she's not sending anyone home obviously. 
• So. Much. Self-tanner. 

• Most of these guys are repugnant to me at this point. Who?, Jordan, and Robby could all go home and it wouldn't faze me a bit.
• The only one I care about is Snake. And I kind of feel like he's going to win because they're giving him the least screen time. 
• And I care about James Taylor. 
• Also, has no one explained the concept of cocktail attire to these guys? This girl is in a full-on black tie ballgown and two of these knuckleheads are in light-colored suits. I'm going to start a whole separate blog cataloging the (many) fashion faux-pas on this show.

• Blah blah blah, roses to everyone no one goes home. 
• Okay but I know I'm grossed out by Robby but him correctly spelling margherita pizza honestly made me want to stand up and cheer. GO NERDS! Now stop grooming yourself Robby, you creepy wax figure.